Quotes by Mike Birbiglia - Page 5

Someone stole my wallet last week. The guy called me up and he was mad at me. He was like 'you gotta get your finances together. You got no cash, your credit cards are maxed out. You don't even have minutes on your calling card. I had to use my card to call you.'
Mike Birbiglia / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Mad
Copy Quote
When you're in a relationship with someone who's selfish, what keeps you in it is the fact that when they shine on you, it's this souped-up shine. And you feel like you're in the club. And you don't even know what club it is. You just know you want to stay in it.
Mike Birbiglia / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Selfish
Copy Quote
You get to the end of something, you're laughing, you're like, 'That's funny, and that's funny,' and then you get to the end, and the credits come down, and you're like, 'That's it?! That's the whole thing?! You had me here for that?!' I just don't want to do that.
Mike Birbiglia / Comedian
Credits
Copy Quote
I've actually always wanted to write like a one-person show that was sort of a romantic comedy - a show that was kind of cynical about romance and marriage but ultimately embraced it. Because I feel like comedy is always cynical, inherently, because it's contrarian.
Mike Birbiglia / Comedian
Cynical
Romance
Embraced
Inherently
Romantic Comedy
Ultimately
Copy Quote
Random people, celebrities of note come to your shows over the years, and I've had some really strange ones. Like the guy from Kiss. Gene Simmons has literally been in the audience at my shows, like, four times. I don't know if he knows me; he's just a big fan of comedy.
Mike Birbiglia / Comedian
Big Fan
Me Random People
Celebrities
Gene
Note
Copy Quote
I think the reason why I'm so alluring to networks is because on the surface I'm like a quintessential relatable, boring white guy. A great many sitcoms have been anchored by a boring white guy, so I feel like what they want to mine from me are my more generic qualities.
Mike Birbiglia / Comedian
Quality
Guy
Thinking
White
Copy Quote
I listened to this interview once with Jerry Seinfeld that really influenced my comedy and all of my writing, which is that when you're starting out in comedy, it's the audience that tells you what's funny about you. And you need to listen to that and make a note of that.
Mike Birbiglia / Comedian
Funny
Audience
Comedy
Jerry
Starting
Writing
Influenced
Interview
Listened
Note
Seinfeld
Tells
Copy Quote
The way I view comedy clubs is, people are drinking, they're ordering food, they're out for the night, and there's also a person onstage talking. And with the theater, they came to the theater, and they're waiting to hear what you say. So you'd better have something to say.
Mike Birbiglia / Comedian
Clubs
Drinking
Waiting
Onstage
Ordering
Copy Quote
Someone said to me at a party once, 'Oh, yeah, you're a comedian? Then how come you're not funny now?' And I just wanted to say, 'Well, I'm just going to take this conversation we're having and then repeat that to strangers, and then that's the joke. You're the joke later.'
Mike Birbiglia / Comedian
Funny
Conversation
Party
Said
Wanted
Yeah
Now
Come
Then
Oh
Take
Joke
Say
Having
Later
Oh Yeah
Well
Repeat
Strangers
Copy Quote
...And so we go and I meet his parents. And it's a very strange thing meeting your girlfriend's boyfriend's parents for the first time. Part of you is angry for obvious reasons and part of you still wants to make a good impression. On a side note, they seemed in perfect health.
Mike Birbiglia / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Girlfriend
Copy Quote
You've got to remember that improvisers are writers and actors and directors all simultaneously. That's what's happening in real time because you're writing on your feet, and you are acting out the words and you are directing what the staging is. You're deciding what staging is.
Mike Birbiglia / Comedian
Feet
Real
Writing
Copy Quote
I would be so mad if I saw something called a memoir, and then it was Mike Birbiglia. It would be so infuriating. It's like, 'Who is this guy, and why does he have a memoir?' David Letterman could write a memoir. Joan Rivers could. I'm just a nobody. I'm a comedian and a writer.
Mike Birbiglia / Comedian
Comedian
Infuriating
Letterman
Memoir
Mike
Rivers
David
David Letterman
Joan
Copy Quote
Once you've made your first feature, you know what you can do wrong and how hard it is to shoot a feature. Before you do it, you just don't know how hard it is. Once you've done it, when you're writing a second one, it's almost like you're preparing, and it's almost holding you back.
Mike Birbiglia / Comedian
Preparing
Feature
Holding
Second
Copy Quote
I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn't be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article "Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I'm So Drunk."
Mike Birbiglia / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Holiday
Copy Quote
