Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I say everything's about company. A gourmet meal with an asshole is a horrible meal. A hot dog with an interesting person is an amazing meal.
You're not famous unless people's mothers know who you are. Everybody else, you think you're famous, but you're just hot, and heat cools off.
Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I'm a professional funny guy.
Yeah, it's unfair that you can get judged by something you didn't do, but it's also unfair that you can inherit money that you didn't work for.
The thing about having an audience right there laughing is that critics can write what they want, but the proof is right there in front of you.
I've seen women who don't have great relationships with their dads, and it all comes down to this: You have to tell girls you love them every day.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
There's a difference between racism and "I don't know any better. I'm clueless." Racism is like, "I'm trying to make you feel bad." That's racism.
Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies... a man's lie is, "I'm at Tony house, I was at Kenny house!" A woman lie is like, "It's your baby!"
Is America ready for a black president? Well, I say we just had a retarded one. When did being black become a bigger deterrent than being retarded?
Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you're up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95.
I'm happy if everybody else is. I'm a big brother, the oldest. If you're happy and I'm not, I'm cool with that. If I'm happy and you're not, I'm sad.
I'm pretty good at getting over people throwing stuff at me. If you've been doing stand up long enough you know how to swing back and get the laughs.
A comedian has to live in his head. All this comedy comes from a lonely place. When you're surrounded by an entourage, you're not living in your head.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
I like talking about subjects that aren't funny in the first place and making them funny. So anything down and depressing is something I'll talk about.
That's a sure sign someone is going crazy - when he refers to himself in the third person, talks in low tones, and walks around wearing shades all day!
I met so many people after I got rich and famous, and I learned that you can't ultimately trust people unless they were your friends when you were broke.
They don't want you to vote. If they did, we wouldn't vote on a Tuesday. In November. You ever throw a party on a Tuesday? No. Because nobody would come.
Never go to clubs with metal detectors. Sure it feels safe inside. But what about all those niggas waiting outside with guns? They know you ain't got one.
They're working their way down. Next year, Todd Bridges gets the award. When I was a kid I wanted to be Eddie Murphy and now I'm a rip-off of Eddie Murphy.
I'll probably pay more attention to the musicians in the pit than the stars because they're the closest you're going to get to normal people in the audience.
Black comics, they only watch Black comedians. You're a comedian; you're not just a Black comedian. You're a comedian. I try to get that through to everybody.
I took my AlDS test. You start reflecting... You start thinking about every nasty, skank-ass... It's like the movie Scrooge, and the Ghost of Pussy Past comes.
I saw the yearbook picture. There was six of them! I ain't have six friends in high school, I don't have six friends now! That's three on three with a half court.
So, to say Barack Obama is progress is saying that he's the first black person that is qualified to be president. That's not black progress. That's white progress.
Anything I say about women, I try to make sure that at least five or six friends of mine are going through a similar situation. That way I'm not picking on my wife.
I think if I were to get as big as I could get, it does change your mind-state. I think like the little man. I think like the underdog. I don't want to change that.
If you wanna get away with murder, all you gotta do is shoot somebody in the head and put a demo tape in their pocket! 'This is a rap killing! Let's get outta here!'
I've been married for 10 years and, you know, it's hard, you spruce it up and you go places. How do you spruce up anything? Artificially. You go places and do things.
Guys play characters that won't grow up and something catastrophic happens and they have to grow up to save the day - that's pretty much what today's comedy is about.
If you're black, you got to look at America a little bit different. You got to look at America like the uncle who paid for you to go to college, but who molested you.
My goal in life was to host the MTV Awards, because it's the awards show that Prince sang on, and that was the awards show that Eddie Murphy hosted and Arsenio hosted.
When I started out in comedy, it was common knowledge that it took about 10 years to get good. And that was okay because it took you about 9 years to get on television.
Learn how to cook. Read books that will educate you. Get an education. Get a career. And support yourself. And live in a section of town that isn't conducive to violence.
Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.
An entertainer's reputation as a live act is the most valuable thing he or she can have. If people know you give good shows, you'll never be broke for the rest of your life.
When you die at 72, no matter what you die of, it's natural causes. Even if you get hit by a truck, it's natural causes. 'Cause if you was younger, you'd have got out the way!
I had always been - everybody kind of likes comedy. I was very interested in comedy, beyond just liking it. I had friends that took apart radios; I wanted to take apart jokes.
And even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you don't gotta go to no doctor to get it taken out, whoever shot you will take they bullet back! "I believe you have my property!"
I don't believe I can offend you in a comedy club. I don't believe I can offend you in a concert. A comedy club is a place where you work out material; you're trying material.
You know, you get famous and you work in these weird jobs and you don't have a lot in common with people. But once you have kids, you have everything in common with everybody.
I have no idea what my best material is. Different people like different things. I'll say this: The political stuff gets the press, but the relationship jokes sell all the seats.
There's no interference in stand-up. It's all the things it's hard to get in film: I get to have a wife, I get to have kids. I get to be sexual. I get to grow. I get to be a man.
I can see the humor in just about any situation. After I lost my dad, I realized that none of us should take things too seriously, because everything except death works itself out.
I know what you're thinking: why is Chris Rock bagging groceries? But I dropped out of high school in the tenth grade, so if I couldn't tell jokes this is exactly what I'd be doing.
Whoever you hate will end up in your family. You don't like gays? You're gonna have a gay son. You don't like Puerto Ricans? Your daughter's gonna come home with Livin' La Vida Loca!
When you're making a real documentary, you shoot it and the movie happens. You don't make - this sounds corny - you don't make a documentary, a documentary makes you. It really does.
The advantage that my children have is that my children are encountering the nicest white people that America has ever produced. Let’s hope America keeps producing nicer white people.
My dad worked every day. I didn't get into show business to work every day. So the fact that most days I get to like, spend really good time with my kids - that's what success is to me.