Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I have a thing for tools.
I do a lot of family shows.
Comedy is the ultimate anarchist.
Man is the only animal to borrow tools.
Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.
I am a thespian trapped in a man's body.
Be wary of listening to stories secondhand.
I'm a very bad student, but a great learner.
Pere Noel. Babbo Natale. Pelznickel. Topo Gigio
I'm a creative guy, artistically with graphics.
If it ain't broke, you can probably still fix it.
But separate a man from his car - that's inhuman.
In marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship.
My comedy is not mine. It's a gift. I'm not that smart.
For years, I just did not like this idea of God, church.
Men aren't men until they can get to Sears by themselves.
I think women like Ferraris. A Ferrari is everybody's car.
I love doing logos. I've been a graphic artist all my life.
I have an only child. She's so independent and good with adults.
If it doesn't say Binford on it, somebody else probably made it.
If you don't decide where you're going, life will decide for you.
The ego is like a kid in the basement: It's best to keep him busy.
Jill : What causes sibling rivalry? Tim : Having more than one kid!
As the Chinese will tell you, history depends on your point of view.
I know it sounds odd, but I want to make a Rolex-quality screwdriver.
Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.
Anytime you work with animals, you begin to see more humanity in them.
My dad's death reminds me of earthquakes - things that shake your foundation.
I blend memories. I blend them into one that's funny. I exaggerate to clarify.
I'm sad for adults who want to be children. And children who want to be adults.
You don't know what people are really like until they're under a lot of stress.
A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.
My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
When somebody tells you they're not very smart, they're saying exactly the opposite.
Can we take a direct flight back to reality or do we have to change planes in Denver?
I'm actually more of a cat guy than a dog person because I travel so much. I love cats.
Being wealthy when no one else is, is like being the only one at the party with a drink.
Dogs will eat till they die. Cats will leave food in the dish, incomprehensible to a dog.
They say you only go around once, but with a muscle car you can go around two or three times.
I wonder if to stare into the face of God will drive me crazy. (I wonder who would blink first.)
To get a man's attention, just stand in front of the TV and don't move. He'll talk to you. I promise.
I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I've never gotten over it.
Sometimes you get the sense that the Creator is getting to that point of "Yeah, we might have to reboot."
Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
My stepfather stepped in where no man would've stepped in - six kids, five of them boys - and that's heroic.
Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you are tired and most of your balls are missing.
Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
Jill, we became parents so we could tell our kids what to do. Otherwise we're just the tallest people living here.
Real men don't use instructions, son. Besides, this is just the manufacturer's opinion on how to put this together.
Men often do things for women that they don't want to do, so that women will do things for men that they don't want to do.