Elia Kazan. He wrote my favorite book about filmmaking, 'Elia Kazan: On Directing.' There is a thing in the book that I do every time, it's part of my production structure. He said when you're hiring an actor, ask them what draws them to the project, and don't lead them to the answer.
Mike Birbiglia / Comedian
Actors
Answers
Book
Copy Quote
As a comedian, you want people to like you. That's part of why you're there in the first place: You have this unquenchable need to be liked, and then when you divert from that and take a chance at doing something that has moments of fierce unlikeability, you can hit some real low points.
Mike Birbiglia / Comedian
Comedian
Moments
Take A Chance
Hit
Liked
Divert
First Place
Low
Copy Quote
It's a difficult line to tread, where sometimes you go to the movies or you watch someone do publicity for movies or TV shows, and they do all the jokes that are good in the promotion of it, and you see the movie, and you're like, 'I kind of get it already. I'm not that psyched about it.'
Mike Birbiglia / Comedian
Movie
Difficult
Promotion
Publicity
Tv Shows
Tv
Watch
Line
Psyched
Tread
Copy Quote
I think that my regrets mostly have to do with my relationship with my ex-girlfriend. Every once in a while, you get those flashback memories of conversations you had with your exes, and you just, like, wince when you're walking down the street. Something occurs to you, 'Oh, no, I said that.'
Mike Birbiglia / Comedian
Flashback
Memories
Wince
Oh
Conversations
Street
Mostly
Regrets
Occurs
Copy Quote
Directing your first film is like showing up to the field trip in seventh grade, getting on the bus, and making an announcement, 'So today I'm driving the bus.' And everybody's like, 'What?' And you're like, 'I'm gonna drive the bus.' And they're like, 'But you don't know how to drive the bus.'
Mike Birbiglia / Comedian
Bus
Driving
Showing Up
Announcement
Directing
Grade
Seventh
Showing
Trip
Copy Quote
I'm a whitebread cracker. That's my favorite white person slur: "whitebread". The other day, someone came up to me and said, "What's up, whitebread?" And I was like, "That's not even an insult. That's just my race plus a food. I can do that, too, black bean soup! Stay out of this, Asian chicken platter!"
Mike Birbiglia / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Race
Copy Quote
I think our culture views success as visibility, being seen as being successful. Whereas I've learned that success is rooted in helping and connecting to other people, and knowing where you can contribute. I've kind of spent my thirties doing that, because in my twenties I was seeking any kind of success.
Mike Birbiglia / Comedian
Successful
Thinking
Views
Copy Quote
Growing up, I was discouraged from telling personal stories. My dad often used the phrase 'Don't tell anyone.' But not about creepy things. I don't want to lead you down the wrong path. It would be about insignificant things. Like, I wouldn't make the soccer team, and my father would say, 'Don't tell anyone.'
Mike Birbiglia / Comedian
Creepy
Discouraged
Insignificant
Soccer
Phrase
Copy Quote
You don't really see sleepwalking in films that often. It's weird; I feel like in popular culture we have the perception of sitcom, arms-in-front-of-your-body sleepwalking, and then maybe Olive Oil and Popeye when she sleepwalks through the construction site. But it's all very cartoonish, in some cases literally.
Mike Birbiglia / Comedian
Construction
Oil
Olive Oil
Perception
Popeye
Popular Culture
Sitcom
Cartoonish
Olive
Copy Quote
I was completely unqualified to get into Harvard. But then I went to my interview for Harvard, and the woman asked, 'Why do you want to go here?' And I took out all of my comedy writing samples that I had done. I couldn't have been more delusional in terms of what I thought they wanted in a candidate for college.
Mike Birbiglia / Comedian
Delusional
Harvard
Unqualified
Candidate
Interview
Samples
Copy Quote
I was a screenwriting major in college, and really wanted to do that after I graduated, but there are no job listings for that, as we all know. I had many classmates that made it in the business, but stand-up comedy was my way in, and my first film 'Sleepwalk with Me' was based on those autobiographical experiences.
Mike Birbiglia / Comedian
Jobs
College
Way
Copy Quote
Directing a movie is a little bit like being back in student government and putting on the homecoming dance. You're like, 'You put up the streamers, and you hire the DJ, and you get the punch bowl.' Some people are just like, 'This dance sucks.' And you're like, 'No no, this dance is awesome!' You have to be really positive.
Mike Birbiglia / Comedian
Dance
Homecoming
Little Bit
Awesome
Bowl
Directing
Student
Hire
Punch
Putting
Some People
Copy Quote
My first car was, as depicted in 'Sleepwalk with Me,' my mother's '92 Volvo station wagon that had 80,000 miles on it, and I had put 40,000 miles on it, so by the time it retired it had 120,000, and I basically killed it. It served me well, and my mechanic was always very angry with me because I just didn't properly care for it.
Mike Birbiglia / Comedian
Angry
Mechanic
Miles
Retired
Time Car Always
