Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I've gone back to being afraid of cement mixers.
Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.
The circus goes from town to town, so why run away to join it? It should be, I've decided to wait for the circus to come.
Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.
Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.
Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.
Our grocery store now has self-checkout, for your convenience. It's like getting punched in the throat, for your comfort.
Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.
They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward.
Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?
A lot of people think my sarcasm comes from insecurity and defensiveness, but I assure you I'm just being petty and cruel.
I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.
Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.
Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.
Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost?
Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched.
Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.
The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.
The magazine at the health food store said, Stop Aging! Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging.
Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with.
Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!
I've often been accused of being the comic's comic. It's a bad business model when your fans are the people who get in free.
Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes!
I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, that poor woman.
My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.
As hipster chicks age, and their skin starts to sag, tramp stamps sink below waistbands, like the sun slipping into the sea.
Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream.
When all the people covered in tattoos turn about 70 years old, they're going to look like a strange race of melting clowns.
How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, Too much information! and then giggling behind a pillow?
Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.
Scatterbrain is one of those harmless little words you use a million times... Then it turns up in a crime scene description.
Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!
Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.
I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.
Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?
Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!
If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage.
The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.
If Jesus was a baby, there was a point, on that Holiest of nights, in that Holiest of mangers, where he made a big, Holy load.
Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call.
When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?
What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.
In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod for my dirt bike.
Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.
My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.
Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.
A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person says.
I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.
As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf.
Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.