Quotes by Jim Gaffigan - Page 8

I told my son, who's 11, "Look, I don't care if you curse - it's other people that care." So we tried that experiment, and he just cursed all the time. And I was like, "All right, now I care that you curse." You try to have this idealized view, and it's like, "I don't care." But it's just going to cause chaos.
Jim Gaffigan / Comedian
People
Son
Views
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I didn't realize how much of a Hoosier or a Midwesterner I was until I moved to New York. It's weird - growing up in Indiana, I wanted to get out, and now I completely romanticize Indiana. It just seems like there's a greater focus on family back there, which I suppose is something that kind of stayed with me.
Jim Gaffigan / Comedian
New York
Focus
Growing Up
Indiana
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I think it's important to control your opportunities, because in the entertainment world, it's not up to you. I'm not sitting here under this naïve belief that someone in Hollywood is going, "Gaffigan! What kind of a show can I build around him?" So you have to find things that can showcase your point of view.
Jim Gaffigan / Comedian
Opportunity
Thinking
Views
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Now the Thanksgiving meal is just so unnecessarily difficult. I mean even mashed potatoes - it's like the most difficult kind of, you know, medieval idea. All right, instead of just cooking them, why don't you spend, like, eight hours peeling them and then we'll have to mash them up. It feels like prison labor, really.
Jim Gaffigan / Comedian
Eight
Ideas
Mean
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I love the impatience of New York... You ever had somebody not ask you for directions, but demand them? You're just innocently walking down the street, you hear a horn, all of a sudden some guy's like, 'HOLLAND TUNNEL!!!' ...You know, like you were supposed to fax this guy directions. Suddenly, you're wasting HIS time.
Jim Gaffigan / Comedian
Funny
New York
Guy
Tunnels
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I think comedians get too much credit or too much criticism for the style of comedy they do, and they generally do the style of comedy that works for them. [...] There's no kind of shrewd calculation going into the type of standup we all do. It's like David Cross is supposed to be doing the David Cross' type of standup.
Jim Gaffigan / Comedian
Comedian
Style
Thinking
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Why would a lazy guy become a parent of five? Then again, why would creative people who inherently don't like change and criticism become writers, actors, or comedians? There's something about this process. I joke about it: My kids have made me a better person, and I only need, like, 34 more of them to be a really good guy.
Jim Gaffigan / Comedian
Kids
Better Person
Creative
Creative People
Criticism
Five
Good Guy
Guy
Lazy
Made
Parent
People
Process
Change Good Me
Actor
Why
Again
Change Good Better
Comedians
Writers
Inherently
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Screaming. Did I mention the screaming? Screaming is usually associated with horror films and roller coasters. This is why I usually look like I've just watched a horror film on a rollercoaster. Kids love to scream. Frightened, happy, bored. They scream. I've actually learned to love the sound of a vacuum cleaner. It's just so peaceful.
Jim Gaffigan / Comedian
Kids
Bored
Peaceful
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I was watching Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? And I was thinking, "Why don't they just call that the female seahorse?" You know it's just some stubborn scientist. "Yeah, that one there's the male seahorse." And his assistant's like, "Uh, Bill, that one's having a baby." ... "The male has the baby. You're fired."
Jim Gaffigan / Comedian
Funny
Animal
Baby
Thinking
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There's this message to comedians in particular, that you shouldn't write it, and a television writer should write it. And that's a prevailing conventional wisdom that I think is really wrong. That's not to say that television writers aren't great, but I think that the belief that some comedy writer's going to be able to capture your voice is naive.
Jim Gaffigan / Comedian
Thinking
Voice
Writing
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We are all a little weird. And we like to think that there is always someone weirder. I mean, I am sure some of you are looking at me and thinking, “Well, at least I am not as weird as you,” and I am thinking, “Well, at least I am not as weird as the people in the loony bin,” and the people in the loony bin are thinking, “Well, at least I am an orange”.
Jim Gaffigan / Comedian
Mean
Orange
Thinking
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I love my career, but I feel like you've got to babysit a lot of aspects of things. Assuming that things will be handled properly is just naive. But I think that's anyone's life, right? Even if you're running a construction site, it doesn't matter if you've been doing it for 20 years, you're still going to be blindsided by someone's incompetence or indifference.
Jim Gaffigan / Comedian
Running
Thinking
Years
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I don't understand the fashion industry and the appeal of it. I understand that there are some people who think it's important to them, and they're designers, they're artists, but there seems to be a disproportionate amount of our culture that's caught up in that and the red carpet stuff. It seems like there's a disproportionate amount of attention placed on that.
Jim Gaffigan / Comedian
Artist
Fashion
Thinking
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New York has made me so paranoid, too. Whenever I visit another city, I always act like I'm from there, so the cab driver doesn't rip me off. I'm always like, "Yeah, it's good to be back home. Back here where I grew up. Yeah. Here in Tokyo. ... Uh, driver, I need to go to my old stomping grounds. That would be the Holiday Inn. And the address appears to be the pound sign."
Jim Gaffigan / Comedian
Funny
New York
Home
Rip
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It's difficult to parent one kid, let alone five! It's insane. It's this strange, overwhelming mess that I would not trade for anything. I think it's more difficult in New York City. It's not like we can hop in the minivan and go somewhere. I don't own a car. It's chaos anywhere. Being a parent is difficult. Being a son and a daughter is difficult. It's a human relationship.