By The Time
Depicted
Properly
Served
Wagon
Copy Quote
In my twenties, I thought it was getting a sitcom. Then I got a sitcom pilot in my early thirties, and realized I didn't want it. It was a rude awakening. When it wasn't picked up, I was crushed, but then in retrospect I've made two films and produced three one-man shows since then. It's the luckiest thing that happened in my life.
Mike Birbiglia / Comedian
Men
Rude
Two
Copy Quote
In terms of comedy, there was a Seinfeldian era of comedy that I love but got played out. Seinfeld was great, but then after him it was people acting like Seinfeld and making observations that we felt like we'd kind of heard before, and then you're seeing Seinfeldian comedy in commercials. Suddenly everything is observational funniness.
Mike Birbiglia / Comedian
Love Great People
Commercials
Observational
Seinfeld
Suddenly
Copy Quote
Media is so weird; everything is so accessible now. It used to be this thing where, if you did something on 'This American Life,' this predates me, but when David Sedaris did it, for example, it would just play, people who heard it heard it, and then the book would come out a year later, and people would be like, 'Ahh, I kind of remember that.'
Mike Birbiglia / Comedian
American Life
Life Me Weird
Accessible
Life Me Remember
David
For Example
Year Later
Copy Quote
Sometimes when my fans come up to me, they think it's going to be entertaining, like I'm going to tell jokes or do bits, and then instead of that I end up talking about really mundane things with my fans, and then they're kind of like, "This is boring. I want to go talk to somebody else." I think I bore my fans to death by over-talking to them.
Mike Birbiglia / Comedian
Fans
Talking
Thinking
Copy Quote
When I was in college my improvisation troupe and I did a road trip to Chicago, and went to The Second City to see the classic 'Paradigm Lost' revue - with Tina Fey, Rachel Dratch, Scott Adsit and Kevin Dorff. It blew my mind, and proved to me you can do sketch comedy like you're doing 'Long Day's Journey into Night.' We could treat it like theater.
Mike Birbiglia / Comedian
Journey
Cities
College
Night
Copy Quote
My friends drink everywhere. They even drink at the laundromat. I tried drinking at the laundromat, and I thought I was in a submarine, navigating the Sea of White Panties with my Spanish-speaking crew. I was like, "Mrs. Sanchez, set the coordinates to Permanent Press! Give me some quarters and another drink! This place is starting to look like a laundromat."
Mike Birbiglia / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Drinking
Copy Quote
You're always on duty because you're in a constant state of observation. That's one of the challenges of being a comedian. I think one of the other challenges is that, whether we like it or not, it's a profession that requires failure. It doesn't just encourage failure. It requires it because it's all trial and error. You need to know what doesn't work to know what works.
Mike Birbiglia / Comedian
Challenges
Comedian
Thinking
Copy Quote
When I'm taking the subway to my improv shows I will be writing in my notebook different actions that I see people doing on the train whether it's eating yogurt or looking at where their stop is, or tripping or holding a baby. It's not preparing scenes and ideas as much as it is stoking your brain to think observantly. Just to place observations in your head, so that they are available somewhere.
Mike Birbiglia / Comedian
Notebook
Baby
Thinking
Writing
Copy Quote
My writing process is very feedback based - I listen to the audience. I try to understand what's connecting, what's not connecting... and then rewrite, and rewrite, and rewrite. Chris Gethard and I have been on the road a lot together. When we get on the bus at night, we talk about the jokes that didn't work and the joke possibilities that could work. I think this is a little different from other writers.
Mike Birbiglia / Comedian
Night
Thinking
Writing
Copy Quote
I think if anything, the fact that it's popular right now makes me go: "Well, I guess I'm going to start doing something else then in the next few years." I dunno, it almost feels hackneyed at this point. To start a premise by saying, "I did this awkward thing." But then again, awkwardness and feeling alienated are always going to be a part of comedy. Alienation, I suppose, can't be hackneyed because it will always exist.
Mike Birbiglia / Comedian
Awkward
Feelings
Thinking
Copy Quote
I feel like people have more in common than the news reports. People getting along doesn't sell very well in the news. I find that to be deeply depressing. I don't even talk about it on stage, because it would take too long to explain. I'd have to spend an hour on it to get people to understand what I'm saying because it's so instantly polarizing. Because cable news has kind of set up a construct where you're for or against something immediately. So if I said something about it, people would be for or against me immediately. And I don't want that.
Mike Birbiglia / Comedian
Depressing
Long
People
Copy Quote

