Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
We're not scientific comedians, thinking like, 'Things have moved on, we need to do this, we need to reflect the world in this way.'
When you have a house full of children, there's never a quiet moment, so I like getting out in the garden for a bit of time to myself.
Before I had my heart problem, if I was asked to do something I would look through a mental file looking for reasons why I could say no.
I want people to watch us and think, 'They're idiots. They're clowns,' I want them to watch us and think Tommy Cooper or Spike Milligan.
There are quite detailed rules with sitcom. When people can leave scenes, act structure, joke rhythm. You can't not have a straight man.
We've ignored audiences all these years. We've just amused ourselves and hoped enough people would want to eavesdrop to make it all viable.
A lot of comedians want people to listen to them. I don't think we've ever been that bothered about whether people would want to listen to us.
I look at stuff like the 'The Whole 19 Yards' and it reminds me of my childhood watching shows with Mike Reid and kids climbing over obstacles.
You know the thing I liked about fishing when I was 14 was being out with your mates mucking about, throwing bread around, getting a bit wet maybe.
I was just a toddler when my dad died in a car crash. With my mum, Eunice, being a young widow with a large family, she really struggled money-wise.
There is a theory in showbiz circles that mentally you remain the same age as when you first tasted fame, and I think there is a grain of truth in this.
I come from an era when if you are told that you need a triple heart bypass it sounds pretty terminal. But I think it's quite a normal operation these days.
After your heart fails, you just feel really vulnerable for a while. You just want telly and your little house. Then, suddenly, three, four months have passed.
It can be very lonely knowing that you have things to say but you daren't say them. Knowing that you could contribute to something but you don't dare quite do it.
I thought I had a chest infection and went to the doctor - five days later I was under the knife. It came completely out of the blue. My arteries were 95% blocked.
I remember when I worked at the solicitor's - you'd go in, talk to your mates for a bit and then get down to work. With us the talking to your mates part never stops.
In broadcasting, there's a lot of longevity offered to people like Griff Rhys Jones and Stephen Fry, who are polymaths more than comics. We're comics first and foremost.
I never craved having people leave a show saying, 'He's really intelligent, isn't he?' I didn't watch Tommy Cooper and think, 'Oh, he's so bright.' He just made me laugh.
We miss 'House of Fools' a lot. We always enjoyed doing that; it felt a bit like a different and fresh show for British TV, so we always feel attached to those sort of things.
We've always been a slightly specialist interest, and as you get older, for specialist interest programmes I think broadcasters are probably looking for younger talent, really.
My shyness probably defined the first 30 years of my life, really. It's a crippling thing. It can be very lonely knowing that you've got things to say, but you daren't say them.
When I was about 13, I went to see this band called Free, who I'd never heard, and I just fell in love with them. I found my heroes. I stood at the front with my chin on the stage.
Throughout my entire three years at Sussex I never spoke to another law student. I talked in tutorials but as soon as they finished I was away back to my room to listen to my records.
When we first did 'Big Night Out,' there was no chance of someone doing a little show in a pub then being on telly. There was a little Oxbridge route in and an old-fashioned variety route.
After heart surgery you can go two ways, you can kind of get scared, shrink on to your sofa and keep yourself safe, or you can engage with life again. I probably was in danger of taking the first option.
At one point I was putting 17 sugars in my tea. I know it's unbelievable and I do wonder sometimes what my mum was thinking to allow it. The weirdest thing was that if I had 18 teaspoons it was too sweet.
I used to like getting cups and putting tiny bits of food and liquids in them. I'd grow mould plumes in the dark wardrobe of my little back bedroom. Not to eat them, mind - just to admire the growing power.
The more cynical commentators on our careers would say that the northern accent has been the basis of our success. There's a certain authenticity to the voice - which isn't to my credit; I was just born there.
I hate dinner parties, you know, can't stand them. Friends don't bother inviting me any more, because they know I won't come. I could never think of anything to say between courses - it's a confidence thing, I suppose.
I don't feel scared about death, I just feel so frustrated and sad to think I won't see how stories end. My children's story. My wife's. The football. All the stories going on in the world that you're going to miss the end of.
I sometimes wonder, with the Oxbridge comics, the broadcasters seem to say, at some point, now I trust you to do a documentary, you can be the voice for a maths show, or whatever. I don't think we're ever considered in that way.
After I had my heart operation I got really into heart stuff. I did think it would be lovely to go on 'Strictly' just so people could see I wasn't finished. But, sadly, now I couldn't because of my joints. I'd be hobbling around.
I spend a lot of money on the little things that make me happy, like 3 falafels from M&S to eat on the train on the way up to Edinburgh, but I do keep a close eye on the bigger picture. I don't flash the cash ridiculously on expensive things.
Between the age of 30 and going fishing, none of my friendships had any of that magic dust of when you were young. There was a sort of functionality to them, just keeping in touch. 'Oh, I should invite so and so, I haven't seen them for ages.
I wouldn't wish it on people but there is a positive side to a near-death experience. People used to ask me do you fancy doing this or that - and it was like I had a file of reasons in my head for not doing things. I would riffle through it until I found one. But I've dropped that.
I was so young when my dad died that I didn't think it had affected me. I had such tiny memories of him, just little glimpses, I thought I had been unaffected. But then I realised, somewhere in my late 40s I think, that probably the defining thing in my whole life was losing my dad.
I played for Middlesbrough's youth team. At the age of 16, I went into a shed at the training ground and was told that they weren't signing me on, so that was the end of that dream. Football was my life. I played football when I got to school, football every break and football as soon as I got home.
I worked in a chicken factory, in a steel foundry, I worked on the bins for a year or so. It started as a summer job, but I stayed on because I liked it very much. I liked it that it made you very fit, doing all the lifting and that, so I could wear short-sleeved t-shirts, which I'd never been able to do before!
With everything, 'Shooting Stars' included, we'll just have some words on a card to prompt us - 'How would Rod Stewart die,' that kind of thing - and we'll just run with that idea, as if we were talking to each other, messing around. And I'm no scholar of these things, but I think that's what double acts should do, isn't it?
I can't remember ever cooking food to impress a woman. The idea's quite cheesy and sort of makes my skin crawl. But I sometimes make a special effort to impress my cats, with chicken liver or something. It's tricky to know if a cat's impressed. They might give me a little look, a glimpse at least. That's cat ownership for you.
When they told me I had to have a heart operation, my main memory is standing in my kitchen and thinking what I would really miss was my little tea towel. Not for one minute did I think, 'Oh, I'm going to really miss performing.' The things you're going to miss are your wife, your egg cup, your seat that you sit in to watch TV.
Catterick' was originally a movie. That was what we intended for it and we had the money for it and everything. But we couldn't be bothered - I know that sounds terrible, but it's the truth. At a later stage we went back, split it up and made it into the TV series. But, yeah that was supposed to be a movie and we just didn't bother.