Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I'm a late-night guy.
I get so into the moment.
I won't take no for a question.
I would love to have acidy spit.
Are there glass shards in my anus?!
It really drives me banana sangwich.
I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.
You can't teach an old hater new truths.
I live my life like there's no yesterday.
My nickname for my mom was 'The Compass.'
There's estrogen running through my veins!
I'm not racist, I've got a black president.
What happens in Vegas, I'm telling everyone.
In the year 3000, everything will be instant.
We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments.
You've gotta share what's going on in your mind.
I'm really great in other peoples relationships.
Ma'am, are you trying to molest me via drivethru?
Nothing is a better icebreaker than a great joke.
I'm not giving up on life. I'm giving up on today.
I was being chased by a giant crab. That's not funny.
You need to open up your soul and have a weep-a-thon.
Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh.
I'm a deep thinker when it comes to shallow no brainers.
Quote/Unquote and you can quote me on the quote/unquote.
I love hecklers. They remind you that you are a comedian.
I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!
If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.
I feel like the gods have certainly patted me on the head.
I'm always going to be someone that people enjoy watching.
Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!
Hi, I'm a buck tooth and I like to be outside past the lips.
You can't become tempted if you just give in a little quicker.
I'm focused on staying as healthy as I can so I can work more.
I'm going to hell, ah... but you're laughing, so you're coming.
Why do bad guys in movies always love to whistle really slowly?
I have a new saying, what I see in Vegas, I am telling everybody.
There's always someone in every group of friends that nobody likes.
I don't like littering and I think it leads to terrorist activities.
Sometimes sex is just a way to escape having to talk to that person.
When you delete pictures of your ex off your phone, it feels lighter.
I'm bringing back the skinny tie but wearing it tied around my balls.
I was home educated but would skip my lessons to go hang out at school.
I think beating someone to death with a ukulele would just sound funny.
That MySpace is the story of the year. Everyone but my mother is on it.
People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.
Some people have constipation of the brain but their mouth has the runs.
I have new ideas every day, and I always want to take on new challenges.
Sometimes the only solution is figuring out a bigger problem to focus on.
I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.