Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Treat your friends as you do your pictures, and place them in their best light.
Love is a gross exaggeration of the difference between one person and everybody else.
I was about to get a degree in economics when I accepted that I'd be a lousy businessman, and if I didn't give acting a try I'd regret it for the rest of my life.
It is pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.
If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment.
There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.
A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
In Manhattan, marriage is a trend. Couples kiss over their arugula and radicchio salads. They fondle each other's genitals while devouring their pasta puttanesca. By the time the tiramisu arrives, they've slid under the table.
Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.
In London there was no home cooking worthy of the name. When you were in funds you ate out. But only the people whose faces appeared in such publications as Town and Queen could afford to eat in restaurants serving food which would leave them looking and feeling better instead of worse.
I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married.
A romantic comedy has to be funny and make you think about life; but the obstacle that has to be overcome is key.
He is accelerating all the time. That last lap was run in 64 seconds and the one before in 62.
I'm not funny. What I am is brave.
If your sister is in a tearing hurry to go out and cannot catch your eye, she's wearing your best sweater.
My uncle Jimmy took liver salts twice a day for 40 years. He died on Sunday, was buried Wednesday and the following Friday they had to go to the cemetery to beat his liver to death with a stick.
To me, crying is not a sign of weakness. She wants it that bad and she puts her whole heart into it. She had really high expectations, and that's why she's so good. She just had a bad game.
It used to take me all vacation to grow a new hide in place of the one they flogged off me during school term.
Most people think that aging is irreversible and we know that there are mechanisms even in the human machinery that allow for the reversal of aging, through correction of diet, through anti-oxidants, through removal of toxins from the body, through exercise, through yoga and breathing techniques, and through meditation.
I know she's just trying to make things nice, so I do my part. Now, when I get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, I turn on the light. I used to just go by sonar: just keep peeing 'til you hear water.
A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made.
In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they are not.
There is nothing so good as a burial at sea. It is simple, tidy, and not very incriminating.
Abscond - to move in a mysterious way, commonly with the property of another.
A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced.
To be really great, you need to be naturally funny in order to stand out. But you can work at it, and find the best vehicle that you have to communicate what you're saying to people.
To die for an idea is to set a rather high price upon conjecture.
Happiness should always remain a bit incomplete. After all, dreams are boundless.
Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions.
Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting.
There are two kinds of people in this world. The kind who divide the world into two kinds of people and those who don't.
Ever consider what pets must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
Every revolutionary idea seems to evoke three stages of reaction. They may be summed up by the phrases: 1- It's completely impossible. 2- It's possible, but it's not worth doing. 3- I said it was a good idea all along.
You can put lipstick on a pig. It's still a pig.
You don't have to be straight to be in the military; you just have to be able to shoot straight.
I was born with a priceless gift, the ability to laugh at the misfortunes of others.
Shut the door, Wales.
It's funny: I put money into short films, and I put really good actors in it, and I write some stuff that's really funny, and I'll get, like, a million views. But to the right of me, there will be a video of a kitten that falls into a toilet bowl, and it's three seconds long, and it will get 25 million views.
Her Majesty is not a subject.
Many foxes grow gray but few grow good.
The discovery of a wine is of greater moment than the discovery of a constellation. The universe is too full of stars.
The odds against there being a bomb on a plane are a million to one, and against two bombs a million times a million to one. Next time you fly, cut the odds and take a bomb.
My size has helped make me an amazing performer too. The cliche of the Funny Fat Friend: I absolutely was that character - I am that character... It's a complicated bag of tools I acquired, and I've put them all to work onstage.
How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! ...no eight!
I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.
American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it.
Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it's a Weasel with a Cheese finish.
Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them.
I said to a guy, "Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful," and he said, "Because it intensifies your personality." I said, "Yes, but what if you're an asshole?"
I love it when mothers get so mad they can't remember your name. "Come here, Roy, er, Rupert, er, Rutabaga... what is your name, boy? And don't lie to me, because you live here, and I'll find out who you are."
That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men
I've come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid's parent/teacher conference. Number one: 'You're only responsible for the first $10,000 worth of damage.' Number two: 'We have medication for this.' And number three: 'It was more than an ounce and he was less than a hundred yards from the school.'
I go "I just want a cup of black coffee." She goes "Do you want to try a biscotti? They're from Italy and they're considered a delicacy." Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I'm from, that's considered a mistake.
We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.
Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?
If you are first you are first. If you are second, you are nothing.
If you're not sure what to do with the ball, just pop it in the net and we'll discuss your options afterwards.
Behind every good decathlete, there's a good doctor.
Progress is a continuing effort to make the things we eat, drink, and wear as good as they used to be.
There is not enough time to do all the nothing we want to do.
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
They think they can make fuel from horse manure - now, I don't know if your car will be able to get 30 miles to the gallon, but it's sure gonna put a stop to siphoning.
We sail within a vast sphere, ever drifting in uncertainty, driven from end to end.
There's a metal train that a mile long and at the very back end a lightning bolt struck her. How long til it reaches and kills the driver, provided that he's a good conductor?
I got a safe full of cherries 'cause I pop it and lock it.
I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.
Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.
The place was so British, I wouldn't have been surprised if the mice wore monocles.
And on nearby islands, the Japanese army was eating raw fish. We felt sorry for them. We didn't know that in America after the war, you wouldn't be able to get into a sushi joint without a reservation. And we thought they lost.
Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.
They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.
I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.
I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance.
I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.
My mind wanders a lot, but fortunately it's too weak to go very far.
The drivers have one foot on the brake, one on the clutch and one on the throttle.
America’s one of the finest countries anyone ever stole.
That you, sister. May you be the mother of a bishop.
I always approach comedy roles pretending they aren't funny.
I was never over-weight, just under-tall. The correct height for my weight at the moment is seven feet ten and a half inches.
Put every great teacher in a room, and they'd agree about everything, but put their disciples in there and they'd argue about everything.
I think that making love is the best form of exercise.
If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now.
Christian is going to be the strongest man in the NBA next year, because all he's been doing all summer is carrying around the luggage for 11 guys.
I think that the team that wins game five will win the series. Unless we lose game five.
I went to the worst of bars hoping to get killed but all I could do was to get drunk again.
If there were no bad people, there would be no good lawyers.
Although a skillful flatterer is a most delightful companion if you have him all to yourself, his taste becomes very doubtful when he takes to complimenting other people.
I have made up my mind that I must have money, Pa. I feel that I can't beg it, borrow it, or steal it; and so I have resolved that I must marry it.
Any man may be in good spirits and good temper when he's well dressed. There ain't much credit in that.
The great commander, who seemed by expression of his visage to be always on the look-out for something in the extremest distance, and to have no ocular knowledge of anything within ten miles, made no reply whatever.
"Well," said my aunt, "this is his boy - his son. He would be as like his father as it's possible to be, if he was not so like his mother, too."
Poor Mr. Pickwick! ... If he played a wrong card, Miss Bolo looked a small armoury of daggers; if he stopped to consider which was the right one, Lady Snuphanuph would throw herself back in her chair, and smile with a mingled glance of impatience and pity to Mrs. Colonel Wugsby, at which Mrs. Colonel Wugsby would shrug up her shoulders, and cough, as much as to say she wondered whether he ever would begin.
I was always treated as if I had insisted on being born, in opposition to the dictates of reason, religion, and morality, and against the dissuadinig arguments of my best friends.
"Why, I don't exactly know about perjury, my dear sir," replied the little gentleman. "Harsh word, my dear sir, very harsh word indeed. It's a legal fiction, my dear sir, nothing more."