Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I'm a one-man idiot.
Cake and tea or death?
I'm an Action Transvestite.
Never put a sock in a toaster.
Most transvestites fancy girls.
I'd like to have sex with myself.
I am two lesbians in a man's body.
Peace, peace, peace. Peace is organized.
I'm a dyslexic person, so I avoid books.
Little red cookbook! Little red cookbook!
I wanted to be less well-known in comedy.
I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less.
I want to live till I die. No more, no less.
Some people are widely read. I'm thinly read.
Danger could be my middle name... But it's John.
I don't believe that competitions are important.
I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.
But the Dutch speak four languages and smoke marijuana!
I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.
It's my manifest destiny to wear a skirt in all countries.
You're gay, you sell books... you probably shag the books.
They tend to come out a colour called 'Pants left in wash'
Two languages in one brain? No one can live at that speed!
Animals in the wild are lean, and I think we should be too.
I've done a bit of Latin in my time...but I can control it.
Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia.
They’re not women’s clothes. They’re my clothes. I bought them.
America is the new Roman Empire. Remember what happened to Rome.
Poetry is very similar to music, only less notes and more words.
If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid.
You say 'erbs, and we say Herbs because there's a f*****g H in it!
You piss me off you Salmon... You're too expensive in restaurants.
If you've never seen an elephant ski, then you've never been on acid.
It's not a bloody piano, it's a clarenARt...you weird talking person.
What was the first cat that talked a human into putting a cat door in?
Comedy is a great weapon of attack. It's not a great weapon of support.
If I were Achilles I would put my foot in a f**k off block of concrete!
Cable cars are fun - everyone gets on board and becomes a rhesus monkey.
If there is a God, his plan is very similar to someone not having a plan.
I'm into humanity. I don't believe in God, but I believe in human beings.
If there were a god, don't you think he would have flicked Hitler's head off?
I did bronze survival swimming. I could save people in a bronzey kind of way.
Well, comedy is a great weapon of attack. It's not a great weapon of support.
You can't land on the moon and say, "Ooh, it's all sticky! It's covered in jam!
We will now sing forth, hymn 405, 'Oh God, what on earth is my hairdo all about?
They say the Universe started with a big bang. I hope everybody stood well back.
I am a professional transvestite, so I can run about in heels and not fall over.
There's two positions in snowboarding. One is looking cool and the other is DEAD!
Honey bees are amazing creatures. I mean, think about it, do earwigs make chutney?
When I watched Braveheart I was in tears and I was rooting for the Scottish people