Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I'm beginning to believe it.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
If a man….who’s playing in front of the public, is being well paid, and he doesn’t dedicate himself to the job, I’d be hard on him. If I could I would put him in jail, out of the road of society. Because he’s a menace
Accidents will occur in the best regulated families.
One night in Tokyo we watched two Japanese businessmen saying good-night to each other after what had clearly been a long night of drinking, a major participant sport in Japan. These men were totally snockered, having reached the stage of inebriation wherein every air molecule that struck caused them to wobble slightly, but they still managed to behave more formally than Americans do at funerals.
I went out with a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody.
Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.
Music makes one feel so romantic - at least it always gets on one's nerves - which is the same thing nowadays.
Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.
No man is regular in his attendance at the House of Commons until he is married.
I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate...eh...spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.
Comedy is acting out optimism.
I think Irish women are strong as horses, incredibly loyal and for the most part, funny, witty, bright and optimistic in the face of devastating reality.
Nature, time and patience are three great physicians.
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Pray: To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.
If you are not prepared, you cannot work out intensely. If you do not perform, you cannot get results, and if you can't do your best to recover, you won't get the benefits of your hard work.
America is a land where men govern, but women rule.
If you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman.
Many wise words are spoken in jest, but they don't compare with the number of stupid words spoken in earnest.
Figure out what to do, then take a nap.
During my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the Internet. I took the initiative in moving forward a whole range of initiatives that have proven to be important to our country's economic growth and environmental protection, improvements in our educational system.
In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they are not.
Not until I came to Canada did I realize that snow was a four-letter word.
The first law of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts
His lie ability is an asset
It's better to be a dictator than gay.
Don't feel bad for me. I think I'm, like, so pretty.
Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting.
I'm odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.
I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.
A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
One lives in the hope of becoming a memory.
I'm at a very frustrating point in my career because I'm not a millionaire. Like, people assume because you're in movies or TV, you're rich. I'm not rich, but I'm far from broke. I'm what you call a 'thousandaire.'
Humor is... despair refusing to take itself seriously.
If you don't like my opinion of you, you can always improve
A sportswriter once referred to him as our future president. With a name like Kevin, I don't know whether that's possible.
A funny thing happens in real estate. When it comes back, it comes back up like gangbusters.
He had senile dementia and liked to go outside naked, but he could still do two things perfectly: win at checkers and write out prescriptions.
Condoms should be marked in 3 sizes: jumbo, colossal and super colossal, so that men do not have to go in and ask for the small.
Relax? How can anybody relax and play golf? You have to grip the club, don't you?
Better to live a day as a lion than 100 years as a sheep
As for our majority... one is enough.
Necessity knows no law; I know some attorneys of the same.
Our Constitution is in actual operation; everything appears to promise that it will last; but in this world nothing is certain but death and taxes.
Happy is the man with a wife to tell him what to do and a secretary to do it.
Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.
A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies: "I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law."
I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you've got to admire the workmanship.
The scotch egg is such a Scottish food. It's as though a great Scottish chef said: I need a tasty snack. Let's take an egg... and wrap it in meat!! Makes it a bit harder.
The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we're still alive, before we die.
Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished.
Talking of white supremacist violent types, I was in America, recently.
"And tired" always followed sick. Worst beating I ever got in my life, my mother said, "I am just sick..." And I said, "And tired." I don't remember anything after that.
Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.
He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he's like "there's a golf shot. That's a golf shot." Well of course it's a golf shot; I just hit a golf ball. You don't see Gretzky skating around going "there's a hockey shot, that's a hockey shot."
I go "I just want a cup of black coffee." She goes "Do you want to try a biscotti? They're from Italy and they're considered a delicacy." Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I'm from, that's considered a mistake.
I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now. Watching an empty stage.
Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man's lifetime income - which he then spends sending his son to college.
When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?
A fart is just your arse applauding.
Sometimes there's a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I've ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.
I'd worship the ground you walked on if only you walked in a better neighborhood.
I stopped and I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' So I didn't exist.
All you god damn dirty Catholics can cath-o-lick my balls.
In the distance, Bo saw a fairy. A fairy so beautiful that he felt proud of being called one in highschool.
For fifteen cents a day you can feed an African, they eat pennies.
Women are like fingers and toes because they're easy to count on.
And if ten percent of men are gay and twenty percent of men are Chinese, what are the odds that a men chosen at random spends his free time and mealtime while on his knees.
What's a pirate minus the ship? just a creative homeless guy
I love you like a gay geneticist loves designer genes.
Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.
Not that they were that anxious to see Ronnie as President; they were afraid if he didn't get elected, he'd go back to acting.
And on nearby islands, the Japanese army was eating raw fish. We felt sorry for them. We didn't know that in America after the war, you wouldn't be able to get into a sushi joint without a reservation. And we thought they lost.
My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.
A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.
I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance.
Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!
Janetty tried to dive through the window to escape, what an act of cowardice.
If God had wanted us to play football in the sky, He'd have put grass up there.
I saw something in the store the other day that I don't understand: that peanut butter and jelly in the same jar. Is there a point to that? I mean, I'm lazy-but I wanna meet the guy who needs that. Some guy going, "You know, I could go for a sandwich-but, uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. Cleaning, who knows how many knives!?"
As pissed as a fart in a vacuum cleaner.
Did you write the words, or the lyrics?
A lot of the tabloid stories are written so well, they're very clever and very funny. But you have to focus on what's really important and not read them - don't dive into it and don't get caught up in it.
In democracy both a deep reverence and a sense of the comic are requisite.
Whenever I travel I like to keep the seat next to me empty. I found a great way to do it. When someone walks down the aisle and says to you, "Is someone sitting there?" just say, "No one except the Lord."
Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?
There comes a time in every man's life, and I've had plenty of them.
You can never be too paranoid.
Wise men learn more from fools than fools from the wise.
Don't remember me as too nice or beautiful or funny, because then you'll be disappointed.
What does politically correct mean? If you're fat, don't ask me if you're fat, because I'm gonna tell you the truth. You're fat.
Christian is going to be the strongest man in the NBA next year, because all he's been doing all summer is carrying around the luggage for 11 guys.
The older I get, the faster I was.
Hey Steve, no offense, but if you couldn't shoot, there would be no reason for you to be alive.
