Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!
I don't aim to offend.
Don't work out, work in.
Don't die until you're dead.
Try to live in a place you like.
A fart is just your arse applauding.
Don't vote, it only encourages them.
The more you know the less the better.
Never trust anybody with only one book.
If you give people a chance, they shine.
Never trust people who've only got one book.
A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.
Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
Politically correct is the language of cowardice.
If I had a hammer, there'd be no more folksingers.
There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
I think the longer Britain is in Europe the better.
Whenever I wear something expensive it looks stolen.
I decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea.
I was brought up as a Catholic. I've got A-level guilt.
I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.
Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.
Outgrew the media... The negativity felt like a disease.
Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!
If you haven't heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
People die all the time. It's just that you're not around.
The zombie sex, I have no idea. It must be like tantric sex.
Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.
There's no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes.
I love fishing. It's transcendental meditation with a punchline.
I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.
I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an A level in guilt.
It's my mind, and I reserve the right to change it as often as I like.
I’m actually pale blue: it takes me a week of sunbathing to turn white.
If you want to lose a bit of weight, don't eat anything out of a bucket.
My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one.
Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
I can't believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher.
Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn't too nice a thing to do.
So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?
Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.
Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.
Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.
The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things... after the weather.
I'm not going to throw away the hand of friendship to suit 100 Trotskyites in Glasgow.
