Quotes by Michelle Wolf - Page 1

I'm a standard overachiever.
Michelle Wolf /
Overachiever
Standard
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The jig is up: I'm not a nice lady.
Michelle Wolf /
Jig
Lady
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Republicans are easy to make fun of.
Michelle Wolf /
Republicans
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For eight years, all I cared about was track.
Michelle Wolf /
Cared
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The more confident I am, the more daring I am.
Michelle Wolf /
Daring
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We're never gonna have a nice lady run for president.
Michelle Wolf /
Lady
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Before stand-up, I'm not sure I even had a point of view.
Michelle Wolf /
Point Of View
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You know how I know I'm white? I can cry myself out of a parking ticket.
Michelle Wolf /
Parking
Ticket
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I've watched 'The Daily Show' forever. So being a part of it is surreal.
Michelle Wolf /
Daily Show
Surreal
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The most useful information on CNN is when Anthony Bourdain tells me where to eat noodles.
Michelle Wolf /
Cnn
Noodles
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Writing and telling jokes is my favorite thing to do, and I want to be able to do that forever.
Michelle Wolf /
Favorite Thing
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Mike Pence is the kind of guy that brushes his teeth and then drinks orange juice and thinks, 'Mmm.'
Michelle Wolf /
Brushes
Guy
Juice
Mike
Orange
Teeth
Drinks
Thinks
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People can be successful for a short period of time, but only a handful of people are successful for decades.
Michelle Wolf /
Decades
Handful
Time People Short
Only A Handful
Short Period
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Some comedy has turned into, 'Donald Trump's bad, isn't he?' That's a true statement. But where is your joke?
Michelle Wolf /
Donald
Statement
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I don't want to alienate anybody. If you're making a joke about men and men are laughing at it, it's a good joke.
Michelle Wolf /
Laughing
Alienate
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You don't get to choose your voice! I was never like, 'Oh, I'll take the voice that causes dogs to gather outside.'
Michelle Wolf /
Causes
Dogs
Gather
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I took an improv class, and after my first class, I was like, 'Oh, I just want to do something like this. This is super fun.'
Michelle Wolf /
First Class
Improv
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I always almost miss my flight. My routine is to constantly, no matter how bad or good the traffic is, to almost miss my flight.
Michelle Wolf /
Flight
Routine
Traffic
Good Always Bad
Almost
Miss
Constantly
Good Bad Always
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We cannot forget about Rachel Maddow. She is the Peter Pan of MSNBC. But instead of never growing up, she never gets to the point.
Michelle Wolf /
Peter
Msnbc
Pan
Peter Pan
We Cannot
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When I'm on the road, I eat like I'm on the third day of a hiking trip all the time. I'm eating beef jerky and trail mix constantly.
Michelle Wolf /
Beef
Hiking
Mix
Trail
Trip
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I would love to be a dad. There are plenty of comedians who have kids. But they're dads. Being a dad is so different from being a mom.
Michelle Wolf /
Mom
Plenty
Love Mom Dad
Comedians
Dads
Love Dad Mom
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Taking a night off from comedy to go on a date with someone I'm probably not going to like anyway sounds like the worst trade-off in my mind.
Michelle Wolf /
Date
Trade-Off
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Before comedy, I worked at a tech company, and before that, I worked on Wall Street. And, honestly, I've never really been sexually harassed.
Michelle Wolf /
Sexually
Harassed
Tech
Wall Street
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I always loved comedy, but in my mind, it wasn't a viable career option. I always thought, 'You go to college. You get a job, and then you pay off college.'
Michelle Wolf /
Option
Viable
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There's something about us as stand-ups that when we're on our feet, we feel more in control of the situation and in control of our bodies and our delivery.
Michelle Wolf /
Delivery
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There's a lot of nuances to stand-up that you definitely see when you watch someone like Chris Rock in that his body position is also part of why the joke works.
Michelle Wolf /
Chris
Chris Rock
Nuances
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I always think about my jokes as like I'm driving down a street, trying to go into all the culs-de-sacs along the way. I'm just taking a thoughtful, weird journey.
