Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
As a small child, I could watch anything happen and tell a story, and it was funny.
People used to say I'm regional, but I'm not... We all have the same human condition.
There's not a pill you can take; there's not a class you can go to. Stupid is forever.
There's no backlog of people we can fire for no reason and act as if they don't exist.
TV is a hard job. You work 15 hours a day. People tell you what to do. I hate to do it.
I think the world has their own good, clean, Christian comedy. They don't need my help.
My brain is like a cross between a colander and a Lazy Susan - thin, slow, and it leaks.
I do live like a rock star, but it's not as great as it sounds. It's a lot of traveling.
Anybody could say anything they want about me, and it literally never penetrates my skin.
Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty... mine's putting in an express lane.
When I was about 12 years old back in Houston, my Dad used to take us to the driving range.
I think honest communication, no matter where it comes from, is positive for a relationship.
Naw, man, I like big, hard, throbbing co- (stunned pause) ...I did not know that about myself.
I have a very fun life. I don't recommend it for anybody else, but it sure has been fun for me.
Any time someone achieves success before they've earned it, it always comes back to haunt them.
I always found that the closer I got to who I really am, on stage, the more they responded to it.
I begged the universe to make me a famous comedian, and it did. So I tend not to ask for any more.
That's the beauty of being a straight-to-DVD star. It really helps you stay under the media's radar.
If I sit down to write a joke about, whatever, the polluted Gulf of Mexico, it comes out mundane to me.
Anything I write that I consider stage-quality work, I won't give my TV show. I put it in my live show.
You know, my first album, some of those jokes I'd done for twelve years because I couldn't throw 'em out.
When life hands you lemons make lemonade. Then find someone who's life gave them Tequila and have a party.
I want my fans to feel like we're always in touch. Because without 'em, I wouldn't be able to do any of this.
I get e-mail from all over the world, and from lawyers and doctors and whoever - plumbers and drywall hangers.
I've been offered starring roles in horrible movies, but I just didn't want to do it. I don't see why you would.
I guarantee there's people who watch television who have no idea how complicated it is to make a television show.
People are saying that I'm an alcoholic, and that's not true, because I only drink when I work, and I'm a workaholic.
People, when they go on stage, tend to be animated and try to force things out instead of relaxing and bringing it in.
All I know how to do is take what's on my mind and spit it out funny. I don't know what else I could do besides comedy.
I quit smoking cigarettes and with the $70 a month I am saving not smoking cigarettes I'm smoking $700 worth of cigars.
You can teach somebody how to be a brain surgeon, but you cannot teach them how to walk on a stage and make people laugh.
There have been times in my life that I've had a ton of vices, and my demons have run amok for years and years and years.
I smoke really good cigars, I don't smoke Cuban cigars. I would never do anything as Un-American as smoke a decent cigar.
If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.
If you watch the 'Blue Collar Comedy Tour,' don't expect that when you come see me by myself, 'cause it's a little rougher.
Donald Trump - and I don't dislike Donald one single bit - has no idea how good the Mexican people are at building tunnels.
A killer Cuban restaurant with a giant cigar bar. Have me a Cuban sandwich. That's just like heaven to me. I'm a simple man.
My opening acts are always really strong because I need a guy who can take on a big, big crowd. Which is not that easy to do.
Think of The Rontourage as the Ron White Channel, where you can see us getting into trouble in all kinds of different places.
I was considered by my peers to be a good comedian. So that's all I ever strived to do was get some recognition from my peers.
We have hearing aids in order to fix our ears. We have lasik surgery in order to fix our eyes. People ... you can't fix stupid!
I've never been one to look up the ladder. I've always looked down the ladder. As long as there's one guy down there, I'm fine.
I don't think we have a surplus of fine educators in this country that we can just start dropping them for no reason whatsoever.
I was always a funny guy. I don't think anybody that makes it to this level of stand-up wasn't a funny guy when they were young.
In Texas, we have the death penalty, and we use it. That's right. If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back.
I was by far the least popular of the Blue Collar crew when we started. There was a definite pecking order, and everybody knew it.
If I'm in a town for very long, usually I'll work out in the comedy club just to keep my chops or work out the beats on new stuff.
It went from Bob Newhart to Flip Wilson to Bill Cosby to Richard Pryor to George Carlin to Cheech and Chong. I had all these records.
I write these shows one joke at a time. There's no continuity. I do try to figure an order to the stories, but there's not continuity.
I'm not willing to drag my fans down a road I don't believe in. That's just my one little principle. I've only got one, and that's it.