Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I'm from Texas. You would think my biggest draw would be in that state. But my biggest draw is Pennsylvania.
You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My Bad!".
I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people's heads.
You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.
Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.
I've about decided if it wasn't for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you're just hangin' out with your buddies.
I dream of acting with Kevin Costner. I would love to do a movie with him. Not something funny, but a dramatic role.
I love to laugh, and laughter is one of my favorite things. When you have a really good laugh, you feel great afterwards.
God was havin' himself a good day when he made boobs. He must've stepped back from Eve and said, Yes ma'am! Those'll work.
In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.
A lot of times you go to a concert, and when you leave, you don't know anything more about the act then when you got there.
I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don't wanna climb on that.
Just when I think the human race has been lost to the "what about me" people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.
No sooner my kids leave their friends than they start texting them. And it's all in code in a language I totally don't understand.
I come from a time when people like Bob Newhart and Bill Cosby told stories that were devastatingly funny without being off-color.
I like to hang on to cars. I'm not one of these guys that goes flipping cars all the time. If I find a car I like, I stick with it.
People are trying to figure out how to pay bills and make ends meet. They don't want to turn on the TV and say, 'What is this crap?'
To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.
That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men
Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.
My goal is for 'The Bill Engvall Show' to be a show the networks look at and say, 'Ooh, maybe we should get back to the family sitcom.'
My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties...welcome to my world.
If you're just a nice guy - you don't let people walk on you - but if you're just a nice guy and treat people right, good things happen.
Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It's a honey die list.
So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I'd feel if someone interrupted me.
Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth. That would be awesome.
My belief is that if we take away that right to bear arms, the only people that are going to have them are... the ones breaking into your house.
To be honest with you, I still eat whatever I want. It's all about portion control. I still love pizza, but instead of eating half, I eat a slice.
I have been passed over on some things because people didn't think I was edgy enough. But the people who took those gigs are gone now, and I am still here.
I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.
There's a lot of things I believe in this world. I believe in God, I believe in the United States of America, and I support and believe in the Second Amendment.
The one thing people like about my show is it's universal. Everybody can relate to it. I think people enjoy going to a show and saying, 'Something like that happened to me.'
I travel fairly lightly because you have to these days. I always take a laptop and an iPod so I can watch movies and listen to music. And my Gameboy. That's a good time-killer.
I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.
No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there's Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.
Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, "Hey... We don't hit". He looked at me like, "Here's your sign, Dad".
There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.
I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign.
I learned that you don't take dishes from the table to the dishwasher; you have to rinse them first. I think that's stupid because I don't go out in the back yard and hose off before taking a shower.
When you're doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can't get on TV. There's not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.
As we're staggering out of the hospital, I don't remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed "Hey! I'd better not see this on YouTube!"
Standup is a form of therapy. It is OK to tell problems to your audience as long as you are being honest and not boring them. I tell them that I am saving $75 an hour when I talk to them instead of a therapist.
I was sitting on a plane that is traveling towards Seattle. And the guy next to me turns and says to me Hey, you going to Seattle?. Nope, San Francisco... I'll be parachuting off in about an hour. Here's your sign!
I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff. Yeah. Some of you like that? Well... like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila. Did it!
I am out in public and using the phone. I am in a phone booth, got the phone in my hand and a man taps on the glass and says You using the phone? Nope, I'm superman, i am just looking for my costume. Here's your sign!
Because we've become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper. Just how rapidly are we talking? 'Cause I don't want to have to play Beat the Clock in the thicket.
I was always the Class Clown and over time became very good at it. I started doing comedy on stage at the Dallas Comedy Corner where I honed my skills by watching guys like Garry Shandling, Robin Williams, Jay Lena and more.
I told my wife I'm afraid to go back to the doctor because I'm afraid they're going to look at you and say: 'ma'am, just sell him for parts. It's like that old car that as soon as you fix one thing, something else goes out on it.
As my wife says, I'll never fully retire, but it'll start to slow down. I'll continue to do the local gigs or go to Las Vegas. But I won't be going out to Ohio to play an Indian casino anymore. Those will probably go by the wayside.
I came out of the mall one day, and a guy was standing there with a coat hanger in his window, and I couldn't stop myself. I asked the stupid question. 'You lock your keys in the car?' 'Nope, just washed it, gonna hang it up to dry.'