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Phyllis Diller Quotes - Page 3

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What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Phyllis Diller / Comedienne
Christmas
Jobs
Smile
Xmas
Clever
Next
Office
Like
Job
Looking
Day
Parties
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
Phyllis Diller / Comedienne
Inspirational
Left
Mother
Mother In Law
Pain
Beneath
Trick
Her
Turned
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This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.
Phyllis Diller / Comedienne
Inspirational
Moving
Tennis
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My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.
Phyllis Diller / Comedienne
Car
Ankles
Sex
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If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
Phyllis Diller / Comedienne
Inspirational
Baseball
Memorable
Millionaire
Looked
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The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
Phyllis Diller / Comedienne
Laughing
Pro
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It's a certain kind of immortality, because those Disney films do go on and on and on.
Phyllis Diller / Comedienne
Film
Goes On
Kind
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I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate.
Phyllis Diller / Comedienne
Inspirational
Central Park
Night
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There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.
Phyllis Diller / Comedienne
Inspirational
Cupcakes
Rooms
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Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!
Phyllis Diller / Comedienne
Absolutely Nothing
Lakes
Placid
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
Phyllis Diller / Comedienne
Christmas
Smile
Xmas
Past
Santa
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
Phyllis Diller / Comedienne
Body
Doctors
Reincarnation
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
Phyllis Diller / Comedienne
Marriage
Common
Husband
Married
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I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
Phyllis Diller / Comedienne
Food
Grass
Hours
Milk
Three
Waiter
Asked
Fresh
Lady
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I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.
Phyllis Diller / Comedienne
War
Fighting
Parent
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I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.
Phyllis Diller / Comedienne
Inspirational
Morning
Baby
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Phyllis Diller / Comedienne
Parenting
Home
Mom
Funny Inspirational
Nice
Witty
Always Your Will
Home Always Your
Be Nice
Choose
Rest
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
Phyllis Diller / Comedienne
Advice
Bottles
Children
Bottle
Follow
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Phyllis Diller / Comedienne
Funny
Enjoyed
Gin
Humorous
Iron
Ironing Board
Only Time
Steam
Witty
Funny Time Day
Accidentally
Day
Ever
Got
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.
Phyllis Diller / Comedienne
Inspirational
Careers
Husband
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
Phyllis Diller / Comedienne
Argument
Cab
Comedy
New Yorkers
Three
Bank
Robbed
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My timing is so precise, a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in.
Phyllis Diller / Comedienne
Appointments
Hecklers
Timing
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I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
Phyllis Diller / Comedienne
Inspirational
Couple
Husband
Asked
Cheap
Short
Fang
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No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready.
Phyllis Diller / Comedienne
Guests
Matter
Ready
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Phyllis Diller / Comedienne
Funny
Family
Parenting
Mom
Children
Mother
Things
Then
Afford
Them
Move
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You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
Phyllis Diller / Comedienne
Alligators
Barefoot
Compliments You
Shoes
Alligator
Compliments
Old
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Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
Phyllis Diller / Comedienne
Doctors
Heart
Sex
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Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss; we touch gloves.
Phyllis Diller / Comedienne
Inspirational
Morning
Fighting
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?
Phyllis Diller / Comedienne
Men
Clothes
Doctors
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
Phyllis Diller / Comedienne
Inspirational
Football
Rams
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Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.
Phyllis Diller / Comedienne
Inspirational
House
Lying
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller / Comedienne
Anniversary
Birthday
Beauty
Inspirational
Smile
Age
Eyesight
Fades
Funny Love
May
Own
Whatever
Marry
Look
His
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Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.
Phyllis Diller / Comedienne
Home
People
Wall
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.
Phyllis Diller / Comedienne
Golf
Laughing
Real
Retirement
Head
Pro
Real Reason
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
Phyllis Diller / Comedienne
Giving
Husband
Want
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
Phyllis Diller / Comedienne
Children
Divorce
Father
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Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.
Phyllis Diller / Comedienne
Goldfish
Husband
Too Much
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When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my gown.
Phyllis Diller / Comedienne
Grease
Night
Snow
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I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.
Phyllis Diller / Comedienne
Cleaning
Use
Years
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[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.
Phyllis Diller / Comedienne
Age
Body
Two
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Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn't keep him awake - even when it's hot and being spilled on him.
Phyllis Diller / Comedienne
Funny
Coffee
Husband
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My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.
Phyllis Diller / Comedienne
House
Night
Wigs
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
Phyllis Diller / Comedienne
Lasts
Missing
Mouths
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My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
Phyllis Diller / Comedienne
Husband
Law
Mother
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The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Phyllis Diller / Comedienne
Football
Inspiration
Motivational Sports
Reason
Same
Public
Wear
Outfit
Play Football
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I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
Phyllis Diller / Comedienne
Me Better More
Totally
Instinctively
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
Phyllis Diller / Comedienne
Kids
Husband
Suicide
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... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
Phyllis Diller / Comedienne
Children
Dust
Writing
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
Phyllis Diller / Comedienne
Measurement
Phonograph
Records
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When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.
Phyllis Diller / Comedienne
Beauty
Emergencies
Use
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