Joe E. Lewis Quotes

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  • Comedian
  • 1902 - 1971
  • 35 quotes

Joe E. Lewis, a comedian (1902 - 1971), is quoted 35 times on QuoteForever. The subjects that come up most often are Funny, Alcohol, Drinking and Drink.

Quotes with a ready-made image come first, then the rest in order of how often they are read and shared. Open any quote to copy it, share it, or turn it into a picture quote.

I drink to forget I drink.

I always wake up at the crack of ice.

We can afford almost any mistake once.

It pays to get drunk with the best people.

If you drink like a fish, don't drive: swim.

I don’t drink anymore - just the same amount.

I know a lot more old drunks than old doctors.

I would take a bomb, but I can't stand the noise.

Show me a friend in need and I'll show you a pest.

The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.

I don't like money actually, but it quiets the nerves.

Rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for U.S. Steel.

There's only one thing money won't buy, and that is poverty.

You only live once - but if you work it right, once is enough.

Show me a man with very little money and I will show you a bum.

I met with an accident on the way to the track; I arrived safely.

You are only young once, and if you work it right, once is enough.

I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.

A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on.

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

If you want to make a dangerous man your friend, let him do you a favor.

It doesn't matter whether you are rich or poor - as long as you've got money.

I'm still chasing girls. I don't remember what for, but I'm still chasing them.

Boys, I have been rich and I have been poor, and believe me being rich is better.

Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say I'm thirsty, not dirty.

I don't drink any more than the man next to me, and the man next to me is Dean Martin.

Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my scotch, I say, I'm thirsty, not dirty.

Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants on.

Adlai Stevenson has a genius for saying the right thing, at the right time, to the wrong people.

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.

I never went to school beyond the 3rd grade, but my mother taught me the difference between right and wrong.

I've been on such a losing streak that if I had been around I would have taken General Custer and given points.

I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster.

You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to roll over and float on his back, then you got something!

They had me on the operating table all day. They looked into my stomach, my gall bladder, they examined everything inside of me. Know what they decided? I need glasses.

Joe E. Lewis is quoted on

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