Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I'm a blue collar guy.
I used to hunt and fish.
I'm a big animal fanatic.
You can't climb a tile wall.
I've really got no complaints.
Europe has such an expansive history.
Remember: Greed is a bad color on a person.
You can't tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!
In syndication, the biggest buyers are car dealerships.
The human brain doesn't come with an instruction manual.
America loves to watch people growing and getting better.
I haven't been really nervous about a gig in a long time.
I don't have big time celebrity friends - I'm just a guy.
When the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door?
How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?
A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.
I have fun on stage, so people think maybe they should, too.
I was a dork hunter. That's hard to do. I fell out of a tree.
I know at least two people who have never been killed by hippos.
I always wanted to be an actor. I always wanted to be John Wayne.
I don't do politics, I don't do religion, I don't do ethnic jokes.
I've learned in my older age that sexy gets you further than brains.
The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.
I love stand up, but every year, the road takes a little more out of you.
Jay Leno told me once, 'Don't do jokes about things you don't know about.'
What I do is not regional comedy, and it is not based in the southern area.
Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.
I believe pain is nature's way of saying, 'You're still alive, and life sucks.'
I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.
I've never read a kayak manual, but I'm pretty sure page one says 'Use in water.'
I hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that just say, 'I'm stupid.'
Left to my own vices, all I would own is a Corvette, and it would be broken down.
I think you can ban guns if you can just pull the trigger and 60 bullets fire out.
If you watch the 'Blue Collar Tour,' I was probably the least redneck of everybody.
I eat fish, chicken, vegetables and other healthier foods. I do love a great steak.
I'd love to be a woman for one day of my life... God... I would be drunk with power.
I thought "RV" stood for "Recreational Vehicle." No! It stands for "Ruins Vacations."
There's a reason God didn't give me this success in my 20s, because I'd have blown it.
If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!
Now people live into their 90s and beyond. As long as I have quality of life, I'm good.
And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim!
I can't count the number of times I've been sound asleep, woke up, and I was doing my hair.
It's funny: people who meet me say, 'I thought you'd be different.' But I'm still the same guy.
I believe that the way to a man's heart is not through his stomach. It's a little further south.
I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process.
Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.
If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.
You know as well as I do that the family sitcom was the stalwart of TV for God knows how many decades.
I'm a California Angels fan because that's the first game my dad took me to see, and they stuck with me.
My favorite road trip ever is when my wife and I took an RV around the country. We just had the best time.