Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
He's so small, he's a waste of skin.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
Hollywood is a great place if you're an orange.
The world is a grindstone and life is your nose
Television is the triumph of machine over people.
Television is a triumph of equipment over people.
She used to be a teacher but she has no class now.
California is a great place to live if you're an orange.
In show business, more showgirls are kept than promises.
What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement.
A human being is nothing but a story with skin around it.
Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.
I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.
I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.
Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut.
Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.
My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama.
I'd rather have two girls at seventeen than one at thirty-four.
A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.
There are two kinds of jokes - funny jokes and Jack Benny jokes.
The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed.
California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.
Hush, little bright line, don’t you cry You’ll be a cliché by and by.
If criticism had any power to harm, the skunk would be extinct by now.
If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.
Radio is called a medium because it is rare that anything is well done.
To a newspaperman, a human being is an item with skin wrapped around it.
An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
After quitting radio I was able to live on the money I saved on aspirins.
Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
He writes so well he makes me feel like putting my quill back in my goose.
I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.
It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips.
An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.
My agent gets 10 percent of everything I get, except the blinding headaches.
My hometown was so dull that one time the tide went out and never came back.
English coffee tastes like water that has been squeezed out of a wet sleeve.
The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.
He was so narrow minded that if he fell on a pin it would blind him in both eyes.
A comedian who starts talking to himself becomes his own audience. This is fatal.
My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.
If the grass is greener in the other fellow's yard- let him worry about cutting it.
He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.