Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
The punt returner got smacked like Nancy Kerrigan's knee on souvenir pipe night.
The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.
Wouldn't it be great if all of Osama bin Laden's money was tied up in Enron stock?
Any time your parent says they party with you, that is its own form of child abuse.
I haven't seen anyone rely on the ground game this much since the battle of Verdun.
Concussion? How the hell can they tell? They're *football* players, for chrissakes!
Is global warming new? I don't know. When I was young I remember the sun being hot.
I haven't seen someone so overmatched since Mike Tyson tried to recite the alphabet.
Parenting is the easiest job to get - you just have to screw up once and it's yours.
Growing up, my family wasn't very tight. We were more like a tour group with secrets.
That field goal attempt was so far to the left it nearly decapitated Lyndon LaRouche.
Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.
The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.
The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.
I'm a tad paranoid. I think the person in front of me is following me the long way round.
I used to be sceptic, but not anymore, because now I am positive that I'm getting screwed.
Let me use their own terminology against them. They aborted a child in the 200th trimester.
I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown.
To me, nature always appears more unbalanced than Gary Busey with a clogged Eustachian tube.
Companionate Conservatism - Making the streets safer before people are kicked out onto them.
Americans stick their nose where it doesn't belong more than Cyrano de Bergerac giving head.
A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.
How do we know for sure that no two snowflakes are the same - we haven't got anybody watching.
Hey, Cunningham - Andy Warhol called. You're at 14:55 and we're tickin' big-time here, Chachi.
It's foolish to be prejudiced. There are so many reasons to hate people on an individual basis.
When your mother starts using the word "party" as a verb about her kid, that's absolutely crazy.
I think we have to help the helpless. The clueless? I don't give a rat's ass about the clueless.
Their offense is shakier than Katherine Hepburn after an all-night espresso bender at Starbucks.
I don't know about you, but in my neighborhood, they just opened a Starbucks... IN A STARBUCKS!!!
If you're a man and you have big tits, don't wear a tight T-shirt, okay? It confuses the children!
American's could be any more self absorbed if they were made of equal parts water and paper towel.
Other than the bombs they strap to their chests, Ive got no idea what makes the Palestinians tick.
Nervous? He's tighter than Pat Buchanan's sphincter muscle at a 4th of July soiree on Fire Island.
Listen, the weather is just like Hillary's explanation for her war vote: we just don't know, do we?
I think the American legal system sucks worse than a Celine Dion cover version of Whole Lotta Love.
The current tax code is harder to understand than Bob Dylan reading Finnegans Wake in a wind tunnel.
Somebody call Janet Reno - I think I just saw Donato dragging Doug Flutie into a locker room closet!
In the late twentieth century, staying sober has become just as much an addiction as getting wasted.
Drop the veneer periodically and be like "OK, I'm an imperfect human. Let's try to get through this."
If I want low-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate. If I want high-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate again.
When you're sharing a mud hole with a wildebeest derriere in sub-Saharan Africa, that's a living hell.
When I said 'we', officer, I was referring to myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat.
Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways.
Now I don't have anything against Mexican people, but for God's sakes, sign the gust book on the way in.
If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem.
It's wrong to discriminate based on skin color when there are so many other reasons not to like someone.
A recent conversation: Dubya: Look at the clock, time is racing! Cheney: That's the second hand, George.
Bill Gates is just a monocle and a Persian Cat away from being one of the bad guys in a James Bond movie.
I have the distinction of speaking to you from one of the few countries that still has a communist party.
There is a chalk outline slowly being drawn around common sense and most people can't identify the victim.