Top 100 Funny Quotes

1

Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.

2

The first year I was on the show, it took an interviewer about 45 minutes to get it out of me that I even had a dog, and even then I wouldn't tell him the dog's name.

3

There are many things that we would throw away if we were not afraid that others might pick them up.

4

Dear Lord, I've been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the Christmas turkey before us... a turkey which was no doubt a lively, intelligent bird... a social being... capable of actual affection... nuzzling its young with almost human- like compassion. Anyway, it's dead and we're gonna eat it. Please give our respects to its family.

5

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

6

Experience is one thing you can't get for nothing.

7

Heredity is what sets the parents of a teenager wondering about each other.

8

College athletes used to get a degree in bringing your pencil.

9

Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness.

10

According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

11

They misunderestimated me.

12

When your about to criticize someone walk a mile in thier shoes, that way when you criticize them you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes

13

Pitching is 80% of the game and the other half is hitting and fielding.

14

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

15

The scholar does not consider gold and jade to be precious treasures, but loyalty and good faith.

16

If in the after life there is not music, we will have to import it.

17

I've sometimes thought of marrying - and then I've thought again.

18

I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern.

19

Love is blind, but marriage restores its sight.

20

It is obvious that all sense has gone out of modern marriage; which is, however, no objection to marriage but to modernity.

21

The sun, with all those planets revolving around it and dependent on it, can still ripen a bunch of grapes as if it had nothing else in the universe to do.

22

I once asked my father for a dollar for the school picnic. He told me how he once killed a grizzly bear with his loose-leaf notebook.

23

I started my own foundation. If you aren't familiar with it, it's called 'Febreezing the homeless.' Who would you rather give money to: a man that smells 4like liquiid garbage, or ocean breeze?

24

I think Irish women are strong as horses, incredibly loyal and for the most part, funny, witty, bright and optimistic in the face of devastating reality.

25

Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door.

26

I was at Michael Jackson's house, and this kid runs out, 'Wait, save me!'

27

Ones real life is often the life that one does not lead.

28

I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.

29

It's important to just kind of get away from your sport until you miss it. It's about taking time to enjoy other aspects of life or learn new things. It helps rejuvenate.

30

If you want to stay fit, surround yourself with a couple of chicks who are fired up, so that the one day you're not, you can feed off their energy.

31

Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed be doing at that moment.

32

No woman really wants a man to carry her off; she only wants him to want to do it.

33

He has a 5 year plan... What is it, don't die?

34

On how to make the game more exciting - Eliminate the referees, raise the basket four feet, double the size of the basketball, limit the height of the players to 5 feet 9 inches, bring back the centre jump, allow taxi drivers in for free and allow the players to carry guns.

35

The difference between a mountain and a molehill is your perspective.

36

Since both its national products, snow and chocolate, melt, the cuckoo clock was invented solely in order to give tourists something solid to remember it by.

37

You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.

38

We enact many laws that manufacture criminals, and then a few that punish them.

39

Truth - An ingenious compound of desirability and appearance.

40

A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced.

41

That is a good book which is opened with expectation, and closed with delight and profit.

42

Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting.

43

In Africa, we were around thousands of people who have seen a lot of poverty, but they were fun at the end of the day.

44

Of course drugs were fun. And that's what's so stupid about anti-drug campaigns; they don't admit that. I can't say I feel particularly scarred or lessened by my experimentation with drugs. They've gotten a very bad name.

45

Blessed are they who hold lively conversations with the helplessly mute, for they shall be called dentists.

46

We only need to wear shoes because the British built roads which hurt our feet.

47

You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.

48

The field of consciousness is tiny. It accepts only one problem at a time.

49

The stupider the peasant, the better the horse understands him.

50

Out of a hundred years a few minutes were made that stayed with me, not a hundred years.

51

If cocaine were helium, the NBA would float away.

52

Flight Reservation Systems decide whether or not you exist. If your information isn't in their database, then you simply don't get to go anywhere.

53

Shut the door, Wales.

54

Do I like being thought of as attractive? I don't know anyone on Earth who doesn't, but I do find it funny.

55

He's a fool that makes his doctor his heir.

56

We are told that Sin consists in acting contrary to God's commands, but we are also told that God is omnipotent. If He is, nothing contrary to His will can occur; therefore when the sinner disobeys His commands, He must have intended this to happen.

