Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Comedians shame people.
People internalise marketing.
I'm totally off any caffeine now.
Bombing Syria will achieve nothing.
How hard is it to get female panellists?
There's still a lot of racism in stand-up.
We need to take urgent action on climate change.
It is part of my job description to be offensive.
I have some friends who are comedians but not many.
Congratulations on passing your test! Your HIV positive.
Stephen Hawking: Brainier than Kurt Cobain's garage wall.
I love the BBC and I think it's a really important thing.
I don't think I'm angry. I'm horrified - powered by horror.
It turns out your not dyslexic, your just really really stupid.
I want to trace my father, could you suggest a good marker pen?
Welcome to Glasgow - the city where we punch people who are on fire.
To support policies that dehumanise others is to dehumanise yourself.
I want to be a part of a vibrant culture and have a more open culture.
Congratulations you're 18!... On a list of 20 people I'm going to kill.
I was drinking so much coffee and Red Bull just to keep going it screwed me.
Now, the magic of British parks at night, as Bill Oddie presents.. Gaywatch.
We live in a culture built on debt, so we are encouraged to have no self control.
I gave my girlfriend something she didn't expect for Valentine's day... Chlamydia.
Does anyone find it ironic how a program aimed at old people is called 'Countdown'?
When I went to school, sex education was mainly muttered warnings about the janitor.
I read tons of comic books. My favourite is Grant Morrison, a Scottish comic writer.
I don't know how long i could be a vet before i got bored and started shagging stuff.
Supporting Rangers, being in an Orange Lodge, that whole life - that's a valid culture.
Creationists have often made me doubt evolution, but probably not in the way they think.
Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!
I've never felt any sense of kinship with other comedians; they've always seemed too needy.
Supporting Celtic, waving a tricolour because your parents are Irish - that's a valid culture.
Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative: aye right.
As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.
Bisexuals are really attracted to senior Lib Dems - as they are both a man and a great big pussy.
If leadership is about listening, the great political speeches would have been a little different.
Islamic State practise a brand of Islamic law so strict that apparently Raqqa only has two Irish Pubs.
Why is it that it's okay to call a white person "mate" yet it's not okay to call a black guy "primate"?
The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?
I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.
I've been studying Israeli army martial arts. I now know 16 ways to kick a Palestinian woman in the back.
The No 1 priority in TV comedy today is 'don't frighten the horses,' and it's probably No 2 and 3 as well.
Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back? My wife still thinks I died in 9/11.
I think there is racism at the heart of British policy and has been both in Labour and Conservative times.
The East End of Glasgow is like the Olympics. Lots of foriegners in tracksuits struggling to speak English.
Barack Obama will appeal to both black and white voters in America. White voters who'll think he's Tiger Woods.
Sectarianism is a real problem, but it should be addressed by people engaging with each other - reconciliation.
Consumer culture needs us to be impulsive, while our political culture fears that we will ever develop discipline.
People who think there's no good way to die have obviously never heard the phrase 'Drug-fuelled-sex-heart-attack'.
There are many indicators of advanced civilisations, but unthinking hero worship of the military isn't one of them.