Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.
If I paid ten dollars for a cigar, first I'd make love to it, then I'd smoke it.
I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
A married couple that plays cards together is just a fight that hasn't started yet.
This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.
If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
I'd rather be a flop at show business than to be a success at something I didn't like.
I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.
The most important thing in acting is honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
I drink coffee with my right hand, and I smoke with my left. But I talk with both hands.
If you stay in the business long enough and get to be old enough, you get to be new again.
I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.
When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.
I smoke cigars because at my age if I don't have something to hang on to I might fall down.
I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old.
Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.
It's better to be happy doing something you love, even if you don't find success right away.
I get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my name's not there, I eat breakfast.
In show business the key word is honesty. Once you've learned to fake that, the rest is easy.
I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.
When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.'
I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than most western countries.
Sex has been around for a long time. You may not believe this, but it was around before I was.
If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it.
There's nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed.
When I'm in front of an audience, all that love and vitality sweeps over me and I forget my age.
Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
When I was in Vegas women were throwing their hotel keys at me. But it was after they checked out.
A young mind in a healthy body is a wonderful thing. Especially for an old man with an open night.
There's an old saying, 'Life begins at forty.' That's silly. Life begins every morning you wake up.
Dress simply. If you wear a dinner jacket, don't wear anything else on it ... like lunch or dinner.
Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.
I look better, feel better, make love better and I'll tell you something else....I never lied better.
Much later in life, though, Gracie made a major contribution to the opera world. She stayed out of it.
Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
When you stop giving and offering something to the rest of the world, it's time to turn out the lights.
Sex after 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. Even putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.
I find you have to take each day as it comes and be thankful for who's left and whatever you can still do.
Should I be the one to play God? We're both about the same age, but we grew up in different neighborhoods.
Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.
I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.
I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.
She didn't need to go to acting school to learn that the essence of acting is to act like you're not acting.
People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.
Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.
It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
If I get big laughs, I'm a comedian. If I get little laughs, I'm a humorist. If I get no laughs, I'm a singer.
I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.