Top 100 Funny Quotes

1

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

2

I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.

3

When my daughter was born she had jaundice, she was small, round and yellow. we called her Melony.

4

He has no enemies, but he is intensely disliked by his friends.

5

If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.

6

Every girl should use what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time takes it away.

7

South Sea natives who have been exposed to American movies classify them into two types, 'kiss-kiss' and 'bang-bang.

8

I never practice my guitar. From time to time I just open the case & throw in a piece of raw meat.

9

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended.10

Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended.

11

I can think of a number of areas in New York where three acres of nuclear waste would make the neighborhood safer to walk around in than it is now, and better lit.

12

Every problem has a gift for you in its hands.

13

Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door.

14

The defense should be expecting a run or a pass here.

15

The goal is to win. It's not about making money. I have many much less risky ways of making money than this (buying Chelsea football club). I don't want to throw my money away, but it's really about having fun and that means success and trophies.

16

Rest, rest, rest, rest, rest. Nutrition is obviously very important, but rest is equally important. At rest is when your body is trying to recover.

17

Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed be doing at that moment.

18

I'm really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life. So, something that is potentially four months down the road is not just a mile down the road for me, it's a million miles down the road.

19

You're 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don't have to kill yourself, you're just waiting.

20

Sir one more comment like that and I will strangle you with my microphone wire!

21

No, my friend, I am not drunk. I have just been to the dentist, and need not return for another six months! Is it not the most beautiful thought? --Poirot

22

People never ask people doing serious music, 'Do you ever think about doing funny music?'

23

What is a husband? He is the one who, with a touch, can bring back the starlight and glow of years long ago. At least he hopes he can - don't disappoint him.

24

When I was a kid I used to hate getting picked for team sports. It would be the fit and sporty guys over there. And me and the fat kids over here. Those kids were fat! One girl had to be cut out a hula hoop.

25

Seeing a murder on television can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

26

PIANO, n. A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor. It is operated by depressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience.

27

Don't feel bad for me. I think I'm, like, so pretty.

28

To be really great, you need to be naturally funny in order to stand out. But you can work at it, and find the best vehicle that you have to communicate what you're saying to people.

29

The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked.

30

Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted.

31

I used to think that everything was just being funny but now I don't know. I mean, how can you tell?

32

I am beautiful, famous and gorgeous.

33

Ever consider what pets must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!

34

I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.

35

Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.

36

Out of a hundred years a few minutes were made that stayed with me, not a hundred years.

37

To buy books would be a good thing if we could also buy the time to read them; but the purchase of books is often mistaken for the assimilation and mastering of their contents.

38

If you don't like my opinion of you, you can always improve

39

Australia is an outdoor country. People only go inside to use the toilet. And that's only a recent development.

40

You from within our glasses, you lusty golden brew, whoever imbibes takes fire from you. The young and the old sing your praises. Here's to beer, here's to cheer, here's to beer.

41

As for our majority... one is enough.

42

If you would know the value of money, go and try to borrow some.

43

If I had my hand full of truth, I would take good care how I opened it.

44

There are two motives for reading a book; one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it.

45

There's more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.

46

I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you've got to admire the workmanship.

47

How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! ...no eight!

48

This shed does not contain me.

49

You're a kid, your whole life is awesome. It's awesome, right? You had no money, no ID, no cell phone, no nothing, no keys to the house. You just ran outside into the woods. You weren't scared of nothing. I challenge you to do that as an adult. All your IDs, all your credit cards - just run out of the house with no phone, turn the corner where you can't see your house, and not have a full on panic attack.

50

If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.

51

The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.

52

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His kids.

53

My father walked to school 4 o'clock every morning with no shoes on, uphill, both ways, in 5 feet of snow and he was thankful.

54

A grandchild is God's reward for raising a child.

55

I love it when mothers get so mad they can't remember your name. "Come here, Roy, er, Rupert, er, Rutabaga... what is your name, boy? And don't lie to me, because you live here, and I'll find out who you are."

56

I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.

57

My son is 12 now, and is really getting into girls. A lot. But the thing about twelve year old boys is that they don't possess what I like to call that ... discretionary gene yet. We were walking home from the ballfield the other day and there was a woman walking towards us who was ... gifted. I saw them, and I saw him see them. But she was too close for me to go, "Dude, shut up." She hadn't walked two feet behind us and he goes "God dang, did you see the SIZE of those things?" And all I could say was "Yeah, I did!"

58

I spend a lot of time reading.

59

We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.

60

I just have one of those faces. People come up to me and say, 'What's wrong?' Nothing. 'Well, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile.' Yeah, you know it takes more energy to point that out than it does to leave me alone?

61

Ever notice that people who believe in creationism look really unevolved? Eyes real close together, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day." Yeah, looks like he rushed it.

62

Two grand slams in a week - man, that's seven or eight ribbies right there.

63

You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.

64

In my time at Anfield we always said we had the best two teams on Merseyside - Liverpool and Liverpool reserves.

65

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else"

66

I’m actually pale blue: it takes me a week of sunbathing to turn white.

67

In the distance, Bo saw a fairy. A fairy so beautiful that he felt proud of being called one in highschool.

68

Poverty. Racism. Isn't it strange, only the homeless are begging for change?

69

Women are like fingers and toes because they're easy to count on.

70

Drugs kill, just like cancer. So don't smoke... tumors.

71

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

72

Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water.

73

I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.

74

All British castles and old country homes are supposed to be haunted. It's in the lease.

75

Sure, we did need the oil in America. How else could Dolly Parton get into some of her dresses?

76

I don't bother to look for parking space anymore. As soon as I get near Hollywood Boulevard ... I sell.

77

The workers love Khrushchev very much. He hasn't got an enemy in the entire country. Quite a few under it.

78

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

79

My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.

80

Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?

81

You shouldn't get too close to the truth, because then maybe you stop being funny.

82

After a truly good meal, an outstanding cigar is still the most satisfying after-dinner activity that doesn't involve two human beings.

83

Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it's done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.

84

Pound notes are the best religion in the world.

85

That you, sister. May you be the mother of a bishop.

86

The Kenyans haven't done much in the last two games, in fact they haven't competed since 1972

87

You could be adding gasoline to a roaring fire. We understand that. But this is who we are.

88

If a movie makes it really big, they do the obvious thing, right? They make an amusement park ride out of it. ... The connection is obvious. You get off, "Man, that was just like the movie! Only the movie had a storyline and characters, and that was a little more like a roller coaster."

89

Neurosis is always a substitute for legitimate suffering.

90

You have to master not only the art of listening to your head, you must also master listening to your heart and listening to your gut.

91

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

92

Oldtimers, weekends, and airplane landings are alike. If you can walk away from them, they're successful.

93

There comes a time in every man's life, and I've had plenty of them.

94

Half Man, Half Sit-Out-The-Season.

95

The older I get, the faster I was.

96

I went to the worst of bars hoping to get killed but all I could do was to get drunk again.

97

If there were no bad people, there would be no good lawyers.

98

... Waiter! raw beef-steak for the gentleman's eye,-nothing like raw beef-steak for a bruise, sir; cold lamp-post very good, but lamp-post inconvenient-damned odd standing in the open street half-an-hour, with your eye against a lamp.

99

The great commander, who seemed by expression of his visage to be always on the look-out for something in the extremest distance, and to have no ocular knowledge of anything within ten miles, made no reply whatever.

100

... still his philanthropy was of that gunpowderous sort that the difference between it and animosity was hard to determine.

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