Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
He always had a chip on his shoulder that he was ready to use to kindle an argument.
The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.
An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.
When Jack Benny plays the violin, it sounds as though the strings are still in the cat.
A psychiatrists is the next man you start talking to after you start talking to yourself.
A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.
I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.
A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.
He has no idea what it was like to grow up in the South, where you had to hold your head down.
Condensed milk is wonderful. I don't see how they can get a cow to sit down on those little cans.
Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.
Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.
I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.
Three million frogs' legs are served in Paris - daily. Nobody knows what became of the rest of the frogs.
All that the comedian has to show for his years of work and aggravation is the echo of forgotten laughter.
Committee - a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.
Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.
I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is.
On ships they call them barnacles; in business they attach themselves to desks and are called vice presidents.
I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.
A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.
Success is like dealing with your kid or teaching your wife to drive. Sooner or later you'll end up in the police station.
Father Time is the make-up man responsible for the physical changes that determine the parts the average actor is to play.
It was once rumored that fledgling executives walked around their offices backwards so they wouldn't have to face an issue.
Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done.
A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
The average vice-president is a form of executive fungus that attaches itself to a desk. On a boat this growth would be called a barnacle.
The S.S. Sierra was a ten-thousand-ton vessel. Today, lifeboats bigger than the Sierra are found on the Queen Mary and other luxury liners.
The American arrives in Paris with a few French phrases he has culled from a conversational guide or picked up from a friend who owns a beret.
An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.
You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.
Cocktail party: A gathering held to enable forty people to talk about themselves at the same time. The man who remains after the liquor is gone is the host.
Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.
With the advance of refrigeration, I hope that along with the frozen foods someday we will have frozen conversation. A person will be able to keep a frozen promise indefinitely.
Everything is for the eye these days - TV, Life, Look, the movies. Nothing is just for the mind. The next generation will have eyeballs as big as cantaloupes and no brain at all.
Television is a triumph of equipment over people, and the minds that control it are so small that you could put them in a gnat's navel with room left over for two caraway seeds and an agent's heart.
The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows the average man can see much better than he can think- Ladies' Home JournalI'd rather have two girls at seventeen than one at thirty-four
It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals.
A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 AM and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 PM to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished before lunch.
We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.
I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.
Vaudeville could not vouch for the honesty, the integrity, or the mentality of the individuals who collectively made up the horde the medium embraced. All the human race demands of its members is that they be born. That is all vaudeville demanded. You just had to be born. You could be ignorant and be a star. You could be a moron and be wealthy. The elements that went to make up vaudeville were combed from the jungles, the four corners of the world, the intelligentsia and the subnormal.
I was just working in the shop and all of a sudden something just triggered in me, and I started shaking. And then I walked back into the house and my wife asked, 'What's the matter?' And I said, 'I don't feel good.' And tears, uncontrollable tears, was coming out of my eyes and she says, 'What's the matter?' And I told her. I said, 'I just thought about that execution that I did two days ago, and everybody else's that I was involved in.' And what it was, something triggered within, and it just, everybody - all of these executions all sprung forward.