Quotes by Fred Allen - Page 2

He always had a chip on his shoulder that he was ready to use to kindle an argument.
Fred Allen / Comedian
Anger
Argument
Use
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The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen / Comedian
Funny
Religion
Changed
Choir
Church
Church Choir
Clever
First Time
Hundred
Two
Funny Time People
First
Sang
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Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.
Fred Allen / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Cities
Competition
Actor
Good Great Bad
Washington
Good Actor
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An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.
Fred Allen / Comedian
Art
Funny
Humor
Hollywood
Associate
Producer
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When Jack Benny plays the violin, it sounds as though the strings are still in the cat.
Fred Allen / Comedian
Music
Cat
Play
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A psychiatrists is the next man you start talking to after you start talking to yourself.
Fred Allen / Comedian
Humor
Men
Talking
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A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.
Fred Allen / Comedian
Funny
Work
Humor
Unnecessary
Appointed
Committee
Group
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I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.
Fred Allen / Comedian
Funny
Travel
Boston
Humorous
Witty
Returned
The Only Thing
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A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.
Fred Allen / Comedian
Funny
Agents
Stars
Thousand
Agent
Good Better Will
Star
Magnify
Press
Telescope
Thousand Times
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He has no idea what it was like to grow up in the South, where you had to hold your head down.
Fred Allen / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Growing Up
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Condensed milk is wonderful. I don't see how they can get a cow to sit down on those little cans.
Fred Allen / Comedian
Food
Cooking
Littles
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Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.
Fred Allen / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Creation
Years
Hat
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Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.
Fred Allen / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Men
Carbon
Mediocrity
Radio
Bag
Little Men
Minds
Wallow
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I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.
Fred Allen / Comedian
Education
Graduation
College
Laughter
Law
Tuition
Back
Case
Day
Won
Got
Graduated
Learned
Well
Sued
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Three million frogs' legs are served in Paris - daily. Nobody knows what became of the rest of the frogs.
Fred Allen / Comedian
Food
Cooking
Paris
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All that the comedian has to show for his years of work and aggravation is the echo of forgotten laughter.
Fred Allen / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Laughter
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Committee - a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.
Fred Allen / Comedian
Committee
Group
Individually
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Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.
Fred Allen / Comedian
Funny
Humor
People
People Anything Who
Device
Permits
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I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is.
Fred Allen / Comedian
Inspirational
Faces
Memories
Names
Trouble
Remembering
Third
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On ships they call them barnacles; in business they attach themselves to desks and are called vice presidents.
Fred Allen / Comedian
President
Ships
Vices
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I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
Fred Allen / Comedian
Funny
Dollars
Novel
Writing
Years
Year
Buy
Easily
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During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.
Fred Allen / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Men
Johnson
Small Talk
Enjoying
Samuel
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A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
Fred Allen / Comedian
Done
Gathering
Together
Nothing
Together People Nothing
Conference
Together Done People
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Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.
Fred Allen / Comedian
Funny
Movie
Fear
Humor
Autographs
Church
Might
Stars
Sunglasses
Ask
Afraid
Wear
Movie Stars
Recognize
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Success is like dealing with your kid or teaching your wife to drive. Sooner or later you'll end up in the police station.
Fred Allen / Comedian
Funny
Success
Teaching
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Father Time is the make-up man responsible for the physical changes that determine the parts the average actor is to play.
Fred Allen / Comedian
Men
Average
Father
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It was once rumored that fledgling executives walked around their offices backwards so they wouldn't have to face an issue.
Fred Allen / Comedian
Faces
Issues
Office
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Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
Fred Allen / Comedian
Funny
Failure
Humor
Church
Oats
Six
Sowing
Sunday
Week
Pray
Days
Wild
Crop
Each
Each Week
Pray For
Six Days
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The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.
Fred Allen / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Advertising
Agency
Exposed
Advertising Agency
Forms
Conference
Desk
Executive
Fungus
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A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done.
