Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Sex is free fun for poor people.
Did you ever try to sleep sober?
AA makes Scientology look credible.
It's our flaws who make us who we are.
Get the right to marry - and then don't.
Your instinct is your true god. Follow it.
Coward is the most misused word in our society.
If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young.
Life is like animal porn, it's not for everyone.
Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.
There's times to be dainty and times to be a pig.
I'm gonna film my entire life and watch it later!
I drank, smoked and did drugs to get where I'm at.
The more business gets involved, the less fun it is.
I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it.
Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it.
Anything that I don't understand or can't do is stupid.
If you're in high-school and you're not having fun, quit.
I'm not the one-take wonder that a lot people think I am.
Drugs support terrorism? No, your SUV supports terrorism.
Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile.
Courts and camps are the only places to learn the world in.
Mutations are exciting, there aren't nearly enough of them.
The Mind is everything. Do drugs. But just don't have drugs.
Everything that is going to kill you is extremely appetizing.
In 20 years of comedy, I've probably had a dozen good points.
All traditions are stupid unless you came up with it yourself.
I need you to love me, I don't like me, either, if that helps.
That's why cocaine is illegal - it makes pussy too easy to get.
Love is such an arbitrary thing. I love my mom. I love pancakes.
Religious tolerance. No! Zero tolerance for any type of religion.
People hate people just cause they want someone different to hate.
I'm forty four; I'm way closer to dead than I am life of the party.
Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.
There's a fine line between being a sicko and an adventurous spirit.
That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet.
Shouldn't the long-term goal of any society be complete unemployment?
At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless.
Don't eat a mushroom stem and see colors, eat the whole bag and see GOD
I'd get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper.
I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny.
Not only are the voices in your head real, but they're accurate as well.
A real cop fights real crime. A vice cop's only job is to ruin the party.
Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.
The Unbookables are supposed to be unbookable. That's what it's all about.
I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.
Religion is by no means a proper subject of conversation in a mixed company.
I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.
[Stand-up] might be ballsy, but I'd rather not be an actor. Actors are tools.
Why even moon a sorority girl if they can't see the swingy egg bag part of it?