Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'
A husband is what is left of a lover, after the nerve has been extracted.
I have said nothing because there is nothing I can say that would describe how I feel as perfectly as you deserve it.
I'm just saying, 'Hey, throw me a bone. How about a smile, cute t-shirt? Look at me.' Nothing - unless it's a turn to their friends to go, 'Hey, why is that weird guy looking at us?'
I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.
It is not possible for one to teach others who cannot teach his own family.
I have been thinking that I would make a proposition to my Republican friends... that if they will stop telling lies about the Democrats, we will stop telling the truth about them.
Our promise to our children should be this: if you do well in school, we will pay for you to obtain a college degree.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
A woman has to be intelligent, have charm, a sense of humor, and be kind. It's the same qualities I require from a man.
I wish I could get all the discourteous drivers on a ship and sail them away and make sure it's a really horrible, wavy journey and when they get to where they're going, keep them there.
I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.
Approach your guitar intelligently, and if there are limits, don't deny them. Work within your restrictions. Somethings you can do better than others, some things you can't do as well. So accentuate the positive.
Never get married in the morning, because you never know who you'll meet that night.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern.
I know how to do anything, I'm a mom.
The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.
I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married.
How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?
It's hard for a man to turn down sex... if they chase us, we can't run that fast.
Ingrid Kristiansen then has smashed the world record, running the 5000 metres in 14:58.89. Truly amazing. Incidentally, this is a personal best for Ingrid Kristiansen.
The worst feature of a new baby is its mother's singing.
Volleyball is one of the most interactive games going. It is a game of intuition, imagination, improvisation - but most of all, of reciprocity - of teamwork. There is no way to free-lance in volleyball.
I got the nickname Spitfire for a reason - I burned inside to play volleyball.
This year's Olympics will be replacing the women's beach volleyball bikinis with uniforms that are less revealing. The stricter dress code was made to appease the conservative nation of 'Buzzkillistan.'
Plant and your spouse plants with you; weed and you weed alone.
Do you not know I am a woman? when I think, I must speak.
When women go wrong, men go right after them.
I don't understand the sizes anymore. There's a size zero, which I didn't even know that they had. It must stand for: 'Ohhh my God, you're thin.'
A man and his dog is a sacred relationship. What nature hath put together let no woman put asunder.
Whenever she uses the phrase 'I was thinking...,' that means I either have to move, paint or buy something.
What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why!
I love my girlfriend, don't get me wrong. I truly love this woman, but I have the ability to have sex without any emotional involvement. It's a gift.
During my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the Internet. I took the initiative in moving forward a whole range of initiatives that have proven to be important to our country's economic growth and environmental protection, improvements in our educational system.
I don't think the discus will ever attract any interest until they let us start throwing them at one another.
The role of humour is to make people fall down and writhe on the Axminster, and that is the top and bottom of it.
Your true traveller finds boredom rather agreeable than painful. It is the symbol of his liberty - his excessive freedom. He accepts his boredom, when it comes, not merely philosophically, but almost with pleasure.
The more I see of the representatives of the people, the more I admire my dogs.
The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.
Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence.
Living in New York City gives people real incentives to want things that nobody else wants.
One might feel that, at my age, I should look on life with more gravity. After all, I've been privileged to listen, firsthand, tosome of the most profound thinkers of my daywho were all beset by gloom over the condition the world had gotten into. Then why can't I view it with anything but amusement?
Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.
I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.
I'm at a very frustrating point in my career because I'm not a millionaire. Like, people assume because you're in movies or TV, you're rich. I'm not rich, but I'm far from broke. I'm what you call a 'thousandaire.'
All wrong doing is done in the sincere belief that it is the best thing to do.
If cocaine were helium, the NBA would float away.
The Schnauzer listens to jazz. I listen to jazz because he likes it, and I have even gone to jazz concerts with him, but truthfully I would rather listen to retarded children pounding on pan lids with wooden spoons.
I’m 59 and people call me middle aged. How many 118 year old men do you know?
Shut the door, Wales.
I play with friends, but we don't play friendly games.
Last night I didn't realize I said "abortion" in my stand up comedy act instead of "circumcision." No wonder I got blank stares at "rabbi got faint at sight of blood."
Better to live a day as a lion than 100 years as a sheep
O Music! Miraculous art! A blast of thy trumpet and millions rush forward to die; a peal of thy organ and uncounted nations sink down to pray.
The discovery of a wine is of greater moment than the discovery of a constellation. The universe is too full of stars.
Cats always seem so very wise, when staring with their half-closed eyes. Can they be thinking, I'll be nice, and maybe she will feed me twice?
I got ham but I'm not a Hamster
Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!
I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think 'Oh my God, I'm James Blunt, what have I done?'
It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.
American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it.
I am a confectionery-based existentialist.
I love my dog. I hate bankers. I have issues with women. In my head, I’m a great guy.
My neighbor's not even listening to me. He's all excited about some garden hose he bought at Brookstone. He's convinced it was designed by NASA. "Actually, it's got two nozzles, one for the hot and one for the..." Really? Is it long enough to go around both our necks and the chimney so we can tandem jump off of this? That's all I really care about you and your little garden hose.
My wife was a beautiful woman before we had children.
My father walked to school 4 o'clock every morning with no shoes on, uphill, both ways, in 5 feet of snow and he was thankful.
Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you.
The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.
They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed.
On females officiating in the NBA -Incompetence should not be confined to one sex.
A football team is like a piano. You need eight men to carry it and three who can play the damn thing.
On George W Bush: That man sits at that desk in the White House with the button that can end the world. My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television.
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?
Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally, I think its bollocks!!
Why are there no windows in the toilets on aeroplanes? To protect you from the most dedicated perverts on the planet, hanging off the wing to get a peep?
I got a safe full of cherries 'cause I pop it and lock it.
Back home they call me the tie-dye shirt kid. Well, that and faggot.
Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water.
Not that they were that anxious to see Ronnie as President; they were afraid if he didn't get elected, he'd go back to acting.
I knew the President would run for reelection in 1984. Why not? Actors love sequels ... and returns.
Contrary to what certain comedians have led you to believe, the national French pastime is picnicking.
In England when you make a movie even the weather is against you. In Hollywood the weatherman gets a shooting schedule from all the major studios and then figures out where he can fit in a little rain without upsetting Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer too much.
Go figure a crazy, mixed-up country where ballet outsells boxing. I wouldn't be surprised if their wrestling was on the level.
My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.
My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.
The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.
I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance.
Janetty tried to dive through the window to escape, what an act of cowardice.
The Kenyans haven't done much in the last two games, in fact they haven't competed since 1972
I saw something in the store the other day that I don't understand: that peanut butter and jelly in the same jar. Is there a point to that? I mean, I'm lazy-but I wanna meet the guy who needs that. Some guy going, "You know, I could go for a sandwich-but, uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. Cleaning, who knows how many knives!?"
As pissed as a fart in a vacuum cleaner.
The future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of 60 minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is.
In democracy both a deep reverence and a sense of the comic are requisite.
Indiana is a state dedicated to basketball. Basketball, soybeans, hogs and basketball. Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic. Berkeley is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee.
But you shall not escape my iambics.
I don't mess with that cat. I'm pretty sure he carries a blade under his jersey.
Silence is foolish if we are wise, but wise if we are foolish.
Deliberate with caution, but act with decision and yield with graciousness, or oppose with firmness.
I wouldn't mind dying for France, but not for Air France.