Jim Gaffigan / Comedian
Daughter
Kids
Son
Thinking
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I do kind of aspire to do comedy that appeals to a wide range of audiences and doesn't divide people. I never want to do material that makes people laugh at the expense of making other people feel bad - not to say I'm not guilty of that at times. ... I try and make humor out of the really important issues of the day, like Hot Pockets and elevators and not wanting to get out of bed.
Jim Gaffigan / Comedian
Issues
Laughing
People
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I've stayed in so many hotel rooms that I'm shocked if, when I stay in a hotel room, the hotel phone isn't on the desk. Then I'm like, "This isn't a real hotel room." If there's not outlets next to the desk, or if they have an iPhone adapter for an iPhone 4, that's when I'm sitting there annoyed. I understand that it's ridiculous, but that's just me spending way too much time in hotels.
Jim Gaffigan / Comedian
Iphone
Phones
Real
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I kind of consider myself... I mean, I try to have my comedy be accessible, and if people are paying $30 to see me in a theater and they want to have their picture taken with me, it's not the end of the world. It's one of those things, where I'm not the only comic who does it. A lot of comics do it. If I'm doing a 4,000-seat venue, it might be a little bit of a different task, but it's all good.
Jim Gaffigan / Comedian
Mean
People
Taken
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You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like, you pick up your mail, you go in your house, you realize you have a letter for a neighbor. You ever just look at the letter and go "Hm. Looks like they're never getting this. It'll take too much energy to go back outside. I'm gonna get that to them later on. Right now I gotta watch some 'Love Connection.' They got some new host on there."
Jim Gaffigan / Comedian
Funny
Humor
House
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We all take Mother's Day seriously and then it's like a month later, a bunch of kids get together and say, "I guess we should do this for the old man, too." Father Day's is weird. It's like celebrating Darth Vader's birthday. It's odd I think. Even the gifts we give dads. Like neckties, which are just like a silk noose. Or books. Would you ever want someone from another generation to give you a book?
Jim Gaffigan / Comedian
Dad
Book
Father
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I'm the youngest, too. When you're the youngest of a big family, people are like, "You're the baby, you're spoiled!" The fact of the matter is, when you're the youngest of a big family, by the time you're a teenager, your parents are insane. You're like, "Hey, I'm going roller-skating-" "You're not going roller-skating or you'll end up pregnant like your sister. Why don't you smoke pot and become a lawyer?"
Jim Gaffigan / Comedian
Funny
Baby
Teenager
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I definitely write about things that are universal, that everyone can identify with. You're supposed to write about things you're passionate about and I guess I am a foodie. I do love food and it's kind of like I'm an eccentric observationalist guy. To make it kind of universal, I try a lot of different things. When I first started writing this, I was like, 'No food.' Then, you know, it just always goes there.
Jim Gaffigan / Comedian
Guy
Trying
Writing
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I think it's great some hotels provide stationery. Because the first thing I like to do when I get to a hotel room is write a letter. "My dearest Gwendolyn, I arrived by nightfall at the Embassy Suites. It will be a fortnight after my return that this letter shall arrive. Allow me to explain the curious charge at the ledger. It is because I miss thee so much, darling, I accidentally ordered Sorrority Sisters 7."
Jim Gaffigan / Comedian
Funny
Thinking
Writing
Copy Quote
There was [ in New York] - some of it was this perception of the Midwest that I realized in this multicultural city that - and I don't think it's as true as it was - but everyone was kind of like, what, are you Jewish? Are you Italian? What are you? You know, are you black? Are you da-da-da? Are you Puerto Rican? And so I ended up - my ethnic identity was Midwestern, was white bread. And so it informed a lot of my stand-up.
Jim Gaffigan / Comedian
New York
Italian
Thinking
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I used to have to do readings in church, and it was terrifying. I would never have my glasses. The words are printed so small even Superman would be nervous. And you’re reading from the Bible. It’s not like you can just make something up and improvise. “A reading from the letter of Saint Paul to the Corinthians. Uhhh. Dear Corinthians, … How was your weekend? Sure is hot here. Uh, tell Jesus ‘Hey.’ This is the word of the Lord.
Jim Gaffigan / Comedian
Jesus
Reading
Weekend
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Ireland is a place that's beautiful and interesting, but I remember when I went there as a teenager with my parents, I was like, "Okay, I'll go to Ireland with my parents. It's going to be green." I think people underestimate it, in that it's, "Oh, it's green," and then you get there, and it's like, "Wow, it is green!" It's, "Oh, there's Irish music," and then you get there, and you're like, "Oh, this Irish music is amazing!" You underestimate it.
Jim Gaffigan / Comedian
Beautiful
Teenager
Thinking
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You never want to be the worst bowler of the group-because then everyone treats you like you have cancer. "You can do it! We're praying for you." The advice starts. "Use a heavier ball." "Keep your arm straight." "You should get a vasectomy." If you're really bad at bowling like me, they'll ask if want the bumpers up. Not that bowling is that complex anyway. "You want the bumpers? We can get rid of the pins. Why don't you take this coloring book and sit in the corner?"
Jim Gaffigan / Comedian
Funny
Book
Cancer
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No matter how you feel about your extended family or family gatherings you will be attending. This is because now the ultimate reason for attending family gatherings is for your children to have the time of their lives with their cousins. Little kids love their cousins. I’m not being cute or exaggerating here. Cousins are like celebrities for little kids. If little kids had a People magazine, cousins would be on the cover. Cousins are the barometers of how fun a family get-together will be. “Are the cousins going to be there? Fun!
Jim Gaffigan / Comedian
Cute
Smile
Children
Cousin
Fun
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Jim Gaffigan Quotes - Page 8

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