Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Canada, or as i call them, America Light.
I'm not an alcoholic. I just drink that way.
The thing is, I hate political comedy. I personally loathe it.
America may be entering it’s Michael Jordan on the Wizards period.
You rarely hear anyone use the word pancreas in a not-horrible context.
I think I speak for America when I say, nothing says NASCAR like Whoopi Goldberg.
Basically Britney Spears' video is like a three an a half minute version of Glitter.
Jesus is a powerful guy in Hollywood. Not quite as powerful as Vin Diesel, but powerful.
Some of you guys must have real jobs - office jobs. Anybody? By a show of broken spirits.
If you purchased the latest Joss Stone CD, what you're saying is that you're an employee of VH1.
I used to play bass for a while and got to the point where I was good enough to be in a shitty band.
I haven't had a drink in twelve days and I've gotta say, I'm pretty shocked at how boring people are.
Michael Jackson's charity efforts? Mmm. I'm sure they have nothing to do with his molestation charges.
Pimp stands for Positive Intellectual Motivated Person. It has nothing to do with selling sex for money.
I was told by a physician to avoid any line of work where people need to, um, depend on me for anything.
If you refuse to see Superman Returns this summer, what you're saying about yourself is: I heart Al Qaeda.
If think the pig was terrified because he was fully aware that after segment he was going to be fed to Al Roker.
Basically, I got into stand-up because I'm too egocentric to be an actor and not disciplined enough to be a writer.
There comes a point where the disappointments in your life accrue faster than you can find external forces to blame them on.
The thing is - I'm not an idiot. I'm rather intelligent, as proven by the fact that I just used the word 'rather' in a sentence.
The Smurf village was destroyed weeks ago and Bush has still not made an appearance. George Bush doesn't care about tiny blue people.
Growing up as a comedian, the first thing you dream of is having your own album, but even more than that, I always wanted that hour special on cable.
People might say, What's so great about the Arctic Monkeys? I've never even seen them. Well, you've never seen God either. You're gonna tell me he's not awesome?
Relationships are a lot like yard sales. They look really fun from a couple hundred feet away, but eventually you realize it's just a bunch of crap you don't need.
I really respect peple who try. People who say, No, I'm actually going to do the best I can. That said, you want to do the best you can while remaining who you are.
It's my genius plan of avoiding any career momentum whatsoever. Definitely the pop-culture thing is something I've avoided in my act. It's just too transitory and ephemeral.
If the right opportunity came along, maybe, but I'm more focused on trying to create a TV show where I can be myself, rather than playing a wacky neighbor. Although, I would gladly play a wacky neighbor of any sort.
Do me a favor, guys. Don't drink so much that you become the guy that goes into the bathroom and moans while taking a leak. See, the women in the room, they might not know what we're talking about; every dude knows.
I'd like to think I'm a little more memorable or specific now. People laugh at me in a way they wouldn't laugh at another comedian, rather than being like, "Okay, who's the next joke-slinger? Give me some jokes so I may laugh and go about my day!"
If I could go back and talk to the me who was just starting to do comedy, I would have told myself to relax and not worry about things happening right away. That's a mistake a lot of people make - they think a year is a long time and it's really not.
Of course, the world is different now. There's a glut of comedians with specials, so it's just not possible to make an impact the way Bill Cosby: Himself did. It's like, The Beatles were amazing, but it also helped that not many bands were putting out albums then.
I hope that if I ever disappear, people don't look for me based on the last websites I visited. Kind of an awkward press conference for my parents. Officer, do you have any leads? Well, based on Mr. Finnegan's computer entries, we think he was abducted by Sorority Sluts.
You know what I'm great at? Trivial Pursuit. What good is that gonna do you in life? It has the word 'trivial' in the name. The game is basically telling you that you pursue trivial things. Trivial - as in not important. Trivial - as in maybe you should've gone to grad school.
I joined a gym recently. I don't have the best history in the world of sticking with my fitness regimens, but I feel like this time's gonna be different. I figure one of two things is gonna happen: either I'll get into shape, or I'll just resign myself to paying an $85 a month fat tax.
There's something so awesome about being able to get up in front of a microphone and do exactly what you want. Stand-up is as close as you're ever going to get to being 100 percent in control of a situation artistically, and I don't understand why people wouldn't want to keep doing that.
There are two kinds of intelligence in this world. People who are Monopoly smart and people who are Trivial Pursuit smart... If you're starting your own business, don't even talk to me. But If you need to know who the lead singer of Kajagoogoo is, I'm your guy. His name is Limahl, by the way.
I'm working on something a little different. It's a technique I call, 'tantric abstinence.' Now, the way this works is I meet a woman, I charm the heck out of her, and then right as she's considering sleeping with me, I say something so awkward that she leaves and I have to start over again with another woman entirely.
What is the point of a car alarm if it doesn't get people out of their beds to come help you? So if I ever have a car alarm - if I ever have a car - it's just going to be a big speaker on the back of my car. And when anybody tries to break in, it's just gonna go: Attention! Free bags of weed! Come get your free bags of weed!
I had no choice but to make me as a comedian, because I am not particularly gifted with a lot of marketable skills. Unless I really want to spend the rest of my life temping, or teaching drama to third-graders, I don't have a lot of other options - which is freeing, in a way. I never have to say, "Well, I could always go back to law school."
I've always prided myself on being able to perform in the "alt-comedy" zone, but also being able to do comedy for people who aren't media-saturated, and maybe don't have the latest Dan Deacon album. I probably won't be the most popular guy at Zanies in Nashville, and I'll never be the coolest dude at Largo, but I like that I can swim in both those waters.
What people really want is not to make something funny, but to make something amusing - which, in many ways, is the opposite of funny. To amuse someone is to eliminate discomfort and awkwardness, kind of like a massage for the brain, while to be funny is to point out awkwardness and discomfort. Everyone thinks they want funny, but they really want amusement.
Do you guys remember that woman who disappeared a few years ago, Chandra Levy? Do you remember her? I found this fascinating. Apparently, the day she disappeared, she had gone on her computer, and the last website she ever visited was an online map of the park where her body was found. That's true. I just hope that if I ever disappear, people don't look for me based on the last websites I visited.
I certainly do believe that a lot of comedy comes from awkwardness and embarrassment - pointing out the ways things are uncomfortable. Definitely the stuff that interests me. I don't necessarily think that comedy comes from a dark place, like you have to be a strung-out heroin addict. But I don't think it comes from happiness, that's for sure. It comes from frustration and suppressed rage, and wishing the world were different.
My abject hatred of actors and the acting world. I went to college as an actor, and halfway through, I switched to playwriting and directing. Then I spent a couple years working in publishing, doing some freelance journalism for The Village Voice and Musician magazine. I thought my life was going to be as a writer, but then I realized I missed performing, so I got into comedy. It was a nice combination of things I was sort of good at. I was a pretty good writer and a decent actor, but I didn't really like acting, and I didn't have the discipline to be a writer.