Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I did stand-up comedy for seventeen years. I need to explore other things.
Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.
My fam is just a regular family. But all of them have great senses of humor.
Why do they call it the restroom? Is there anybody just resting in this room?
I'm shooting a pilot based on my show. It's a one-camera show. I play myself.
I love singing along to the radio while I'm riding in the back of a squad car.
The little boy inside of all us men always loves something video game related.
It's an incredible feeling falling in love someone who doesn't know you exist.
I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.
I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.
I found someones passport on the ground tonight. Where do you sell these things?
My professional dreams were coming true while I was living a personal nightmare.
Sometimes, when you want to make a difference in a person's life, stay out of it.
We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful shits.
Anger has a way of seeping into every other emotion and planting itself in there.
I grew up very self-loathing. I was a phobic. I had anxiety. I had panic attacks.
When you're not in love, when you don't have love, everybody you know falls in love.
I say God bless you... I don't say bless you... I'm not the Lord. I can't do that...
Even when I go to a salad bar, I need to feel like I'm one of the first people there.
I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.
My grandmother died of natural causes. Or as my family calls it murdered by the lord.
I've lived (in LA) for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't anymore.
When you swear to God, its true ... right now God is watching and saying, this is true.
In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak.
I don't like when juice wears tights, its a horrible combination when juice wears tights.
I had never done a roast, but I really wanted to, because it's so different from standup.
My favorite sexual position is when the girl is facing Mecca and I am fighting off a wolf.
What am I supposed to say to an atheist when he sneezes, ah, when you die nothing happens.
I'm fine, I am just going to go over here and puke shards of my own pelvis into this bush.
When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.
I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'
When somebody says I wouldn't change a thing they're thinking of something they would change.
You know you're lazy when you run out of toilet paper and use the cardboard roll to wipe with.
When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.
Teach your kids to make deplorable choices and hopefully they'll rebel and make the right ones.
There will be a guy in a yellow poncho, his name is Hank, he will take you to the whopper lair.
I like fearless characters, people just not afraid to do anything it takes to make people laugh.
Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes.
It's hard to be happy for someone when you know deep down they'd kill you if they had the chance.
I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.
True love is when you're cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!
You have to learn the crowd. I just pay attention to them so I can make sure I can make them laugh.
You know your girls up to no good when her and her friends make a pact to post nothing on Instagram.
I don't know if I could rebuild an airplane engine, but I know a little bit about rotors and rivets.
The key to attempting to create art in some aspect is also knowing that it will turn some people off.
I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.
If you lie to a person at least tell someone else you've lied to the truth. It balances out your karma.
Some people give you that motivation to work harder simply to get the hell away from wherever they are.
I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day. I make sure it's with an elderly person holding a baby.
I don't have to do anything for anyone else's benefit anymore. I just want to exceed my own expectations.