Quotes by Lisa Lampanelli - Page 2

I'm obsessed with reality TV anyway - I use my knowledge of that stuff to make jokes on Twitter and Facebook to get more people to sign up to be fans.
Lisa Lampanelli / Stand-Up Comedian
Reality Tv
Twitter And Facebook
Facebook
More People
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By Hollywood standards I'm still fat: until you are zero, you are big. I do get cold a lot now. I used to have a lot of layers - now I got to get a fur coat.
Lisa Lampanelli / Stand-Up Comedian
Zero
Fur
Layers
Standards
Fat
Coat
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I've played every comedy club and every theatre across the country for the last 25 years and seen a lot of audience members from different ethnic persuasions.
Lisa Lampanelli / Stand-Up Comedian
Audience Members
Comedy Club
Ethnic
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I always order soup, dessert, and a sandwich or whatever main course. But then the idea is you have to eat such a small portion of it and bring the rest home.
Lisa Lampanelli / Stand-Up Comedian
Main Course
Soup
Portion
Sandwich
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I order food like a normal human being. If I'm out to lunch, I'm going to order three courses like everybody else. I'm not going to feel like some kind of freak.
Lisa Lampanelli / Stand-Up Comedian
Courses
Freak
Lunch
Everybody Else
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We usually let our husbands negotiate the house and the cars. But I never had a husband, so I was always buying my own houses and cars, so I knew how to negotiate.
Lisa Lampanelli / Stand-Up Comedian
Buying
Houses
Husbands
Negotiate
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I got sick of trying everything. I tried every single thing imaginable - diet, exercise. I even bought a house on the health spa property, and I still gained weight.
Lisa Lampanelli / Stand-Up Comedian
Diet
Property
Health Diet Exercise
Every Single Thing
Gained
Imaginable
Single Thing
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I wasn't ready to be a dog's mother! Trust me, I'm completely unfit and irresponsible. I'm a comic that travels 48 weeks a year, but I make it work, so you can, too.
Lisa Lampanelli / Stand-Up Comedian
Comic
Dog
Irresponsible
Ready
Trust Me
Trust Work Me
Travels
Unfit
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I'm way too famous and rich to be on a dating app, but if I get very desperate by the time I'm 60, I'll go on Tinder. Or I'll go on 'Millionaire Matchmaker'; I'll call Patti Stanger.
Lisa Lampanelli / Stand-Up Comedian
Dating
Desperate
App
By The Time
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I think people were just seriously happy to find a funny woman who does comedy like a man. Because I learned how to do comedy from guys, from watching those Dean Martin roasts years ago.
Lisa Lampanelli / Stand-Up Comedian
Dean
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I really think the biggest honor, as a comic, is to get roasted by either the Friars Club or the Comedy Central or someone like that. Because it really shows, you know, that you've arrived.
Lisa Lampanelli / Stand-Up Comedian
Central
Comedy Central
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By being politically correct, you're closing your mind to a different point of view. Which sounds a lot like prejudice. Which is definitely not politically correct. See what I just did there?
Lisa Lampanelli / Stand-Up Comedian
Closing
Point Of View
Politically Correct
Prejudice
Correct
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It used to be that in media, Johnny Carson used to be the most important person when he would invite you over to sit on the couch after your comedy skit. Now it's whatever Howard Stern says goes.
Lisa Lampanelli / Stand-Up Comedian
Comedy
Important Person
Skit
Couch
Stern
Johnny
Howard Stern
Invite
The Most Important
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The thing is, in the dating profiles it says 'spiritual,' but not with a specific religion. And so I pretty much try to meditate, but I have a very hard time concentrating on things other than me.
Lisa Lampanelli / Stand-Up Comedian
Dating
Concentrating
Hard Time
Profiles
Meditate
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I remember once doing a benefit for a Jewish charity and wearing an enormous cross. I kind of don't let the audience dictate anything to me. I sort of dictate to them, and they better be on board.
Lisa Lampanelli / Stand-Up Comedian
Charity
Enormous
Jewish
Me Better Remember
Benefit
Board
Better Me Remember
Cross
Dictate
Me Remember Better
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I'm not looking for 'outer esteem' anymore, what they call 'other esteem.' I'm looking for self-esteem. And people think that self-esteem is built with accomplishments. And, 'Hey, look what I did in my life.'
