Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I've been a poser for f--ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh.
If you don't know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every day just sitting.
Behind the proscenium arch, you can't always hear what people in the audience are saying.
I like Dali and Magritte. I also like the Scottish artist John Byrne, another surrealist.
When I read 'Be real, don't get caught acting,' I thought, 'How the hell do you do that?'.
Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
Don't tell me how to do my job. I don't come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.
People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.
Where do you go when you die? The same place you were before you were born; nowhere! It's over!
In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it's folded.
I spent the whole time battering people I liked and singing with my arm round people I loathed.
I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.
I used to be a folk singer, but I was... dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.
Wisdom isn't an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn't an answer. It's a question.
When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.
Try to catch a trout and experience the glorious feeling of letting it go and seeing it swimming away.
I like Salvador Dali and Rene Magritte. I also like the Scottish artist John Byrne, another surrealist.
Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.
Without arts programmes there's only reality TV, and reality TV needs the arts to show it what reality is.
Acting is a different discipline. On stage I'm free to say what I please. But the change is very good for ya.
Don't buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They're bastards, and they do it on purpose.
As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It's something they reserve just for me.
Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question.
I've been very lucky because I've always had movies to do. So if I got bored between shows a movie would turn up.
Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.
[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven't missed a thing, I was just killing time 'til you got here.
When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.
I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?
When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?
It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.
I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.
A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They've been offending other people for centuries.
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
I once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can't fly
When you involved in an accident and someone asks "are you alright?" Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.
I'm a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don't eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.
For me, it's about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass?
The world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don't care what you think.
I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There's no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.
I still do my comedy and my performance stuff and my acting so it's not all-consuming. But I do find myself drawing more and more these days.
Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally, I think its bollocks!!
I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.
I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. ... That can keep me awake for days.
My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don't eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.
What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?