Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Nothing can help my comedy.
Off-camera, I sound like Perry Como.
In real life I'm a tall, blond Christian.
I'd make Jack Benny look like a philanthropist.
I'm known for my slightly inappropriate remarks.
I changed the face of comedy. I used to be funny.
I'm eventually gonna take the Daryl Hannah parts.
You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.
Unfortunately, I've never been mistaken as Johnny Depp.
Well, I'm eventually gonna take the Daryl Hannah parts.
I'm used to explaining to people why my jokes were funny.
You never know what people will choose to be offended by.
I predict one of these two teams will win the Super Bowl.
I think a lot of people have too much time on their hands.
What do Japanese Jews love to eat? Hebrew National Tsunami.
I always try to avoid anything that has to do with my life.
I think of Alan Thicke as Perry Como without the excitement.
R2D2 has gotten more work since “Star Wars” than Carrie Fisher
If they'd wanted a nice parrot, they wouldn't have asked for me.
If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.
Well, I play Jews and parrots. Parrots are how I've branched out.
No, generally I think influence is used as a nice word for plagiarism.
I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things.
Japan is really advanced. They don't go to the beach. The beach comes to them.
I personally think Miles Davis is a lot funnier than me. And he's working more.
Every time something pops in my head, I think twice about it and I do it anyway.
I would show up at a party for Al Qaeda if you said there's going to be a dinner.
I've never been one of those who wanted to fill my calendar up 90 percent of the time.
If the police ever try to pick me up, Michael Jackson told me I can hide out at his house.
People have many theories about comedy, but being just plain funny is the one most important thing.
If I could cause world peace by taking someone out to lunch, I'd go, 'Well, war isn't that terrible.'
I just don't accept midgets as human beings. There's only so much political correctness I can accept.
If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.
With the Internet, if you erase something it just means you have to spend another half-minute to find it.
There definitely is exposure in reality shows, but the exposure will basically get you more reality shows.
The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I've given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever.
If someone says that I'm the best at anything, I always just agree with them. I'm certainly not gonna argue.
I understand being less sexy than Osama bin Laden, but not less sexy than Carrot Top. That, I find offensive.
I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.
Any misfortune that happens to another person is funny. If it happens to someone else and not me, it's very funny.
I just split up with my girlfriend, but like the Japanese say, “They’ll be another one floating by any minute now.”
I've done a lot of Fox shows since then - Married with Children, Living Single and a whole bunch of other Fox things.
The joy of the roasts is to watch people get hurt and offended, and then have to laugh to pretend they're a good sport.
Reality TV has totally destroyed soap operas. They're gone. They used to be the biggest thing in the world - they're gone.
I'm one of those people that picks up the remote control and just keep hitting constantly, even if I like the show I'm watching.
I'd like to have a kid, but I'd probably get a Frank Sinatra Jr. instead of a Gilbert Gottfried Jr. I'd totally screw up like that.
I'm a very anti-vacation person. Because I'm always getting on planes for work, to me, a vacation is when I don't have to get on a plane.
When you watch Robin Williams, you can see a lot of Jonathan Winters. Robin is the first one to admit that; he worshiped Jonathan Winters.
There are certain things I don't want to joke about. If it's about somebody else, it's fine. If it's about me, I think it's totally insensitive!
If you're a lead actor, people are just waiting to say 'you're too old' or 'you're too unhip.' If you're a supporting actor, you can just work forever.