Lisa Lampanelli / Stand-Up Comedian
Esteem
Hey
Self Esteem
Life Look People
Life Look My Life
Accomplishments
Outer
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With Don Rickles and me, we're just telling the truth. We're not terrific people, and we're not gonna win the beauty contest. We're just average Joes. We're just being who we are, and I think people like that.
Lisa Lampanelli / Stand-Up Comedian
Average
Telling The Truth
Terrific
Beauty Truth Me
Contest
Telling
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Until I got the weight off, there was something inside of me that said, 'You hate yourself.' You get too depressed over the weight to really work on this. For whatever reason, I had to take the weight off to do this work.
Lisa Lampanelli / Stand-Up Comedian
Depressed
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Even going on stage is a service because it brings people up from thinking about their lost job or their lost spouse or something like that, so that even helps people when I'm doing comedy; it's all done to make them laugh.
Lisa Lampanelli / Stand-Up Comedian
Jobs
People
Thinking
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Interesting-looking people have always been comedians, and it's rare that someone who has the choice to model ends up being a comic. Except for maybe Whitney Cummings, but that's about it. That's why she's special: because she can combine it.
Lisa Lampanelli / Stand-Up Comedian
Whitney
Always People Choice
Rare
Combine
Comedians
People Choice Always
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A roast is really an honor. If they picked me to be roasted, I'd be the most flattered I'd be in my life. If I could pick some people to roast, I'd pick my heroes, Don Rickles and Howard Stern. Those are the people I'd like to give some honor to.
Lisa Lampanelli / Stand-Up Comedian
Flattered
If I Could
Stern
Howard Stern
Picked
Roast
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I say every slur on the planet - racial, homosexual, everything to do with every ethnic group on the planet - and guess what? I will never apologize for that because I know why I do it, and it is to make a valid point about ignorance in this society.
Lisa Lampanelli / Stand-Up Comedian
Homosexual
Ignorance
Apologize
Ethnic
Racial
Valid
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I have rage and anger issues. So I get mad about stuff in real life, and then I yell about it onstage, and luckily, something funny ends up coming out. What I'll do is tape-record it, and it will end up coming out even funnier. And I add more punch lines.
Lisa Lampanelli / Stand-Up Comedian
Anger
Funny
Add
Ends
Issues
Lines
Mad
Rage
Real Life
Stuff
Coming
Funnier
Luckily
Onstage
Punch
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I kind of knew inside that I wanted to try comedy, but it was a mystery. How do you start? So when I hit 30 and I had done everything I wanted to do in journalism, so I went to a comedy class. I figured I'd learn how to do five minutes and see how it feels.
Lisa Lampanelli / Stand-Up Comedian
Journalism
Figured
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I usually get so warned when I go to Detroit, like, 'Oh my God, don't go to this section, don't go to that section.' I've never had any issues in Detroit. I love that there's enough of a racial mix of people to make fun of. I've always had a good time there.
Lisa Lampanelli / Stand-Up Comedian
Detroit
Love God Time
Mix
Oh My God
Racial
Section
Warned
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I'm a take-no-prisoners type of comic, and I'm lucky because my fans get me and never have a problem with the politically incorrect themes of my act. But I am continually amazed by how a certain section of our society seems to be so freakin' sensitive about jokes.
Lisa Lampanelli / Stand-Up Comedian
Amazed
Sensitive
Continually
Incorrect
Politically Incorrect
Section
Themes
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Howard Stern gave me the best advice about Twitter and the N word. He said maybe onstage people get the intention behind the joke, but a tweet is 140 characters or less, and maybe that's why people overreact. I don't need to rustle any more feathers and lose any investors.
Lisa Lampanelli / Stand-Up Comedian
Feathers
Intention
Investors
Tweet
Best Me Lose
Stern
Howard Stern
Onstage
Rustle
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I was 25 myself once. I also thought I knew everything. I also thought that I could give singers singing advice and comics comedy advice. When you're that age, you know it all, so I understand it. But when you're tired and you don't have patience for it, you definitely snap.
Lisa Lampanelli / Stand-Up Comedian
Singers
Comics
Snap
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When doing comedy, I do what makes me laugh. The first person I learned from said I should talk about things I am passionate about - that I love or hate - because the audience likes to see passion. The stuff I rant and rave about stems from a place that really pisses me off.
Lisa Lampanelli / Stand-Up Comedian
Likes
Rant
Rave
Stems
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I thought I had to work at someplace everybody's heard of. It was never, 'I'm interested in such and such. I want to work in such and such magazine.' It was like, 'Oh, my G-d, I really need to work for somebody so people will think I'm OK.' So I got a job at 'Popular Mechanics'.