Related Comedian Authors

Steven Wright
Comedian
Tuesday, Dec 06, 1955
Rodney Dangerfield
Comedian
Tuesday, Nov 22, 1921
Tuesday, Oct 05, 2004
Zach Anner
Comedian
Saturday, Nov 17, 1984
Yakov Smirnoff
Comedian
Wednesday, Jan 24, 1951
Winston Spear
Comedian
Will Ferrell
Comedian
Sunday, Jul 16, 1967
Will Durst
Comedian
Tuesday, Mar 18, 1952
Wil Anderson
Comedian
Thursday, Jan 31, 1974
Whoopi Goldberg
Comedian
Sunday, Nov 13, 1955
Whitney Cummings
Comedian
Saturday, Sep 04, 1982
Wendy Liebman
Comedian
Monday, Feb 27, 1961
Warren Hutcherson
Comedian
Thursday, Oct 31, 1963
Wanda Sykes
Comedian
Saturday, Mar 07, 1964
Wally Cox
Comedian
Saturday, Dec 06, 1924
Thursday, Feb 15, 1973
W. C. Fields
Comedian
Thursday, Jan 29, 1880
Wednesday, Dec 25, 1946

View All Comedian Quotes

Top Authors

Les Brown
Author
Saturday, Feb 17, 1945
Paulo Coelho
Lyricist
Sunday, Aug 24, 1947
Steve Jobs
Entrepreneur
Thursday, Feb 24, 1955
Wednesday, Oct 05, 2011
Dwight D. Eisenhower
34Th U.s. President
Tuesday, Oct 14, 1890
Friday, Mar 28, 1969
Robin Williams
Actor
Saturday, Jul 21, 1951
Monday, Aug 11, 2014
Pope Francis
Thursday, Dec 17, 1936
Aldous Huxley
Writer
Thursday, Jul 26, 1894
Friday, Nov 22, 1963
John Locke
Philosopher
Sunday, Aug 29, 1632
Tuesday, Oct 28, 1704
Marcus Tullius Cicero
Philosopher
Leonardo Da Vinci
Painter
Thursday, Apr 15, 1452
Friday, May 02, 1519
John F. Kennedy
35Th U.s. President
Tuesday, May 29, 1917
Friday, Nov 22, 1963
Voltaire
Writer
Sunday, Nov 21, 1694
Saturday, May 30, 1778
Martin Luther
Monk
Saturday, Nov 10, 1483
Monday, Feb 18, 1546
Charles Spurgeon
Preacher
Thursday, Jun 19, 1834
Sunday, Jan 31, 1892
Walt Disney
Animator
Thursday, Dec 05, 1901
Thursday, Dec 15, 1966

View All Authors

Mike Birbiglia Quotes - Page 5

Picture Quotes Maker

Related Comedian Authors

Popular Topic Tags

Top Authors

Share This Page

Stay Connected

Picture Quotes Maker

Related Comedian Authors

Popular Topic Tags

Top Authors

Share This Page