Patton Oswalt Quotes

Grid View List View
Quote of the Day Picture Quotes Top 100 Inspirational Quotes Top 100 Love Quotes Top 100 Happiness Quotes
Thomas Sowell Tyler, The Creator Khalil Gibran Sun Tzu Epictetus Mahatma Gandhi Napoleon Hill Ruth Bader Ginsburg Donald Trump Vince Lombardi
Saint Patrick's Day Teacher Success Experience Fitness Time Memorial Day Family Education Health
  • Comedian
  • born 1969
  • 138 quotes

Patton Oswalt, a comedian (born 1969), is quoted 138 times on QuoteForever. The subjects that come up most often are People, Hate, Comedy and Method.

Quotes with a ready-made image come first, then the rest in order of how often they are read and shared. Open any quote to copy it, share it, or turn it into a picture quote.

I hate all sidekicks.

Knowing comedy is knowing human nature.

I'm not familiar with the metric system.

I have to drink this much to be as unfunny as you.

I like to write, I like to do stand-up, I like to act.

It’s the method of consumption, not what’s on the plate.

Meal isn't over when I'm full. Meal's over when I hate myself.

Zombies can't believe the energy we waste on nonfood pursuits.

Is it bad when you refer to all alcohol as "Pain Go Bye-Bye Juice"?

I think right now is the best time for stand-up, ever. I sincerely do.

In my mind, I was always a comedian who was going to branch into writing.

As unhealthy as I am, I'm weirdly aware of exactly how my body functions.

You just do as many shows as you can to hone what it is you're working on.

I'm always trying out new stuff onstage. That's where I do all my writing.

If you hit a midget on the head with a stick, he turns into 40 gold coins.

It's like our country is being run by a bunch of bad alcoholic dads right now.

I fantasize and idealize myself as Bugs Bunny, but I know deep down I'm Daffy Duck.

I can't say that I ever abided nerd stereotypes: I was never alone or felt outcast.

Cheap liquor is a magic potion that can turn you into a puppet cowboy before it kills you.

I'm so beyond genre, drama, comedies, I just want to do really good, interesting projects.

Any comedian who tells you how dark and dangerous they are, they're not dark and dangerous.

Even if you're popular, there are times when you just feel like you're not a part of things.

I grew up in such a featureless, personality-less suburb. There was nothing to push against.

George Bush is not stupid. He's evil. OK? There's a huge difference between stupid and evil.

We need conservatives that can accept gays, and then we need hippies that can shave and bathe.

I had a romance novel inside me, but I paid three sailors to beat it out if me with steel pipes.

We would not be here if humanity were inherently evil. We'd have eaten ourselves alive long ago.

To get asked to do stuff like 'United States Of Tara' and 'Caprica' is terrific. I can't complain.

If Kevin James or Paul Giamatti drop weight, I'm done. I don't want to be the last pudge out there.

When you put an album out, you can't do any material from the album if people are paying to see you.

People will find transformation and transcendence in a McDonald's hash brown if it's all they've got.

I remember, when 9/11 went down, my reaction was, 'Well, I've had it with humanity.' But I was wrong.

I love the beginning of Magnolia, the thing about the dealer. That scene is genius. Brilliantly acted.

You have to be ruthless with yourself, in terms of being honest about what is working and what is not.

Knock on wood, my groupies tend to be very artistic, creative people - sometimes way more creative than I am.

I never said that movies were struggling behind TV. I'm just saying that movies have a better creative cache.

I identify myself as a stand-up first. Even though lately there's been an explosion of acting on my schedule.

The Kentucky Fried Chicken corporation made a bobble head of me and sent it to my management. No card, nothing.

Having enough money has to go hand in hand with living in a way that you're not being a slave to your possessions.

As much as I know people love the method and what you can draw out of yourself, a lot of acting is very imaginative.

If you play comedic scenes like they're really serious, then it's so much more funny than if you're going for a laugh.

If the victories we create in our heads were let loose on reality, the world we know would drown in blazing happiness.

Stand-up is something I just truly love to do, so I'll always go back to it. I'll never stop doing it, that's for sure.

I have a very tiny house in Burbank. I drive an 8-year-old car. I'm gonna drive it into the ground. I enjoy what I enjoy.

Doing 'Young Adult' was really reassuring to me in a lot of ways. It confirmed a lot of suspicions I had about great actors.

90% of every art form is garbage - dance and stand-up, painting and music. Focus on the 10% that's good, suck it up, and drive on.

Even if it's other people, like on MySpace pages, we're just as collective of enthusiasts now. That seems to be the world we're in.

Just think of yourself as starting from zero every time. That's what I do with every new role. I'm at zero, and I'm going to do the work.

Every zombie story is fundamentally about a breakdown of order, with the infrastructure intact. That infrastructure might be on fire, yes.

I've gotten very cynical and kind of anhedonic about all the things I have to do to get to do comedy: all the travel, hotels, and airports.

Patton Oswalt is quoted on

Share This Page