Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.
Golf is my boyfriend right now.
And if it all falls apart, I will know deep in my heart, the only dream that mattered had come true. In this life, I was loved by you.
I did graduate with a bachelor's degree in civil engineering in 1948.
The only thing more frustrating than slanderers is those foolish enough to listen to them.
To know that one knows what one knows, and to know that one doesn't know what one doesn't know, there lies true wisdom.
You have to discover when you're inadequate to be funny and you don't know you're inadequate when you're a kid.
This film cost $31 million. With that kind of money I could have invaded some country.
If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the time, the insane asylums would be filled with mothers.
Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.
Thieves respect property. They merely wish the property to become their property that they may more perfectly respect it.
A man's respect for law and order exists in precise relationship to the size of his paycheck.
I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
The defense should be expecting a run or a pass here.
Most people fail in life because they major in minor things.
Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, 'Thank God, I'm still alive.' But, of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again.
When a woman gives birth her waters break and she pours out the child and the child runs free.
People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.
I like those blow-up beds. "This becomes a full size bed in three minutes!" Well, a mattress kicks your ass. Zero seconds. "Yeah, but you can store this thing." You can store a bed, too - in the bedroom.
Freedom of the press is guaranteed only to those who own one.
Then there's the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I'd be, a sweatpants lesbian.
He doesn't sound like a guy who's done a onesome, let alone a threesome.
Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it's called the PGA Tour.
There is nothing so good as a burial at sea. It is simple, tidy, and not very incriminating.
The whole city gives you the impression of impermanence. You have the feeling that one day someone is going to yell, "Cut! Strike it!" and then the stagehands will scurry out and remove the mountains, the movie-star homes, the Hollywood Bowl--everything.
In Hollywood, we have some of the richest unemployed people in the world. They have sun tans. Some of them have chauffeurs in Rolls-Royces waiting outside. They have their golf clubs ready in the car. There is no law that says you cannot play golf while being unemployed.
Statistics have shown that mortality increases perceptibly in the military during wartime.
PIANO, n. A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor. It is operated by depressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience.
This island is made mainly of coal and surrounded by fish. Only an organizing genius could produce a shortage of coal and fish at the same time.
I'm odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.
I am beautiful, famous and gorgeous.
Every dogma has its day.
Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
What a fine weather today! Can’t choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
Out of a hundred years a few minutes were made that stayed with me, not a hundred years.
I went to school, majored in theatre, and said 'Mom, I have to choose my own destiny. I want to be an actor.' A couple of weeks after I graduated college I called my mother up and said 'Can I borrow $200?' and she said 'Why don't you act like you've got $200.'
Scientists are peeping toms at the keyhole of eternity.
Flight Reservation Systems decide whether or not you exist. If your information isn't in their database, then you simply don't get to go anywhere.
Ninety-eight per cent of laughter is nothing to do with jokes, which do not deserve to bear the weight of all the funny stuff in the world.
The notes I handle no better than many pianists. But the pauses between the notes - ah, that is where the art resides.
After forty a woman has to choose between losing her figure or her face. My advice is to keep your face, and stay sitting down.
Wars and elections are both too big and too small to matter in the long run. The daily work - that goes on, it adds up.
Playing scales is like a boxer skipping rope or punching a bag. It's not the thing in itself; it's preparatory to the activity
I have a friend. He keeps trying to convince me he's a compulsive liar, but I don't believe him.
Do I like being thought of as attractive? I don't know anyone on Earth who doesn't, but I do find it funny.
He that lieth down with Dogs, shall rise up with Fleas.
We used to sleep five to a bed and three of them used to wet the bed. I learnt to swim before I could walk.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
I'm sort of like a post-modern vegetarian; I eat meat ironically.
That ideology was never going to work, was it? It was just cobbled together from different beliefs: The anti-intellectualism of the Khmer Rouge, the religious persecution of the Nazis, the enforced beard-wearing from the world of folk music, and the segregation and humiliation of women from the world of golf.
I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say work, you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars... I'm not bitter at all.
Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!
I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine
The worst thing to do is to die while reading LIFE magazine.
You can teach an old dog new tricks. You just don't want to see the dog doing them.
I did not want to turn to playing golf because golf is about as much exercise as shuffling cards.
My father would pass gas and then blame it on imaginary animals.
The first time I came across the birds and the bees in actual flight, I couldn't identify the formation.
My mother comes in my room and says, "Just look at this mess! This is a pig sty!" Now, I've already been in the room five hours, and she wants me to LOOK at it.
This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says "you like baseball?" I said, "Oh, man, I love baseball." So he goes "Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he'd have been the greatest ball player ever?" Like I'm gonna argue with that logic. So I sat there for a second, and then I said "did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?" He left.
I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his side.
I just have one of those faces. People come up to me and say, 'What's wrong?' Nothing. 'Well, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile.' Yeah, you know it takes more energy to point that out than it does to leave me alone?
Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally upon our planet. Doesn’t the idea of making nature against the law seem to you a bit . . . unnatural?
I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now. Watching an empty stage.
Ever notice that people who believe in creationism look really unevolved? Eyes real close together, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day." Yeah, looks like he rushed it.
Humor is everywhere in that there's irony in just about anything a human does.
Buttons ... check. Dials ... check. Switches ... check. Little colored lights ... check.
I don't like the beach. I think we have no business at the beach at all, as a species. We don't belong in the sea. The sea is full of things that bite us, sting us, hurt the soles of our feet, and it's extremely cold. When are we gonna take the hint that the things that live in the sea don't like us?
We sail within a vast sphere, ever drifting in uncertainty, driven from end to end.
I stopped and I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' So I didn't exist.
I get more ass than a giant donkey stable.
There are many talented English personalities, but unfortunately they were all in Hollywood.
Rock and roll is catching on all over . . . France . . . England . . . They even have it in Japan, only over there they call it judo.
Asking an incumbent member of Congress to vote for term limits is a bit like asking a chicken to vote for Colonel Sanders.
I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.
My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.
A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.
I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.
Hockey players wear numbers because you can't always identify the body with dental records.
Janetty tried to dive through the window to escape, what an act of cowardice.
We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought.
If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.
You can build a throne with bayonets, but it's difficult to sit on it.
Well what's funny is, again, people say they believed what was going on, but again, Bob's hands are about three times bigger than his feet. So these are very caricatured.
The Kenyans haven't done much in the last two games, in fact they haven't competed since 1972
Dad, one of my first memories is of sharing my worry with you about the space shuttle poking holes in the atmosphere and letting out all of Earth's air.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we're about to begin boarding. If we could ask for your cooperation, please stay seated until you row has been called." ... That's what they say - but somehow, by the time it comes out of the speaker, it sounds like, "Everybody up and rush the door! Everybody up and try to squeeze your big fat butts in the small gate door area! Immediately! ... Do whatever you have to do to get on board. This is the last helicopter out of Vietnam!"
I saw something in the store the other day that I don't understand: that peanut butter and jelly in the same jar. Is there a point to that? I mean, I'm lazy-but I wanna meet the guy who needs that. Some guy going, "You know, I could go for a sandwich-but, uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. Cleaning, who knows how many knives!?"
Every experience in your life is being orchestrated to teach you something you need to know to move forward.
Every minute you spend in planning saves 10 minutes in execution; this gives you a 1,000 percent Return on Energy!
A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.
A lot of the tabloid stories are written so well, they're very clever and very funny. But you have to focus on what's really important and not read them - don't dive into it and don't get caught up in it.
As far as I'm concerned, 'whom' is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler.
Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.
Neurosis is always a substitute for legitimate suffering.
In a funny way, poems are suited to modern life. They're short, they're intense. Nobody has time to read a 700-page book. People read magazines, and a poem takes less time than an article.
Instant gratification takes too long.
Oldtimers, weekends, and airplane landings are alike. If you can walk away from them, they're successful.
They say you can't do it, but sometimes it doesn't always work.