Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I am just at tragedy right now.
I'm the luckiest unlucky person.
I knew there was no Santa when I was, like, 5.
I'm not opposed to talking about airline food.
When I got sick, it threw everything off course.
I didn't know whether I'd be attractive to anybody.
I can't believe I'm breathing and happy and thriving.
I didn't know what my fate was as far as being alive.
My age makes all my wrinkles and gray hair make sense.
Everything's happened to me. Nothing can happen to me now.
Reminding myself that I have a tailbone keeps me in check.
Comedy was a secret want, but it wasn't anything I pursued.
In standup, you don't have anything near you except a microphone.
I feel like I am the most hopeful person you could possibly meet.
I'm not a religious person; I'm not even, like, a spiritual person.
I try not to look at my old stuff or my new stuff, really. I'm not a fan.
Stand-up is very broad strokes, kind of a skeleton of a story or something.
I talk about airplanes and things like that while my scars are on clear view.
Luckily, I'm not a gambler or a drinker or - you know, I get my fix of comedy.
I love devastating movies, documentaries and hummingbirds (yes, in that order).
I didn't have an interest in school at all and was getting in trouble all the time.
In movies, you just see somebody close their eyes, and you go on to the next scene.
I'm always going to do whatever I think is funniest. If something's dark, I'll do it.
When anything huge happens to me, I always think, this isn't my moment, this is a moment.
My mother was so stylish, but she never pushed that on me. She always thought I looked cool.
I was talking and playing pranks and skipping school, failing pretty much every class I took.
The ideal length of time for sex to last is the entire relationship, breaking only for snacks.
I can't waste more time worrying unless something surfaces that should legitimately cause fear.
I think every person and place is interesting, and there's an interesting story behind every door.
I worked at restaurants and coffee shops and babysitting and just whatever I could do to make money.
As a kid, I loved Paula Poundstone and Richard Pryor. But my mother was a huge influence on my comedy.
In the past, I played in bands, worked at coffee shops, babysat, and worked as a production assistant.
Even losing my mother, I wanted my mother. That's who you want instinctually when you're having a hard time.
Not many people have had as much bad luck as I have, but not many people have had as much good luck, either.
I'm fascinated by caddy Buddhists popping up all over Hollywood and people that take themselves too seriously.
The funny response to 'One Mississippi' continues to be that people don't know what is true and what's fiction.
I just absolutely adore Denver and the Boulder area. Having lived there several times, it feels like home to me.
When I couldn't get ahold of cigarettes, I'd roll coffee grounds into typing paper and smoke that and then vomit.
I think my brain just has a natural way of going to what would be the most insane thing, the least likely option.
Life can very genuinely and realistically pile things on. It doesn't dole out the heartache and pain, or joy, perfectly.
People complain about Hollywood comedians, but I feel like I selected a tremendous group, ones who aren't fame-obsessed.
I didn't just want to be the one who was always looking around at the weird family members. I wanted to make my mistakes.
There's something a lot more self-conscious feeling when there's cameras coming in for close-ups. It makes you very aware.
I don't thrive on misery myself. I mean, I've obviously created during a time of misery, but I also create from a place of joy.
It's not the child's responsibility to teach the parent who they are. It's the parent's responsibility to learn who the child is.
I definitely still like writing one-liners, but I also think that I've changed a lot in that I've allowed myself freedom to grow.
One of my favorite songs is 'Ghost' by Indigo Girls. Emily Saliers wrote that, and she is one of the most talented songwriters ever.
My favorite thing to wear from about first to third grade was a blue t-shirt with an iron-on monkey and the caption 'Here Comes Trouble.'
I'm always going to do whatever I think is funniest. If something's dark, I'll do it. If it's a sock puppet, if it's a stool, I'll do it.
I always wonder, aside from even my name, what if my parents never split up? What if my mother never died? It swirls in my head all the time.