57

As soon as I arrive at the house, Laurie starts running, hits my chest, knocks me down, and licks my face. It's become a family ritual.

58

Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, "Hullo, we're out of milk. I say mother, where's the milk?"

59

Talking of white supremacist violent types, I was in America, recently.

60

The worst thing to do is to die while reading LIFE magazine.

61

The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.

62

I am not afraid of crashing, my secret is . . . just before we hit the ground, I jump as high as I can.

63

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His kids.

64

As I have discovered by examining my past, I started out as a child. Coincidentally, so did my brother. My mother did not put all her eggs in one basket, so to speak: she gave me a younger brother named Russell, who taught me what was meant by 'survival of the fittest.'

65

The dentist drills some more and you hear him make a mistake. And to cover it up, they all say the same thing: "Okay, rinse."

66

My mother comes in my room and says, "Just look at this mess! This is a pig sty!" Now, I've already been in the room five hours, and she wants me to LOOK at it.

67

This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says "you like baseball?" I said, "Oh, man, I love baseball." So he goes "Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he'd have been the greatest ball player ever?" Like I'm gonna argue with that logic. So I sat there for a second, and then I said "did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?" He left.

68

I go "I just want a cup of black coffee." She goes "Do you want to try a biscotti? They're from Italy and they're considered a delicacy." Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I'm from, that's considered a mistake.

69

They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed.

70

I'm a nut, but not just a nut.

71

We don't devote enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.

72

Buttons ... check. Dials ... check. Switches ... check. Little colored lights ... check.

73

It's all right leaping about the stage when you're 20 but when you get to 25 it gets a bit embarrassing

74

I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. ... That can keep me awake for days.

75

When life gets you down, make a comforter!

76

I was called Rembrandt Hope in my boxing days, because I spent so much time on the canvas.

77

Somebody should tell Jerry Falwell that God is an Independent . . . he's not rich enough to be a Republican.

78

Not that they were that anxious to see Ronnie as President; they were afraid if he didn't get elected, he'd go back to acting.

79

I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.

80

We flew over to England by the same route Churchill took. It was easy. All we had to do was follow the cigar ashes.

81

I've been playing golf a long time, although it's not really true that on my first round they strapped my bag on the back of a dinosaur.

82

Contrary to what certain comedians have led you to believe, the national French pastime is picnicking.

83

There was nothing subtle about our landing. The pilot just pointed the nose at the ground and let her rip.

84

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

85

My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.'

86

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.

87

The future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of 60 minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is.

88

A lot of the tabloid stories are written so well, they're very clever and very funny. But you have to focus on what's really important and not read them - don't dive into it and don't get caught up in it.

89

It's so funny how my name has always been such a big deal. When I was growing up, my family was always moving. I had to meet new people all the time. And they'd laugh.

90

The only way to stop Jim Brown was to give him a movie contract.

91

In democracy both a deep reverence and a sense of the comic are requisite.

92

Someone told me that when they go to Vermont, they feel like they're home. I'm that way at Saks.

93

Oldtimers, weekends, and airplane landings are alike. If you can walk away from them, they're successful.

94

When a dog bites a man that is not news, but when a man bites a dog that is news.

95

You may be sure that the Americans will commit all the stupidities they can think of, plus some that are beyond imagination.

96

It being a part of Mrs. Pipchin's system not to encourage a child's mind to develop and expand itself like a young flower, but to open it by force like an oyster.

97

Think! I've got enough to do, and little enough to get for it, without thinking.

98

Any man may be in good spirits and good temper when he's well dressed. There ain't much credit in that.

99

"Next," said Mrs Wilfer with a wave of her gloves, expressive of abdication under protest from the culinary throne, "I would recommend examination of the bacon in the saucepan on the fire, and also of the potatoes by the application of a fork. Preparation of the greens will further become necessary if you persist in this unseemly demeanour."

100

Then, at the end of every hand, Miss Bolo would inquire with a dismal countenance and reproachful sigh, why Mr. Pickwick had not returned that diamond, or led the club, or roughed the spade, or finessed the heart, or led through the honour, or brought out the ace, or played up to the king, or some such thing; and in reply to all these grave charges, Mr. Pickwick would be wholly unable to plead any justification whatever, having by this time forgotten all about the game.

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