Quotes by Jay London - Page 1

I model irregular clothing.
Jay London / Comedian
Clothings
Models
Clothing
Model
Irregular
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I saw a stationery store move.
Jay London / Comedian
Funny
Saw
Store
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You know what burns me? Matches.
Jay London / Comedian
Burns
Matches
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I was born nine months premature.
Jay London / Comedian
Nine
Nine Months
Premature
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Do you know it was a year a ago today?
Jay London / Comedian
Do You Know
Today
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People read me but they don't subscribe.
Jay London / Comedian
Subscribe
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Did you know that today will never be tomorrow.
Jay London / Comedian
Knows
Today
Tomorrow
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I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm.
Jay London / Comedian
Girl
Dating
Storm
Weather
Dated
Talked
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A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.
Jay London / Comedian
Opportunity
Rocks
Window
Involves
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I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road.
Jay London / Comedian
Driving
Hug
Lonely
Tonight
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My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.
Jay London / Comedian
Crabs
Girlfriend
Stockings
Bought
Fishnet
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I went to a urologist - he told me I could go at any time.
Jay London / Comedian
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I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.
Jay London / Comedian
Causes
Drug
May
Enhancing
Performance
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I saw a sign it said left lane closed so I went someplace else.
Jay London / Comedian
Closed
Lane
Sign
Someplace
Someplace Else
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I went out with a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody.
Jay London / Comedian
Funny
Hilarious
Women
Promiscuous
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It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes
Jay London / Comedian
Funny
Dog
Humorous
Witty
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It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.
Jay London / Comedian
Funny
Dog
Minutes
Started
Free
Began
Getting
Roll
Over
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I went out with a promiscuous impressionist - she did everybody.
Jay London / Comedian
Promiscuous
Impressionist
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A guy gave me a job at an information booth - no questions asked.
Jay London / Comedian
Jobs
Work
Laughing
Booth
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My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless.
Jay London / Comedian
Butt
Gear
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I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights
Jay London / Comedian
Funny
Life
Witty
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My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings
Jay London / Comedian
Funny
Life
Witty
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I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.
Jay London / Comedian
Funny
Morning
Hair
Highlights
Tonight
Recorded
Watching
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My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.
Jay London / Comedian
Funny
Father
Mood
Swings
Put
Mood Swings
Playground
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My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.
Jay London / Comedian
Dating
Fit
Girlfriend
Personality
Bought
Jacket
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I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.
Jay London / Comedian
Book
Fall
Loss
Pages
Falling
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At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you?
Jay London / Comedian
Amish
Wonder
Motel
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I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.
Jay London / Comedian
Identity
Identity Theft
Needs
Theft
Worry
Wants
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You might recognize me, I'm the fourth guy from the left on the evolutionary chart.
Jay London / Comedian
Fourth
Guy
Might
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My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.
Jay London / Comedian
Cheese
Cheesy
Whole Family
Intolerant
Pictures
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I went to a record store and asked for 50 cent. They kicked me out for pan-handling.
Jay London / Comedian
Asked
Cent
Record
Record Store
Store
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I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?
Jay London / Comedian
Medical
Doctors
Hands
Said
Acute
Doctor
Compared
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They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.
Jay London / Comedian
Adults
Concerned
Euthanasia
Said
Adult
Asked
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I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.
Jay London / Comedian
Cockroaches
Convinced
Military
Military Training
Training
Bomb
Roach
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I wanted to join the Army the sign said 'Be All That You Can Be', they told me it wasn't enough.
Jay London / Comedian
Army
Join
Sign
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I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.
Jay London / Comedian
Boyfriend
Smile
Dad
Blunt
Father
Tears
Music Myself Me
Bought
Instrument
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I went to an audition the other day, they were casting 13 people to be clouds, 14 people showed up, it was overcast.
Jay London / Comedian
Casting
Clouds
People
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I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.
Jay London / Comedian
End Of The World
Explosions
Nuclear
World
Worry
World End End Of The World
Therapist
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His puppyhood was a period of foolish rebellion. He was always worsted, but he fought back because it was his nature to fight back. And he was unconquerable.
Jay London / Comedian
Dog
Fighting
Rebellion
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After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, cause we have nicknames. So I named my private part pride... it's not much but at least I have my pride.
Jay London / Comedian
Nicknames
Pride
Privilege
Years
Named
Cause
Least
Naming
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I went to the store and bought lady fingers, when I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger.
Jay London / Comedian
Home
Give Me
Giving
Missing
Nice
Home Enough Me
Bought
Finger
Lady
Manager
Noticed
Store
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Jay London Quotes - Page 1

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