Lisa Lampanelli / Stand-Up Comedian
Work People Will
Magazine
Mechanics
Someplace
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I didn't feel ready to leave home, because it went from no freedom to all freedom. And I was like, 'Oh, my God, I don't know what I'm doing in college.' There seemed to be no like-minded people where I was... I didn't have a clan. I didn't have a choir... There was no safety net.
Lisa Lampanelli / Stand-Up Comedian
Choir
Safety
Safety Net
Clan
Net
Oh My God
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In the end, censoring a comedian's jokes is on par with censoring 'Huckleberry Finn.' Now, I'm not comparing myself to Mark Twain - he had much wavier hair and a slightly thicker mustache. But when you deny an artist the chance to explore his art, you're forcing your beliefs on him.
Lisa Lampanelli / Stand-Up Comedian
Comedian
Deny
Huckleberry
Mustache
Beliefs
Comparing
Explore
Forcing
Huckleberry Finn
In The End
Par
Thicker
Twain
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Basically, I think some of the weight helped take some of the walls down in reality, so basically I got a little more confident. I'm definitely not super confident, but I am confident that I don't have to hide behind those layers of fat and that I can actually open up to people a little more.
Lisa Lampanelli / Stand-Up Comedian
Layers
Fat
Reality I Am People
Hide
Walls
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People with HIV and AIDS are nothing to be afraid of. They are people just like every single one of us, and each has a story to tell. These people should be helped, embraced, and not dismissed. We need to open our hearts and our minds to them, and we just may learn we're pretty much all the same.
Lisa Lampanelli / Stand-Up Comedian
Aids
Hiv
May
Should
Single
Like
Just
Need
Nothing
Afraid
Much
Pretty
Same
Open
Them
Every
Dismissed
Each
Embraced
Hearts
Learn
Minds
Story
Tell
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Mr. Trump, I really can't comment, because he was my boss on 'Celebrity Apprentice,' and I just don't think we should let him be president until he produces evidence that the thing on his head is real. Because he wanted to see Obama's birth certificate, we should ask for a certificate of real hair.
Lisa Lampanelli / Stand-Up Comedian
Apprentice
Birth
Birth Certificate
Boss
Comment
Evidence
Certificate
Produces
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My thing has always been, I've never been very open and vulnerable with people, so the minute I got this dog, everything changed. It just opened me up and made me more loving... It's all because of him... He's made me a better person... I can tell people what I feel now. I can cry in front of people sometimes.
Lisa Lampanelli / Stand-Up Comedian
Better Person
Cry
Me Better People
Always Me Better
Better Always Me
Opened
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Every day, I wake up and ask, 'Am I hungry?' If I'm physically hungry, I eat something that's hopefully good for me, and then do it again in a few hours. If I get a phone call I don't like, I'll say to myself, 'Is that the reason I want to eat something?' If it is, I try not to do it. It's literally a lifestyle.
Lisa Lampanelli / Stand-Up Comedian
Hungry
Lifestyle
Good Myself Me
Phone Call
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I keep getting asked out by really young, good looking boys and really ugly lesbians. So, even if I wanted to jump onto the tuna boat, I wouldn't because I'm not getting high-class babes that I should get at this level of my career. And I always know the ugly ones are serious and that the good-looking ones are goofing on me.
Lisa Lampanelli / Stand-Up Comedian
Boat
Tuna
Good Always Me
Babes
Good-Looking
Goofing
Jump
Lesbians
Onto
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'Baywatch' sucks so bad. I didn't watch it the first time around; I'm sure not going to buy a DVD. But really, you just kind of find out the categories of what's most foolish about these people. With Hasselhoff, it's obviously the huge man-tits with chest hair, probably a lot about his crappy acting, obviously the hamburger video - that's huge.
Lisa Lampanelli / Stand-Up Comedian
Baywatch
Categories
Foolish
Sucks
Chest
Crappy
Hamburger
Time Bad People
Just Kind
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Comedy is like music - there are genres and styles for every taste. Katy Perry is there for people who like frothy pop music. Metallica is there for people who like head-banging metal. And Susan Boyle is there for... well, I don't who the hell is listening to that freak of nature, but that's not the point. In art, there's something for everybody.
Lisa Lampanelli / Stand-Up Comedian
Freak
Metallica
Pop Music
Genres
Hell Is
Metal
Perry
Styles
Susan
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Lisa Lampanelli Quotes - Page 2

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