Quotes by Rita Rudner - Page 5

I don't do Jewish stuff because I don't want people to be left out. If I mention the Torah in Alabama, it's not going to go down that well. I used to do some Jewish jokes because when I started, I used to play lots of Jewish country clubs.
Rita Rudner / Comedian
Alabama
Clubs
Torah
Jewish
People Country Go
Mention
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There is a woman who swam around Manhattan, and I asked her, why? She said, it hadn't ever been done before. Well, she didn't have to do that. If she wanted to something no one had ever done before, all she had to do was vacuum my apartment.
Rita Rudner / Comedian
Done
Manhattan
Vacuums
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At the end of every year, I add up the time that I have spent on the phone on hold and subtract it from my age. I don't count that time as really living. I spend more and more time on hold each year. By the time I die, I'm going to be quite young.
Rita Rudner / Comedian
Age
Phones
Years
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I found out I had a real love for comedy and comedy writing. The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing.
Rita Rudner / Comedian
Competitors
Dancing
Fewer
Logic
Real Love
Comedians
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I'll never understand why people go to movie theaters to have conversations. Going to the movies to talk is like going to a restaurant to cook. The idea is that you have paid your money to have someone do something better than you can do it yourself.
Rita Rudner / Comedian
Ideas
People
Restaurants
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Eye contact is a method utilised by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Many women find it difficult to look a man directly in the eyes, not because of shyness, but because a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
Rita Rudner / Comedian
Men
Eye
Looks
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Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.
Rita Rudner / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Men
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... life is broken down into these stages: you're born and you don't know how anything works; gradually you find out how everything works; technology evolves and slowly there are a few things you can't work; at the end, you don't know how anything works.
Rita Rudner / Comedian
Technology
Broken
Life Is
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While I do occasionally order items on the Internet, it's hard to teach an old shopper new tricks. I'm convinced that the catalogue will eventually disappear, but not until the last baby boomers have kicked off their smelly Nikes and been buried in mulch.
Rita Rudner / Comedian
Boomers
Buried
Convinced
Disappear
Items
Smelly
Tricks
Baby Boomers
Catalogue
Eventually
Occasionally
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Barbie ruined my life! It's a really bad image for women. For a long time I thought I was deformed - because my heels didn't touch the ground. I was walking around on tiptoes. What's up with that? I think that it's a bad thing for a woman to try to emulate.
Rita Rudner / Comedian
Barbie
Emulate
Heels
Ruined
Life Time Women
Bad Thing
Deformed
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Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they would say "Thank you." That's now escalated into "You care care of yourself, now." The other day I paid my check and the waiter said, "Don't put off that mammogram."
Rita Rudner / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Caring
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I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn't much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around.
Rita Rudner / Comedian
Birthday
Health
Birthday Party
Drag
Fun
Good Health
Party
Worst
Health Good Good Health
Child
Dead
Dropped
Rest
Hired
Parents
Pony
Rides
Sit
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Buying something on sale is a very special feeling. In fact, the less I pay for something, the more it is worth to me. I have a dress that I paid so little for that I am afraid to wear it. I could spill something on it, and then how would I replace it for that amount of money?
Rita Rudner / Comedian
Feelings
Shopping
Special
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My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
Rita Rudner / Comedian
Inspirational
Sports
Husband
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Rita Rudner Quotes - Page 5

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