Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
A plumber doesn't change the way he plumbs when he has a kid. You're a comedian. This is your style.
When I'm up there, I'm just thinking that I've got to make them laugh or they won't show up next time.
If you're away from your house for a month, by the time you come back there's someone else living in it.
I'm trying to get away from trashing women, to be honest. I think I've done enough of that in my career.
Everyone should just drive out to the Mojave Desert and just experience it, and it's a fun place to live.
[Nazi] copied stuff from us for their "final solution" but we get to walk around like we're the good guys.
I have friends in this business who put pictures of their kids on Facebook. That's not something I would do.
I've been guilty of being in the writers' room and going too dark; other people have gone too wacky and zany.
It's a blue-collar city [Manchester] that's transitioning into a white collar place and people are getting priced out.
I can't quite remember who I voted for president. It wasn't Trump or Hillary, though. I didn't like either one of them.
There is no reason to hit a woman. And I was just like, really? I could give you, like, 17 right off the top of my head.
The first night you walk down to a comedy club, at least for me, I had my voice, and then I went on stage and I lost it.
God's everywhere, but I gotta go down (to church) to see him? Really? And he's mad at me down there, and I owe you money?
My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn't be funny, but to observe it, it's hilarious.
I am so pro-swine flu... I want it. We need a plague. It's got to happen; don't be afraid. It's only going to kill the weak.
Surround yourself with positive people. Also, be a positive person. Root for people. Somebody else's success is not your failure.
When I was coming up the DC Improv was considered the best Improv out there. It's always been high quality stuff coming out of there.
A lot of my fears and anxieties are the fears and anxieties of a six-year-old boy. When I finally confront them, they're really small.
I have to make small adjustments, but I can't change too much. If I'm worrying about that stuff too much then the show isn't as funny.
As much as Metallica rocked, they always had these song names... 'The Thing That Shouldn't Be'. 'The Chair That Wasn't There', you know?
Let's go to Brunch. What a great idea! Why would you want to sleep in on a Sunday when you can go pay $18 for eggs? Now, you're thinking.
I'm one of those guys like whatever the situation is, as long as people are cool and everybody is trying to be funny, I have a good time.
I've been bumped, I've had to go up after them, I've had stuff thrown at me, I've been booed. I've had people steal from me and lie to me.
I love doing radio, and I love doing stand-up, obviously. I'm good flying up to four hours, but anything past that, I want to kill myself.
I bet The Walking Dead gets really low ratings out in Montana, just because all they need to do is look out their f-king window, am I right?
Some guy workin' at Home Depot, he wants to f-k just as many women as a celebrity. But he can't do it, because whores don't care about lumber.
Ric Flair is the greatest guy ever. He just wants to hang out, have a beer, and tell stories. He's the coolest. I've never met The Rock though.
Don't be a jerk to other comics and don't let the business beat you down, stay positive and if you work your ass off you're going to get somewhere.
To me this is not yelling. I am not yelling. I'm just passionate about my opinions and I want to tell you all of them before you start talking again.
There is a very difficult period in a comedian's career - it's that window of time where you're good enough to draw tickets but nobody knows you yet.
Oh look, an ATM! Ok, here we go! I lost all my money, now what do I do? Get a gun! Rob a casino! Good idea! Look at all the lights! This is beautiful.
I consider Ric Flair to be one of the great comedic minds. But I never got to see him growing up because that was back when they still had territories.
I used to always work in, like, warehouses, because if my boss gave me a rough time, I could just get on a forklift and just, like, drive away from him.
I used to think you had to live this miserable life and that that would make you funnier, but you don't. The misery will come. The misery will find you.
My favorite part of podcasting is running my mouth for an hour. The only time I dont like it is when Im off. Then that hour feels like a day and a half.
I was in NYC during 9/11; it happened on a Tuesday, I was on stage Thursday. It was a small crowd, but it took about 10 days and comedy clubs were packed.
My favorite part of podcasting is running my mouth for an hour. The only time I don't like it is when I'm off. Then that hour feels like a day and a half.
I do my podcast on Mondays for a specific reason. A lot of people go to work and don't like their jobs. If you give people something to laugh about, it's good.
And Donald Trump? That man literally has people shouting the n word at his rallies and he doesn't address it, which is astounding to me. He's a terrible person.
It's better to just plough ahead. And if I say something they don't get, I just make fun of myself for assuming that everybody knows everything about where I live.
I was painfully shy when I was younger but at some point you've gotta grow up. I think the genius in the man-boy thing is you tap into a woman's motherly instincts.
If I can sell out clubs and theaters and play dirtbags in movies, and get blown up in a car or get the crap beat out of me in a movie, that's good for me; I'm good.
My parents have a ridiculous work ethic; my dad just works, works, works, works, works. I think it would be hard to find a guy who's logged more hours than that guy.
What happens is when you have a kid, you are a unique human being, so you are going to have a unique experience. No one can really tell you what youre going to feel.
I have this weird sort of Gemini thing where I can really be empathetic and a loving person. But if you piss me off, I can be one of the meanest, most sadistic people.
Well probably the coolest show of that whole tour was in Germany. I had a chunk of material on [Adolf] Hitler, and I was worried about how they'd react, but they loved it.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It basically says, like, 'You know what? We don't think you're smart enough for an office, but we don't want you to look at anybody.
I don't feel like it's a wasted vote because I think it encourages more people like that to run. I vote for the candidates that aren't bought and paid for like the Clintons.
I wasn't the good looking guy, I wasn't the hot chick, I wasn't the fat guy, I didn't have a catchphrase, I didn't wear a silly hat. I was just trying to improve as a comedian.
My career has been a slow burn, so waiting to do the Edinburgh Festival was a smart move. If I'd spent a month there 10-15 years ago, there's no way anyone was gonna remember me.