Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose--to make people laugh.
The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
Indeed, moderation is my middle name (though I do not often use it in signing legal documents)
You can fool some of the people some of the time -- and that's enough to make a decent living.
No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.
I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.
Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness... I thought I'd lost it.
The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his .
Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart?
Try till you succeed...if you don't succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.
Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.
A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.
If I ever found a church that didn't believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it.
When asked to borrow money: "I'll see what my lawyer says. . . . And if he says yes, I'll get another lawyer.
I've been asked if I ever get the DTs. I don't know. It's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the DTs begin.
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words.
I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
Variant: I was driven to drink by a woman. I am forever grateful, yet I never had the good manners to thank her.
There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn't travel far to find a girl.
I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
Never eat at a place called 'Moms', but if the only other place in town has a sign that says 'Eats', go back to Moms.
The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.
I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.
I note the derogatory rumors concerning the use of alcoholic stimulants and lavish living. It is the penalty of greatness.
So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey.
I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives...But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax.
I like my films to influence the audience. Even if it means tripping their aged grandparents with a cane when they get home.
My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
I don't object to nine aces in one deck. But when a man lays down five aces in one hand... and besides, I know what I dealt him!
I write my scripts short and they develop on the set, which I have found a far better premise both economically and practically.
W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained.
A man who overindulges lives in a dream. He becomes conceited. He thinks the whole world revolves around him; and it usually does.
Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an axe.