Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I drink therefore I am.
I like children - fried.
I never met a kid I liked.
I'm looking for loopholes.
Ain't fit for man nor beast
I'm searching for loopholes.
Happiness means quiet nerves.
I never eat before breakfast.
You can't cheat an honest man.
I can do anything I want to do!
I must have a drink of breakfast.
Never give a sucker an even break.
Never work with animals or children.
The best thing to break is a contract.
I never drink water... fish f**k in it.
Ye Gads, no! I couldn't stand the noise.
Fields' reply: He'd think I was a sissy.
I would rather be living in Philadelphia.
If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
I like children. If they're properly cooked.
I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.
Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
I'd take a Bromo, but I can't stand the noise.
My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it?
I seldom took a drink on the set before 9 a.m.
When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.
I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach.
Buried my wife the other day. Had to, she died.
Thou shalt not steal-only from other comedians.
Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.
I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
A merry Christmas to all my friends except two.
Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
It is funnier to bend things than to break them.
Never mind what I told you - you do as I tell you.
If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.
The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.
I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine
I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
Smile first thing in the morning. Get it over with.
If a thing is worth having, it's worth cheating for.
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia
After two days in the hospital, I turn to the nurse.