Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
There's conflict in every story.
I feel like I'd be good at 'Password.' Or 'Pyramid.'
That's the dating world. You just keep losing. Everyone does.
People who take more than 2 weeks to plan a wedding are pussies
If you text someone, and you just get an emoticon back, it's over.
It's more fun to write stuff when you know someone's going to nail it.
I worked at a McDonald's inside a Walmart. It wasn't even a real McDonald's.
If you believe in what you're doing, you should just do it. You'll keep getting better.
Most of my friends who got shows right away are still just doing shows, and they have no need to create.
Recording is just a lengthy process, so to have to record before every professional video, that's where a real time drain comes in.
The element of surprise - where you think you know where a joke is going, and then you're wrong. Those are my favorite kind of jokes.
Rich people are so eccentric, and I don't think people really realize. Especially by the turn of the century, they were living like rappers.
Sometimes I find myself in this super-raw place onstage where I'm like, 'Maybe that's not the best thing. Maybe I need to shut down a little.'
Beige curtains... there's nothing wrong with them. You're not like, 'Ew, gross! Beige curtains!' You just don't notice them either way. They're just, like, fine.
I think my parents wanted me to be whatever I wanted to be. But I do remember them - when I first moved out to L.A. - sending me applications to grad school for teaching.
I might have lost an acquaintance because of 'Pregnant Women Are Smug.' But we weren't close. Actually, I don't know if the woman knows the song is about her. I have a feeling she might.
The biggest trap that all performers and writers find is that when something really crazy, really bad happens, your mind immediately goes to, 'Can I write about this?' - which is good and bad.
The only autograph I ever got, which I do not have anymore, was Matthew Fox when he was on 'Party Of Five.' I was in high school, and he came to our local amusement park, and I stood in line and got an autograph.
If you're trying to be an actor, sometimes you get lucky, and you end up on 'The Office', but if you don't, and you know that you have something to say, it's really, really fortunate to be able to get to write and star in your own comedy.
Rich people are so eccentric, and I don't think people really realize. Especially by the turn of the century, they were living like rappers, and there was no income tax. They are some of the most fascinating people, and I am endlessly fascinated.