Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I tell very mean jokes.
I'm too cynical to be an optimist.
The world is full of horrible things.
I'll be very busy, which is all I need.
The opposite of sad is down's syndrome.
Childhood obesity affects all pedophiles.
I have a twelve year old sex doll. Brand new.
Hitler really wasn't so bad. In the black way.
I come up with my jokes by thinking of a topic.
I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs.
When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody.
I love anyone who surprises me and makes me laugh.
God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny.
Child molesters must all think they've got huge dicks.
Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it
I got into comedy because I wanted to get into writing.
I'm actually a really nice guy, once you get to blow me.
I want to get a tattoo of the word irony, only misspelled.
Watching soccer just makes me wish I was watching Foosball.
I don't want to wake up with cops surrounding my bed tonight.
Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst.
My favorite part of going to a wedding is ruining the wedding.
I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.
I would never hit a woman - even if she had a knife or a stutter.
What do they call that hat Jewish guys always wear? A Yankees cap.
Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.
The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.
I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don't know - I'm so bad with names.
I never knew if I would get my own show, but I knew I loved stand-up.
Stereotypes wouldn't be so bad if black people were nicer, in general.
I don't ever want to have kids of my own. But I do want a lot of kids.
I enjoyed writing for someone elses voice, but I wasnt very good at it.
Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy.
You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.
Larry King is so old, he's actually one of the Jews that killed Christ.
When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.
Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.
I enjoyed writing for someone else's voice, but I wasn't very good at it.
Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.
Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off.
I'm inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry.
I'm very arrogant and mean. I'm almost like a bad guy professional wrestler.
I prefer to sleep with deaf girls. Those crazy chicks never have a safe word.
I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.
I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.
My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.
I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.
I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves.
I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted.
I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play Candle in the Wind non-stop.