Fred Allen / Comedian
Funny
Inspirational
Done
People
Teamwork
Nothing
Done People Nothing
People Nothing Who
Who
Committee
People Nothing Done
Group
Individually
Meet
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A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
Fred Allen / Comedian
Funny
Famous
Humor
Dark
Glasses
Hard
Hard Work
Well Known
Person
Then
Being
Avoid
Become
Works
Celebrity
Well
Recognized
Wears
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The average vice-president is a form of executive fungus that attaches itself to a desk. On a boat this growth would be called a barnacle.
Fred Allen / Comedian
Average
Growth
President
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The S.S. Sierra was a ten-thousand-ton vessel. Today, lifeboats bigger than the Sierra are found on the Queen Mary and other luxury liners.
Fred Allen / Comedian
Funny
Queens
Luxury
Sailing
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The American arrives in Paris with a few French phrases he has culled from a conversational guide or picked up from a friend who owns a beret.
Fred Allen / Comedian
Funny
Friendship
Humor
Travel
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An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.
Fred Allen / Comedian
Life
Success
Boys
Congratulations
Expectancy
Fleeting
Gas
Life Expectancy
Popularity
Lighted
Match
Tank
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You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.
Fred Allen / Comedian
Funny
Movie
Humor
Enough
Fruit
Heart
Hollywood
Navel
Seeds
Sincerity
Three
Take
Still
Fly
Place
Producer
Room
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Cocktail party: A gathering held to enable forty people to talk about themselves at the same time. The man who remains after the liquor is gone is the host.
Fred Allen / Comedian
Men
Party
People
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Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.
Fred Allen / Comedian
Life
Men
Estimation
Objectivity
Shoulders
Six
Strange
Biological
Hole
Objective
Terminate
Whose
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With the advance of refrigeration, I hope that along with the frozen foods someday we will have frozen conversation. A person will be able to keep a frozen promise indefinitely.
Fred Allen / Comedian
Able
Frozen
Promise
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Everything is for the eye these days - TV, Life, Look, the movies. Nothing is just for the mind. The next generation will have eyeballs as big as cantaloupes and no brain at all.
Fred Allen / Comedian
Brain
Eye
Mind
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Television is a triumph of equipment over people, and the minds that control it are so small that you could put them in a gnat's navel with room left over for two caraway seeds and an agent's heart.
Fred Allen / Comedian
Art
Gnats
Two
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The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows the average man can see much better than he can think- Ladies' Home JournalI'd rather have two girls at seventeen than one at thirty-four
Fred Allen / Comedian
Girl
Home
Maturity
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It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals.
Fred Allen / Comedian
Love
Achievement
Dependence
Goal
Partners
Stay Strong
Supportive
Alliance
Mutually
Private
Rather
Recognize
Shared
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A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 AM and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 PM to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished before lunch.
Fred Allen / Comedian
Funny
Work
Humor
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We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.
Fred Allen / Comedian
Comedian
Comedy
Compelled
Competition
First Time
Historical
Oblivion
Time History Age
Himself
Machine Age
Material
Treadmill
Supply
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I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.
Fred Allen / Comedian
Kids
Easter
Home
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Vaudeville could not vouch for the honesty, the integrity, or the mentality of the individuals who collectively made up the horde the medium embraced. All the human race demands of its members is that they be born. That is all vaudeville demanded. You just had to be born. You could be ignorant and be a star. You could be a moron and be wealthy. The elements that went to make up vaudeville were combed from the jungles, the four corners of the world, the intelligentsia and the subnormal.
Fred Allen / Comedian
Honesty
Integrity
Stars
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I was just working in the shop and all of a sudden something just triggered in me, and I started shaking. And then I walked back into the house and my wife asked, 'What's the matter?' And I said, 'I don't feel good.' And tears, uncontrollable tears, was coming out of my eyes and she says, 'What's the matter?' And I told her. I said, 'I just thought about that execution that I did two days ago, and everybody else's that I was involved in.' And what it was, something triggered within, and it just, everybody - all of these executions all sprung forward.
Fred Allen / Comedian
Eye
Two
Wife
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Fred Allen Quotes - Page 2

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