Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I'm not a comedy writer, I'm a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say.
I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.
My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.
I don't have a type, really. But I've always been more attracted to girls who yell fire.
I always loved comedy, but it never seemed like something that I could do professionally.
I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn't want to talk about, like death.
Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.
I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14.
I'm interested in doing some acting in the future, but it's a distant second to stand up.
My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it.
Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.
I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.
I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.
I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.
You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.
Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.
I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.
I don't think Metallica sits around all day wondering why country music fans don't embrace them.
The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.
Mike Tyson, what can I say about you that hasn’t already been the title of a Richard Pryor album?
I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking.
I love Pittsburgh. Most of my family still lives there and I try to get back a couple of times a year.
Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.
It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents.
An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.
My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.
I grew up in a poor family. I had to cut everyone's hair, because we didn't have money for entertainment.
People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.
Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number.
My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.
When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.
My favorite sport is football. I'm a die hard Steelers fan. Favorite players were Hines Ward and Greg Lloyd.
I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of humor.
I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything.
Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
It's always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it's really tough when they're on top of you.
Im not the voice of reason; Im more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.
I like to read, but otherwise I'm just your average, self-obsessed comedian. It's pretty much all I think about.
You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.
2010 has been awesome. I got to write on the David Hasselhoff Roast this summer, and that's always been a dream.
I'm not the voice of reason; I'm more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.
I do dark [humor]. I like people who are silly and weird and people who are surprising and good at what they do.
My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.
I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.
I don't think people shouldn't try to be edgy, but you have to take what the audience says to you in consideration.
I’m not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable.
I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.
My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.
I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.