Michelle Wolf /
Thoughtful
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Very early on, I met this one comic who said if you're not doing stand-up every night, you're not doing it. And so I just kind of believed that and worked off that.
Michelle Wolf /
Every Night
Just Kind
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I was a kinesiology major in college, which is exercise science. Then, I was either going to get my Ph.D. or go to medical school, but I was kind of burned out after school.
Michelle Wolf /
Burned
Exercise
Medical School
Major
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Watching Rachel Maddow is like going to Target. You went in for milk, but you left with shampoo, candles, and the entire history of the Byzantine Empire. 'I didn't need this.'
Michelle Wolf /
History
Left
Milk
Shampoo
Target
Candles
Empire
Entire
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I've been lucky enough to do a lot of very interesting things, and every time, I've been like, 'I want to put everything into this because I want to see how far I can go with it.'
Michelle Wolf /
Interesting Things
How Far
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A lot of people want Trump to be impeached. I do not. Because just when you think Trump is awful, you remember Mike Pence. Mike Pence is what happens when Anderson Cooper isn't gay.
Michelle Wolf /
Mike
Anderson
Cooper
Impeached
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It's important for people to, instead of automatically assuming everything the opposite side says is incorrect, you have to at least listen and see why someone might feel a certain way.
Michelle Wolf /
Assuming
Important People Feel
Automatically
Certain Way
People Way Important
Incorrect
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I did so many open mics. I would write jokes on Twitter constantly, and then slowly, over time, open mics turned into shows. If you can get a joke to work at an open mic, it's a good joke.
Michelle Wolf /
Work Time Good
Slowly
Mic
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I was an athlete in college, and Wall Street likes athletes because they're very competitive people that are willing to do anything to win. So I got a job at Bear Stearns in the summer of 2007.
Michelle Wolf /
Athlete
Bear
Wall Street
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Writing for late night is really good for learning how to write when you don't want to write. You have to produce every day. It's also very good for refining the difference between your point of view and the host's.
Michelle Wolf /
Point Of View
Refining
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Twitter is a good medium to lean how to write jokes. It pushes you to write a better joke in that, on Twitter, the first joke about something has already happened. You need to think of the second joke and the third joke.
Michelle Wolf /
Lean
Medium
Pushes
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I straighten my hair very few times throughout the year, and it's only in the cold winter months because it's the only time my hair will stay straight. If there is, like, a tiny bit of humidity in the air, it's curly again.
Michelle Wolf /
Humidity
Only Time
Tiny
Winter
Curly
Straighten
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Honestly, I never really thought I'd be a comedian. But I did take an aptitude test in seventh grade - and this is 100 percent true - I took an aptitude test in seventh grade, and it said in my best profession was a clown or a mime.
Michelle Wolf /
Aptitude
Clown
Comedian
Mime
Profession
Grade
Seventh
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I'm very quiet off stage. I think I'm a pretty boring person. I'm not super talkative; I spend a lot of my time running and zoning out. I spend so much time trying to write jokes and 'be on,' so when I'm finally off stage, I just want to sit.
Michelle Wolf /
Running
My Time
Quiet
Stage
Talkative
Pretty
Finally
Off
Spend
Sit
So Much Time
Super
Zoning
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The thing that's frustrating about improv is that even if you have the best show in the world, it's over when it's over. You get to build stand-up - I really like that aspect of it. I like writing jokes, and you don't get to do that in improv.
Michelle Wolf /
Aspect
Frustrating
Improv
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I got a third-degree ankle sprain practicing long jump. I never fully recovered. That was my first heartbreak. I thought track was going to be something that was going to happen in my life. It never went in the direction I wanted it to, no matter how hard I tried.
Michelle Wolf /
Heartbreak
Life Long My Life
Ankle
Jump
Recovered
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Comedy, in my opinion, is best when it's in the gray, and you're kind of pushing people's thoughts that they sort of had but never vocalized. And I think a joke is not good if someone says something, and immediately people are clapping because they're like, 'Yes! That is how I feel as well!'
Michelle Wolf /
Pushing
In My Opinion
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Michelle Wolf Quotes - Page 1

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