Quotes by Steven Wright - Page 11

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."
Steven Wright / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Wire
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Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."
Steven Wright / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Thinking
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Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick
Steven Wright / Comedian
Funny
Life
Running
Real
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
Steven Wright / Comedian
Kindness
Food
Moving
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I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, "Here, you can go"
Steven Wright / Comedian
Focus
Moving
Taken
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When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
Steven Wright / Comedian
Funny
Kids
Running
Brother
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Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... it feels real."
Steven Wright / Comedian
Funny
Real
Wall
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To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
Steven Wright / Comedian
Audience
Five
Minutes
Notes
Seconds
Song
Where Me Song
Me Song Know
Exactly
Note
Subject
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You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
Steven Wright / Comedian
Funny
Time
Fall
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I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
Steven Wright / Comedian
Down And
Situation
Trying
Writing
Life Me My Life
Life Me Live
Concept
Contrived
Joke
Forced
Material
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Steven Wright / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Cowboy
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People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
Steven Wright / Comedian
Imagination
Connected
Creating
Something New
Stories
Thinking
Trying Something New
Telling
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
Steven Wright / Comedian
Opportunity
Work
Self
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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
Steven Wright / Comedian
Funny
Humor
House
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
Steven Wright / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Writing
Copy Quote
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
Steven Wright / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Team
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I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
Steven Wright / Comedian
Casual
Comedy
Exhilarating
Intense
Looks
Performing
Three
Tonight
Years
Tonight Show
Truly
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I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.
Steven Wright / Comedian
Imagination
Bigger
Careers
Grateful
Lucky
Career
Create
Feeling
Longer
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The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."
Steven Wright / Comedian
Funny
Home
Humor
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I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me.
Steven Wright / Comedian
Comedian
Girlfriend
Personal Life
Standing
Thinking
Wall
Life Me People
Behind
Girlfriends
Personal
Thinks
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In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it.
Steven Wright / Comedian
Ever After
Hard Work
Successful
Way
Success Work Hard Work
Almost
Success Work Hard
Figured
Happily
Maintain
Success Is
Ways
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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done."
Steven Wright / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Suicide
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
Steven Wright / Comedian
Home
Class
Clown
High School
Memorizing
School
Album
Came
Loved
Carlin
Class Clown
High
George
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Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
Steven Wright / Comedian
Cake
Chocolate
Chocolate Cake
Cream
Honestly
Ice
Ice Cream
January
Restaurants
Sacrifice
Years
Eat
Die
Again
Year
Course
Rest
Pill
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I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
Steven Wright / Comedian
Funny
Explaining
Mirrors
Stuff
Teaching
Thinking
Funny World People
Mirror
Showing
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I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the 'Boston Phoenix,' and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that's where I first saw 'deadpan.'
Steven Wright / Comedian
Boston
Comedy
Description
Paper
Phoenix
Years
Myself Me Doing
About A Year
Article
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it."
Steven Wright / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Phones
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My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.
Steven Wright / Comedian
Another Time
Mother
Son
Talking
Tv
Ball
Flipping
Funniest
Loves
Saw
Lucille
Tells
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It's very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that's not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It's a gut feeling.
Steven Wright / Comedian
Doe
Feelings
Five
Interesting
Needed
Rhythm
Seconds
Ten
Wording
Within
Across
Gut
Gut Feeling
However
Word
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The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
Steven Wright / Comedian
Abstract
Impossible
Insane
Perspective
Sane
Trying
Basically
Explain
Pass
Seem
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There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.
Steven Wright / Comedian
Alive
Audience
Electric
Fabric
Fun
Intense
Interesting
Anywhere
Anywhere Else
Front
Live Audience
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When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
Steven Wright / Comedian
Kids
Bizarre
Five
Minutes
People
Thinking
Years
Tv
Comedians
Gonna
Influenced
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A cop stopped me for speeding/ He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing [mimes steering wheel]? This steers it'
Steven Wright / Comedian
Car
Feet
Wheels
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I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want your job'.
Steven Wright / Comedian
Funny
Jobs
Book
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I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
Steven Wright / Comedian
College
Elementary School
High School
Humorous
Junior High
Remember When
School
Elementary
Front
Junior
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When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel.
Steven Wright / Comedian
Intense
Looks
Miles
Mind
Right Way
Trying
Fellini
Happening
Hour
Million
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I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
Steven Wright / Comedian
Teacher
Class
Dread
Moments
School
Myself Face I Am
Report
Perform
Concentrate
Liked
Forced
Front
Straight
Normally
Oral
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It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.
Steven Wright / Comedian
Amazing
Audience
Bad Stuff
Dangerous
Electric
Intense
Minutes
Silence
Silent
Stuff
Amazing Experience
Front
Walk
Live Audience
Planet
Silences
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Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think?
Steven Wright / Comedian
Life
Baby
Destiny
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I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.
Steven Wright / Comedian
Audience
Conflict
Conquer
Lines
Okay
Particular
Shy
Shy Person
Stage
Trying
Fear Myself Me
Absolutely
Fear Myself Always
Basically
Nobody
Joke
Deliver
Front
Notice
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One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it, and the whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast. He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here!" Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway.
Steven Wright / Comedian
Funny
Home
Humor
Copy Quote

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Steven Wright Quotes - Page 11

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