Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.
Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.
A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.
I asked a Jewish man, "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said, "Yes", and walked away.
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.
I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.
A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree.
Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.
If, as the scientist say, sex is such a driving force, why is so much of it nowadays found parked?
We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.
My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did
Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!
A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
I've got enough money to last the rest of my life ... as long as I die about four o'clock this afternoon.
I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!
I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow.
My wife lost all her credit cards, but I'm not going to report it. Whoever found them spends less than she does!
My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.
I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."
Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the bellboy made fifty-two trips to my room.
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"
My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"
A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single!"
A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
Two kangaroos were talking to each other, and one said, 'I hope it doesn't rain today. I hate it when the children play inside.
A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.
A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
The hitter asks the owner to give him a big raise so he can go somewhere he's never been, and the owner says "You mean third base?"
A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"
I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."
2 Jewish women in New York. One says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says, "I live in the back, I don't see anything."
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.