Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Films and gaming are blurring together, and it makes for brilliant popcorn entertainment.
How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! ...no eight!
There we go, that's it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.
I don't think any comic could say there isn't a bit of them that doesn't want to show off.
Three women walk into a pub and say, `Hooray, we've colonised a male-dominated joke format'
The devil's in the detail and sometimes if you're thinking too big, you can miss the detail.
I'm a vegetarian, I'm not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they're nearly fish aren't they.
Add a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it.
My mother was a classic matriarchal figure. She'd sing round the house and always had music on.
But being in 'Doctor Who' is a dream come true. I've been a fan since I can remember watching TV.
But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"
I've always been envious of certainty, of people who always seemed to have a plan for their lives.
My grandfather had strong opinions. He was an argumentative character and quite staunchly socialist.
At school, I was bored with the teachers, and there were moments where I felt they were singling me out.
Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.
Marijuana? It's harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it
The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we're still alive, before we die.
As a young man, the temptation was to drink the minibar dry. I did all that - now I prefer to get outdoors.
There is something very poignant about plastic bags. These lonely plastic bags that gradually disintegrate.
Relaxed Empiricism -- I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.
"God save our gracious Queen": Why would we invoke a non-specific deity to bail out these unelected spongers?
If I'm a national treasure, does that mean I'm like the Elgin Marbles and will get repatriated at some point?
I said to my wife that if I had enough money I'd have my arms lengthened. Slightly longer arms would be great.
I discovered I'm 60 per cent Viking. Well, more Danish, I suppose. I'm also two-and-a-half per cent Neanderthal.
Live comedy's a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You're only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.
You have to go to Scotland at all times of the year - in order to appreciate the times when the sun does come out.
You spend a lot more time on your own as an only child. And there's space to allow your imagination to take flight.
As a comedian and satirist you have to be neutral, because everyone's fair game. Once you show bias, you lose that.
I think gaming has influenced popular culture in a huge way. It's worked its way into novels, and blockbuster movies.
I was always part of the end-of-term review at school. We would mercilessly mock any slight weakness in the teachers.
I met Amy Winehouse a few times and she was always funny, charming and self-deprecating - just a delight to be around.
The day after tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life - that way you've always got a couple of days in hand.
I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think 'Oh my God, I'm James Blunt, what have I done?'
Now, with the success of musical comedy like the Mighty Boosh, Flight of the Conchords and Bo Burnham, I feel vindicated.
I hate all those celebrity sculptures like Tussauds, where everyone is dressed in spangly suits and they are all smiling.
Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.
I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.
I once punched a bloke in the face for saying 'Hawk the Slayer' was rubbish, when what I should have said 'Dad, you're wrong.'
In Unity there is strength; We can move mountains when we're united and enjoy life - Without unity we are victims. Stay united.
Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.
Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.
I grew up in a little town between Bath and Bristol with my parents and grandparents in the same house. It was rural and idyllic.
If you have enough money to be comfortable it makes life a lot easier and that's undeniable. But I think happiness is more elusive.
I've started doing Bikram yoga. You're in a boiling hot room, bending over pretending to be a locust, you can't do that at the gym.
What I'd like to do now - well, what I'd like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.
If you become famous but haven't actually achieved anything, then your life has no real meaning - unless you're spectacularly shallow.
Fatherhood made everything more straightforward. I was relieved that no longer did I have to agonise over what meaning I had in my life.
Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.
My comedy comes from the actual music itself - they're observational musical gags. I could take the music away and it would just be some words.
Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, "Hullo, we're out of milk. I say mother, where's the milk?"