Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I hate being rejected.
No astronauts look like George Clooney.
I'm pretty much only friends with comedians.
I grew up so conservative. I grew up as an orthodox Jew.
Laughs, just laughs. It's the only motivation of a comic.
Stage fright is a real thing. It's debilitating to some people.
I'll just walk around New York and watch people on the streets.
I definitely recommend keeping frozen corn dogs in your freezer.
Leonard Cohen kept his Jew name. He's so cool. It's too bad he died.
Being Orthodox Jewish is kind of like being raised on like network sitcoms.
It's not like I have campaigns, I don't want to be an activist or anything.
My father said that I was lower than a dog, because even a dog believes in God.
I love gummy bears, pretzels of all kinds, popcorn, Doritos - those are all healthy snacks.
I'm a cultural Jew, I was raised with it, so I'm still into it, like gefilte fish with kugel.
I never had good grades until I dropped out of religion. And then suddenly, my grades went up.
I got an award for Most Improved Player for volleyball in tenth grade that I cared about a lot.
I genuinely like haggis. Everybody told me I was supposed to hate it, but I really did enjoy it.
My CD, my first release, was at the Comedy Works in Denver, one of the best clubs in the country.
I love doing my podcast, but it's not my art form. I don't have to work on it. It's off the cuff.
I'm just a weird mix of immature and intelligent and I like to share my point of view and who I am.
I know how lazy I am. So if I have to go somewhere else I can't get to easily, I talk myself out of it.
If you like a conversational style of comedy, if you like comedy that's a little dangerous, I'm your guy.
As long as you have your own apartment and you can pretty much make rent for the next year, you're golden!
The worst is when you bomb and when you bomb in front of someone you're trying to impress. That's the worst.
I used to get a lot of death threats. After a while I realized that no one's gonna do anything or they would've.
I'm not intentionally dirty. It just kind of happens. It's not like I'm a shock comic who's looking to walk people.
To me, every time it goes badly I see it as a good thing - because that means I'm one step closer to where I want to be.
I don't vote and I don't follow who's trying to rule us. The revolution is coming. Until then, I'll just watch 'Game of Thrones.'
Once I started getting more successful, I just stopped caring completely - 'I'll just do exactly what I want. It doesn't matter.'
Bill Burr, Freddy Soto, Joe Rogan, Tom Segura… those people influenced me a lot more than any of the older guys like Richard Pryor.
Failing is part of my process. A new bit never works the first time. I figure I have to bomb 7 times to make it good. So I tweak it.
Marc Maron yells at people. I have a memory of him yelling at Jonah Ray from offstage about something he was saying, just fun stuff.
I worked for the Comedy Store as an employee trying to become a paid regular. I had this dream of achieving a half hour special on TV.
The fact that I didn't believe in God was something that I just didn't consider. And then when I did, it was like, 'Oh yeah, I'm out.'
Everyone in L.A. talks about getting an agent or a manager in terms of getting on a sitcom or getting on a movie or doing something else.
Sometimes I start off shows by explaining to people that it's just a bunch of stories - I always say 'It's like standup, just less funny.'
I've fallen asleep at red lights before. Not like passed out, but like I've put the parking break on and reclined my seat and taken a nap.
No one's telling Tarantino what to do. You might like it or you might not like it, but the reality is he's getting his own vision out there.
When people tell me to do a clean show, I'm like, 'Guys, I don't even understand your thoughts anymore.' What, you can't say a curse word? Nobody thinks that way!
You just gotta record stuff and move on and make new material. Painters don't wait until they're in some specific gallery before they move on to the next painting.
That anonymity that comes with talking in front of a crowd of people you've never met allows you to reveal anything, because you don't really have to associate with any one of them.
I'm not as much a fan of the venues as I am the comics who inhabit them. I don't care if it's a bomb shelter, a bus, or a theater, if I'm watching somebody who makes me laugh, I'm down.
I'm a bit of an introvert, so after talking for an hour and then shaking hands and taking pictures with the people who came out, I kind of need to be alone for a bit to get away from all stimuli.
I have a running daydream about winning an Oscar and giving my speech about how ridiculous it is to rank art. And then I'd call them all sycophants and leave the statue at the podium as I walked away.
If I focus solely on developing new material, then I can get a new 45 minute to an hour in about six months. Then I'll work on it and work on it and can make it killer within another six months or so.
The biggest thing I lost when I left religion was that sense of community and the culture. It was an unexpected kind of free-falling. When I was in it, I didn't understand how much the community was a part of my life.
At The Comedy Store, night after night, the crowds are fuller. It used to be Tuesday at 9 you'd have to start with six people. Now you come in on Tuesdays and it's 100-plus people and you're like, 'Really? On a Tuesday?'
I was on the outside of the industry. So I started a podcast early in the podcast boom and that caught on a little. I made an album that went to No. 1 on the iTunes charts. I made my own special. I started my own storytelling show.
When Joe Rogan started his podcasts he'd have me, Joe Diaz, and all our friends help him for the first few. And I told him 'Dude, no one will listen to audio that's over an hour long. You've got to end it at 59:59 or less.' And I was way wrong.
Figure out a way to get back onstage because once you do it a few times you'll get over it. Unless it's like a clinical thing. I don't know about clinical like stage fright, that might be worse than what I'm talking about. But if it's normal stage fright get over it.