Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.
The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"
College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.
You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.
Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?
If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.
My wife and I got remarried. Our divorce didn't work out.
Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.
I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.
In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess.
Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.
On dancing on pointe: Why don't they just get taller girls?
A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.
I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.
Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?
I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.
This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.
I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I just made a killing in the stock market -- I shot my broker.
Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.
"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"
When it comes to work, there are many who will stop at nothing.
I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.
Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.
The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!
She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.
A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
Now, the band that inspired that great saying, "Stop The Music!!"
All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.
Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?
My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick".
My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.
I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn."
My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better.
While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad.
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.