Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I'm careful with money.
Oh Satan you're a wily one.
I wanted to be a rock star.
Great, as long as you're happy
Fat is where comedy is stored.
The Universe is very, very big.
Whoever I had become had to die.
Stand by your bed and salute me.
If you don't vote, you're a moron.
Don't hit women. Never, ever, ever.
Twas the night before Thanksgiving.
I am probably a pseudo-intellectual.
I have a beard. Just not on my face.
Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys.
Tomorrow is your future's yesterday.
My pilot's license. I'm proud of that.
It's a book. It's mine. And it's done.
By the power of Steven Wright's Beard!
Tomorrow's just your future yesterday.
I'm always a bit shy around evil people.
Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness.
I enjoy bathing, as many Europeans don't.
It 's the time of year when Canadians mate.
I try and live my life in bite-size chunks.
If you can't trust, you can't be trustworthy.
I only like sports that Bond villains played.
I don't get emails from my corporate overlords.
Time is only linear for engineers and referees.
You gotta laugh because if you didn't you'd cry
Being guilty tends to engender feelings of guilt.
I aim to please. I'm nothing if not a vaudevillian.
Even a chameleon needs the proper amount of suction.
I realized women and humor were linked very closely.
Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say.
When in doubt about who's to blame. Blame the English.
You clap. The Censor wakes up. We all get into trouble.
I have a deep and profound mistrust of all politicians.
I dont know how to add things to my own wikipedia page.
I'm gonna enjoy being old I think I'll be awesome at it.
I'm hooked on email. That's right, kids, I'm one of you.
The idea of having Australians upset at me is just awful.
People sometimes say to me: "Craig, get out of my garden."
I'm so excited about the new iPad, I just iPeed my iPants.
Evil does not question itself. Only Hope questions itself.
It's a great day for America, everybody! It's Monday, woo.
Nothing says romance like hobos, martyrs and decapitations.
Aphrodisiacs come in many forms: food, drink, the internet.
114 isn't as old as it used to be they say its the new 104.
Canada is not the party. Its the apartment above the party.
Being funny is a gift, and, when done well, is an art form.