Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
There was another war-related casualty today. The French were injured when they tried to jump on our bandwagon.
Good news. President Bush is creating thousands of new jobs. Unfortunately, all of them are at the White House.
President Obama’s approval ratings are so low now, Kenyans are accusing him of being born in the United States.
Congress voted for tougher laws on corporations. So now when a corporation buys a senator, they need a receipt.
In his first speech as Speaker, Boehner thanked his loved ones - tobacco lobbyists, the oil companies, the CEOs.
The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
If I could ask Ken Lay one question right now, do you know what it would be? "Does the Devil really wear Prada?"
With high definition TV, everything looks bigger and wider. Kind of like going to your 25th high school reunion.
Clinton vetoed the repeal of the marriage tax. I guess Bill figures if he's married, then we all have to suffer.
Denmark is charging a fat food tax on cheese, meat, and oil. Here, we call that the Denny's Grand Slam breakfast.
President Bush said the other day the war is not about timetables. It's about winning. Hey, it worked in Florida.
Well, Joe Biden has done it again. He showed up at the White House Passover Seder with a bunch of ham sandwiches.
Did you hear that we're writing Iraq's new Constitution? Why not just give them ours? We're not using it anymore.
Paris Hilton got 45 days in jail. A lot of people were upset about this - they were hoping for the death penalty.
Did you know that 10% of all Americans have not had sex in 5 years? I didn't know there were so many Republicans.
Folks, tomorrow America will get to hear those four words we've been waiting for: "Former president George Bush".
President Bush released his tax returns yesterday. He listed the economy as a liability. He gets to write that off.
It’s being reported that the economy lost 95,000 jobs in September. And that’s just people leaving the White House.
Thanksgiving, when the Indians said, "Well, this has been fun, but we know you have a long voyage back to England".
You know what Arnold Schwarzenegger and Meg Whitman have in common? They both got in trouble for stiffing the maid.
50% of Americas population spends less than 10 dollars a month on romance. You know what we call these people? Men!
65% of people say that cheating on your income tax is worse than cheating on your spouse. The other 35% were women.
According to a new poll, 50 percent of Americans think the country is divided. The other 50 percent think it isn't.
Rick Perry has made so many gaffes lately, it is hard to tell if he's running against President Obama or Joe Biden.
Over 6 million people were evacuated from New Jersey ahead of the hurricane. And now, three of them have gone back.
John Kerry accused President Bush of catering to the rich. You know, as opposed to John Kerry who just marries them.
President Obama wants to raise taxes on the country's richest people. And you thought Donald Trump hated him before.
You know what's sad about this? Not the gambling, but the best way to reach college athletes is the Cartoon Network.
First there's the promise ring, then the engagement ring, then the wedding ring... soon after... comes Suffer...ring!
The Flinstones wore furs, they ate red meat, and had a stoneage philosophy. In fact, they were the first Republicans.
We're fighting three wars now. Imagine how many we'd be fighting if President Obama hadn't won the Nobel Peace Prize.
When Clinton said he was going to create 8 million new jobs, I didn't think they were all going to be tax collectors.
When they said "Make love, not war" at Woodstock, they never imagined that one would become as dangerous as the other.
The leaders of the Taliban said today that killing bin Laden won't solve the problem. But, you know, it couldn't hurt.
The car was the iPhone of the 20th century. Kids these days don't have to drive anymore. They just go there virtually.
President Obama has begun a three-state bus tour. I believe the three states are: Confusion, Delusion, and Desperation.
The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow 'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular.
"I am not just another notch on your belt?" she asked him. "Of course not." he said as he put a mark on the chalkboard.
Yesterday morning Facebook was temporarily offline, leaving millions of workers unable to do anything except their jobs.
Yesterday, Saddam Hussein got 100 percent of the vote. Well, that's according to Saddam's campaign manager, Jeb Hussein.
President Bush has urged people to get back to normal and today Congress announced that they are accepting bribes again.
Republicans are calling the Bush-Cheney ticket the 'Wizard of Oz' ticket. One needs a heart and the other needs a brain.
When Rick Perry was told about Kim Jong Il, he said, 'I never heard of him, but then again, I don't listen to that rap.'
Gas stations are considering hiring security guards. Why are they getting security guards? We're the ones getting robbed.
(Gray) Davis said yesterday that he is going to fight like a Bengal tiger, which I believe is also an endangered species.
I think Donald Trump and Jeb Bush are the frontrunners. It's kind of like the race between the tortoise and the bad hair.
As we head to war with Iraq, President Bush wants to make one thing clear: This war is not about oil. It's about gasoline.
Saddam Hussein also challenged President Bush to a debate. The Butcher of Baghdad vs. the Butcher of the English language.
Well, it looks like we've moved a step closer to war. Not with Iraq. With France and Germany. How did we screw that one up?
To give you an idea how bad the American economy is, Mexico is now calling for a fence along the border. Stay on your side!