Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something.
You can give without loving, but you can never love without giving.
I've always thought that a big laugh is a really loud noise from the soul saying, "Ain't that the truth."
I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles
To be happy in this world, especially when youth is past, it is necessary to feel oneself not merely an isolated individual whose day will soon be over, but part of the stream of life flowing on from the first germ to the remote and unknown future.
Friends come and go but enemies accumulate.
Heredity is what sets the parents of a teenager wondering about each other.
I got all my work done to graduate in two months and then they were like, I'm sorry, you have to take driver's ed. I just kind of went, Oh, forget it.
The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
Coffee isn't my cup of tea.
Give me a smart idiot over a stupid genius any day.
Do your kids a favor - don't have any.
God created war so that Americans would learn geography.
'Dirty Rotten Scoundrels' is a good one because it not only turned out, I think, to be a really funny movie but it was also a delight to shoot. We were in the South of France, working with Glenne Headly and Michael Caine and Frank Oz the director - who were just fun.
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
Strange to say what delight we married people have to see these poor fools decoyed into our condition.
Be at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let every new year find you a better man.
Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.
Matt and I have set a date. Matt and I will tie the knot New Years Day in the town of Swampscott, Massachusetts. Reserve your hotel rooms now. I will be having a gay marriage.
After creating the heaven, the earth, the ocean, and the entire animal kingdom, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was "Don't."
Do you reckon the Queen has ever pulled a blanket up so just her head's showing and gone 'Philip, look at me! I'm a stamp!'
The funniest people are the saddest once
Success is the next best thing to happiness, and if you can't be happy as a success, it's very unlikely that you would find a deeper, truer happiness in failure.
Don't be concerned about others not appreciating you. Be concerned about your not appreciating others.
NEIGHBOR, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient.
Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine's Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone's like 'Oh, happy valentine's day!' I even got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago!
For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.
I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why!
Sir one more comment like that and I will strangle you with my microphone wire!
I have insecurities of course, but I don't hang out with anyone who points them out to me.
It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.
The difference between a mountain and a molehill is your perspective.
I don't think about what other people expect or anything. I mean, I sit and worrying so much about what I'M thinking, I'd go NUTS if I sat around worrying about other people.
Litigant. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones.
We had to break up, though. We wanted different things - like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.
Everyone knows that a man can marry even if he reaches the age of 102, is penniless, and has all his facilities gone. There is always some woman willing to take a chance on him.
My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra.
Ever consider what pets must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.
I’m not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable.
I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.
On the way up here to the podium, a gentleman came up to me and said, "Governor, you are as good a politician as you were an actor." What a cheap shot.
It is true, I worry about the hype. The only person more over-hyped than me is you.
Shut the door, Wales.
Confound these ancestors... They've stolen our best ideas!
There cannot be good living where there is not good drinking.
In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead.
If I had my hand full of truth, I would take good care how I opened it.
Well, I mean, if a joke or humor is bawdy, it's got to be funny enough to warrant it. You can't just have it bawdy or dirty just for the sake of being that - it's got to be funny.
A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies: "I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law."
Thank God for Darwin, eh?
I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine
When you tell an Iowan a joke, you can see a kind of race going on between his brain and his expression.
The first time I came across the birds and the bees in actual flight, I couldn't identify the formation.
Dentists tell you not to pick your teeth with any sharp metal object. Then you sit in their chair and the first thing they grab is an iron hook.
Going into a game against Lew Alcindor [later Kareem Abdul-Jabbar] is like going into a knife fight and finding there's no blade in your handle.
I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.
I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, 'My dad can beat up your dad.' I'd say 'Yeah? When?'
Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don't need.
The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better people, and don't come in clearly enough.
I own and operate a ferocious ego.
A football team is like a piano. You need eight men to carry it and three who can play the damn thing.
Progress is a continuing effort to make the things we eat, drink, and wear as good as they used to be.
The tax collector must love poor people, he's creating so many of them.
Suffering is overrated. It doesn't teach you anything.
Mick Jagger is in better shape than far too many NBA players. It's up in the air whether the same can be said of Keith Richards.
We don't devote enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.
When you involved in an accident and someone asks "are you alright?" Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.
Hindsight is always twenty-twenty.
For fifteen cents a day you can feed an African, they eat pennies.
And an anteater plus a large hungry mutant ant? An ironic way to die.
Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping.
Some people put us down. But I still haven't heard of any Americans trying to swim across the border into Mexico!
The help (in Japan) is very polite. They bow so much, you don't know which end to talk to.
English clubs are very exclusive. I played Royal Foxshire and they made me wear a suit and tie. . . in the shower.
Sure, we did need the oil in America. How else could Dolly Parton get into some of her dresses?
It's a wonderful way to live, and not a bad way to go, either. The average Frenchman is still smiling three months after he's dead.
My folks were English . . . we were too poor to be British.
Baseball was made for kids, and grown-ups only screw it up.
Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?
Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!
Sure the body count in this movie bothers me, but what are you gonna do? It's what everybody likes. At least it's not an awful body count - it's a fun body count.
After a truly good meal, an outstanding cigar is still the most satisfying after-dinner activity that doesn't involve two human beings.
You could be adding gasoline to a roaring fire. We understand that. But this is who we are.
It’s good to be here. I’m just trying to go through life without looking stupid. It’s not working out too well.
I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'
Tragedy is a close-up; comedy, a long shot.
The future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of 60 minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is.
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
Nations have come under the control of haters and fools.
Next to music beer was best.
They say Yogi Berra is funny. Well, he has a lovely wife and family, a beautiful home, money in the bank, and he plays golf with millionaires. What's funny about that?
That sounds terrific, thought Cary, just you, your comatose wife your shell-shocked son, and your daughter who hates your guts. Not to mention that your two kids may be in love with each other. Yeah, that sounds like a perfect family reunion.
Wise men learn more from fools than fools from the wise.
She appears to have a face that would stop a clock and raise hell with small watches, bless her heart.
Christian is going to be the strongest man in the NBA next year, because all he's been doing all summer is carrying around the luggage for 11 guys.
Out of sight of land the sailor feels safe. It is the beach that worries him.
