Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Comedy is tragedy revisited.
self-pity is better than none.
All mothers are working mothers.
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
Never go to bed angry, stay up and fight.
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.
You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.
Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.
You want to look younger... rent smaller children.
You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.
The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.
If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.
I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.
It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
I never made `Who's Who,' but I'm featured in `What's That?'
My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.
For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.
[When to have a facelift:] If you're tripping over your neck.
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Think of me as a sex symbol for the men who don't give a damn.
I don't like to cook. I can make a TV dinner taste like radio.
Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour.