Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Love has the power to rescue us and not let go, otherwise it isn't love
I think the most un-American thing you can say is, 'You can't say that.'
We'd all be alot happier if we'd stop assuming we're supposed to be happy.
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.
I remember when I switched from Christmas to sex as the secret of happiness.
I was afraid you had deceased,' he said. 'Or gotten engrossed in a long book.
Lake Wobegon, the little town that time forgot and the decades cannot improve.
Thank you, God, for this good life and forgive us if we do not love it enough.
The funniest line in English is 'Get it?' When you say that, everyone chortles.
He was admired for never being at a loss for words and never wasting any either.
That's why God created marriage, so people wouldn't have to fight with strangers.
Children can find other children to be pals. Children need fathers to be fathers.
Humor needs to come in under cover of darkness, in disguise, and surprise people.
Ha! Easy for nuns to talk about giving up things. That's what they do for a living.
Sometimes you have to avoid mentioning things because people's feelings are tender.
My ability to keep cool in a crisis is based entirely on not knowing all the facts.
Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have.
A good newspaper is never nearly good enough but a lousy newspaper is a joy forever.
We thank you [the soldiers recently returned from the middle east] for your service.
An interesting thing about New York City is that the subways run through the sewers.
March is the month God created to show people who don't drink what a hangover is like.
Wal-Mart is going in and slaughtering [small towns] just as we once killed the buffalo.
... life itself is brief, and that is what charges the day with such ridiculous beauty.
We all know you can get AIDS from sex, but did you know that you can get sex from aides?
You don't want to get that sort of sound in your writing that boing that gives you away.
Sometimes there is nothing you can do, and in those times, you must do something anyway.
Never insult a writer. You may find yourself immortalized in ways you may not appreciate.
Possessing the ideal makes a person nervous: you sense the inevitable decline just ahead.
Evelyn was an insomniac so when they say she died in her sleep, you have to question that.
Most men are prisoners at best, Who some strong habit every drag about Like chain and ball.
The majority of people who keel over dead at concerts are killed by a long trumpet passage.
Second violins can play a concerto perfectly if they're in their own home and nobody's there.
Intelligence is like four-wheel drive. It only allows you to get stuck in more remote places.
You don't have to justify a beautiful stroke of good luck. Accept it. Smile and say thank you.
Years ago, manhood was an opportunity for achievement, and now it is a problem to be overcome.
There is almost no marital problem that can't be helped enormously by taking off your clothes.
When it comes to finding available men in Minnesota, the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
I'm a lucky guy. I get to sit around every day and indulge in make believe and get paid for it.
The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out of his nose.
A man can't eat anger for breakfast and sleep with it at night and not suffer damage to his soul.
Roy Blount's stuff makes me laugh so hard, sometimes I have to go sit in a room and shut the door
Some people have a love of their fellow man in their hearts, and others require a light anesthetic.
Easter is so disappointing. You suffer all the way through lent, and what do you get for it? A ham.
Freedom doesn't mean aimlessness. We can't just sleepwalk through life.... Freedom demands structure.
No matter what time of year I come here, people always say the same thing: Its not usually like this.
Some of us have a relentless urge to attempt what we can never be good at and neglect our true calling.
She gave him such a look... Man oh man, if looks could kill. That one might have totalled a city block.
Jesus said the meek would inherit the earth, but so far all we've gotten is Minnesota and North Dakota.
..people (in Minnesota) avoid stupidity when possible, not wanting to be a $10 haircut on a 50 cent head.
Humor is not a trick, not jokes. Humor is a presence in the world - like grace - and shines on everybody.