Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I do pauses, pauses work for me
I'm not a fighter, I'm a bleeder.
You exaggerate your own reactions.
You look like a horse in a man costume
Do your own thing. Speak in your voice.
I don't really think of myself as an actor.
Don't you DARE use party as a verb in my shop
I'm organised in some ways, but not in others.
What's the weather like? ... It's fierce mild!
Have I had therapy? I went to a yoga class once.
Don't clap I'm not a jazz band for Christ's sake.
I need a healthy injection of cynicism right now.
I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.
Nothing can make me feel better now, except cocaine.
I don't want to do the same thing over and over again.
The trend now is to get away from stage bound sitcoms.
It's easy to smile when you have a squirrel's intellect.
I don't go around thinking of myself as a great anything.
I quite fancy the 1940s. I like the trams and the trousers.
I've got better things to do than read rubbish about myself.
I wish I was like you! You know startled by direct sunlight.
I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.
You should be as alive as you can, until you're totally dead!
If I hadn't done this I might have ended up digging the roads.
I do not walk around imaging myself to be intimidating or smart.
I'll work for whoever wants to hire me. Even the jewelry channel.
We are both drawn to surreal situations so the writing was a joy.
I'm Irish, yeah, but I don't need to get up on a soapbox about it.
You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.
Look at his face. I bet his cornflakes try to crawl out of the bowl.
[Washington] is the political capital. It's essentially a big office.
Fruit... it's just God showing off. "Look at all the colours I know!"
You achieve the surreal jokes through the realism by making it elastic.
Why do I even dare to think I could dream I could imagine I could hope?!
I'm actually about as famous as a fourth division footballer from the 70s.
The truth is that I'm constitutionally incapable of doing an ordinary job.
Men look at breasts the way women look at babies. 'Aw, isn't that lovely?'
I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.
Lots of comics try stuff out all year round, which is very sensible - I don't.
Paper acts as an eraser on the mind, as soon as you look at what you've written.
I'm a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It's amazing I'm here at all.
I was lucky in the sense that I was never blessed with an overly reflective nature.
All the shy people are doomed! Natural selection favors the loud and the aggressive
Shame is one of the greatest aphrodisiacs in the world, anyway, built into religion.
Go and lie down in the dark... for hours... and don't move. I'm locking the door now
I don't have lungs anymore! Just two spare bags that flew in under a bridge one day.
Showing off seemed to me to be a highly valuable and necessary activity when I was 20.
Money can't buy you love, but it can get you some really good chocolate ginger biscuits.
You know it's a sad day when your child looks at you and asks 'Daddy, are these organic?'
Eggs! They're not a food, they belong in no group! They're just farts clothed in substance!