Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I can't watch a woman play with herself - to me, it looks like a DJ working the turntables... DJ Diddles.
You are the director of your own life story. Don't cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act.
The problem with dating a model is they won't go out with you if your cars color doesn't match their outfit.
I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.
I'm sure that people who have been tweeting funny things have ended up on writing staffs of a late night show.
Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.
Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.
I have never even had a sip of alcohol, never have done drugs. The hardest thing I have ever done would be Pepsi.
Pain only hurts when you are looking for a reason to quit. You don't feel a thing when you know you can still win.
When I have a really hot date at a show, I definitely make it a point to use her name. The girls really love that.
It's amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves.
Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.
Someone needs to make a zombie movie where when you get bit it turns you into a singing and dancing extraordinaire.
Any guy that refers to dating women as the hunt or being on the prowl should be evaluated for a number of conditions.
Dear semi hot girl taking photos on a boat. It's not your boat so stop acting like you own it. You drive a used Civic.
They used to beat me up after Sunday School, I used to get beat up... yeah, that's a nice little thank you from Jesus.
I do think I am funny, or I wouldn't be where I am today. I do think there is always room for improvement and learning.
Nice teeth is a turn on for me. If you open your mouth and it looks like a battle of epic proportions, I don't like it.
You know your gut instincts are spot on about a person when you can also detect a water source in the soil beneath them.
I've been ignoring my feelings lately. That works pretty well. Might also settle for less this week, just to try it out.
I feel like people who don't brag are trying to make you jealous by thinking they're hiding something more even exciting.
I work with a lot of kids. Every year, for the past fifteen years, I work at Comedy Camp where I work with a lot of kids.
If you live far away from a person you no longer want to date just let them know that they are geographically undesirable.
I just get excited doing shows. Off stage I am actually very feeble and must be spoon-fed because my hands are too brittle.
I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the police station.
There was a girl I loved in high school - but never spoke to. Cut to my five-year reunion: I'm an entirely different person.
Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single & lonely then it's called Laundry Day.
I don't hate anyone. I simply block them out using hellish visions in a blind white rage. But if I see them out I'm pleasant.
I'm curious by individuals that embrace half a story so they can justify how incomplete they feel about their own self worth.
My mother had a lot of phobias. She's pregnant with me and she was a very phobic person. So I was born into phobia, basically.
You can easily tell if a person is lying and cheating on you if they say, I love you. I would never lie to you or cheat on you.
Some girls look beautiful with no makeup on at all. I call them lazy. Now go throw some war paint on you bleak empty canvas you.
It's the worst feeling when you come home alone late at night and think the stranger sitting on your couch is a pile of clothes.
How do you fall into a lion's den, that is my first question there, you think you would be extra carefull around a den of lions.
I always thought that if I got no love at all early in my standup career, or I was god awful, I thought I'd get into psychology.
I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50.
I've always read books and loved human behavior since I was ten or twelve years old. Maybe even that's why I wanted to do comedy.
I was very good at kickball ... I was wonderful at ah doing that kick and your leg goes up and your shoe went on top of the school
Drive, ego and cocksureness are all essential elements in terms of getting exactly what you want but losing everything you've got.
When I first hit the scene, it was just a lot of go, go, go, go, go. I have a lot of natural energy anyway, but it was over the top.
I'm completely ecstatic when a woman has own back story and brings something to the table and has a real strong kind of independence.
It's hard dealing with day to day disappointments and feeling like you can't find success. Especially when your best friend is Pixar.
You have to have a strong sense of humor to date me, and also know that you're probably going to be a part of the routine quite a bit.
Sometimes girls act all TNT Network because they know drama. That's when guys get all TBS around you because we think it's very funny.
It's not for any purpose such as religion, health, or things like that, I just never felt I had the need or want to drink or do drugs.
I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.
I have faith in all mankind. Well,not faith really, more like hopeful suspicion. And not "all" but 5 people. Mankind meaning computers.
Saw a lost dog sign with a pic of the dog and a little boy hugging it. I'm assuming the kids safe and we're just focusing on the pooch.
You can try to steal the thunder all you want, it just reminds people I'm the lightning. You rumble in the distance. I light up the sky.
Every great thing starts with an idea, followed by a doubt and finally a resolve to abandon or pursue. Victory is a treacherous journey.