Anyone should be very suspicious of a sentence he's written that can't be read aloud easily.

I've learned... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

We're all proud of making little mistakes. It gives us the feeling we don't make any big ones.

I've learned that under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

The teacher who knows the most about a subject isn't necessarily the one who can teach it best.

The only people who say worse things about politicians that reporters do are other politicians.

In spite of some bad experiences, I'm a firm believer in the trial and error method of learning.

When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper.

Creativity is a by-product of hard work. If I never have another really new idea, it won't matter.

People will generally accept facts as truth only if the facts agree with what they already believe.

I just wish we knew a little less about his urethra and a little more about his arms sales to Iran.

Half the cookbooks tell you how to cook the food and the other half tell you how to avoid eating it.

All economists should be locked up until they admit that they don't know what they're talking about.

You're almost always better off keeping your mouth shut, but don't let that stop you from popping off.

Those of us who don't have a party affiliation ought to be able to register under the heading "Confused.

In a conversation, keep in mind that you're more interested in what you have to say than anyone else is.

I've learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've learned... That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.

If you get murdered because you go on a date with someone you met on the Internet, you probably deserved it.

Ugly is very popular this year...I had a feeling these clothes were deigned by someone who didn't like women.

I've learned... That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

Uh, yeah, this is the VD clinic calling. Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.

I've learned... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

It's not so much that I write well, I just don't write badly very often and that passes for good on television.

I've learned... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.

I've learned that no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

I've done a lot of complaining here, but of all the things I've complained about, I can't complain about my life.

American closets are filled with once-worn clothes that got a bad review from a friend on their first appearance.

You're better off missing a bus or an airplane once in a while than you are getting there too early all the time.

A great many people do not have the right to their own opinion because they don't know what they are talking about.

The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books - how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook.

I've learned... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

It's best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it's requested, and when it's a life threatening situation.

Conservatives are more religious than liberals--although there is no evidence that they're nicer people because of it.

Never trust the food in a restaurant on top of the tallest building in town that spends a lot of time folding napkins.

Flying is always an unpleasant experience. You wait an hour for every ten minutes you actually spend getting anywhere.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

It's ridiculous for a country to get all worked up about a game—except the Super Bowl, of course. Now that's important.

The third rule of life is this: Everything you buy today is smaller, more expensive, and not as good as it was yesterday.

I've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you... More

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

I've learned... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

No matter what any of the grammar teachers say, punctuation is an arbitrary matter. It should be used to make sentences clear.

New ideas are one of the most overrated concepts of our time. Most of the important ideas that we live with aren't new at all.

It's paradoxical, that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone.

Everyone starts out being an atheist. No one is born with belief in anything. Infants are atheists until they are indoctrinated.

When you get older you have to be careful about always saying, "Things aren't as good as they used to be." But it's hard not to.

In the futile attempts we all make to tidy up our lives and our surroundings, nothing is more difficult than throwing out a book.

A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?". She doesn't care what you think.

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