Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
People think being in your seventies means sitting around in a chair with a blanket over your legs, drooling.
You know how a fighter always comes into the dressing room way before a fight? That's me - I'm like a fighter.
Whatever you do to gain success, you have to hang in there and hope good things happen. Always think positive.
Diana Krall I met in, I think it was Canada. She's a lovely lady. Her husband, Elvis Costello, is a great star.
Everything I've ever done in my whole career, people might not know, I've never written anything down on paper.
Eddie Fisher married to Elizabeth Taylor is like me trying to wash the Empire State Building with a bar of soap.
Frank Sinatra. Hey, Frank, I saw you in 'The Pride and Passion,' and I want to tell you the cannon was wonderful!
Alan King, a comedian I adored, was considered society, and I was considered the Jewish kid from the neighborhood.
When you're 18, you're just so busy being scared and having fun - a crazy mixture - that you never thought of dying.
It's just to break things up between stand-up gigs. I would only do it periodically. Maybe just an East Coast thing.
I have no idea what I'm going to say when I stand up to give a toast. But I do know that anything I say I find funny.
When you do comedy, you can't please the world, although I'd like to think that most of my audiences were on my side.
To me, the stand up part in my life is great. I know I can do that. When I get an acting chance, I'm really thrilled.
My father wasn't much for show business. He was an insurance man - very well-liked, very warm. He had a lot of friends.
I would describe myself as a guy that's very normal but has the tendency to rib people, but never in a mean-spirited way.
I was sitting in the toilet and I was by myself. I was tired of playing with the roller, so I said I'd better write a book.
To my knowledge, I was the first guy really to do what I do. And then later on different comedians started trying doing it.
So, I'm on the satellite every Sunday, no matter where we are, with the Rams. Turn on the satellite; got to watch the Rams.
The transformation has been unbelievable. When I started here, I worked in a place where the Sky Room was on the second floor.
The average person pushes an elevator button 6 or 7 minutes before realizing it's not working. I did a study on this, you know.
I was with George Washington at Valley Forge, sitting around before an attack... gimme a break. That's over 70 years ago already.
An insult comic is the title I was given. What I do is exaggeration. I make fun of people, at life, of myself and my surroundings.
Girls were scared of me because I can be loud. Barbara, my wife of 51 years, is very low-key. She was my picture agent's secretary.
To this day, if you gave me $1,000, I really can't stand up - You can tell a joke. You're a good storyteller and a good joke teller.
An 'insult comic' is the title I was given. What I do is exaggeration. I make fun of people, at life, of myself and my surroundings.
Sometimes, I knew generally what I was going to do, but I've never written anything down. Call it a sixth sense: the lines just come.
I shouldn't make fun of the blacks: President Obama is a personal friend of mine. He was over to the house yesterday, but the mop broke.
I've never had guys sit me down and say this is what you've got to do. It's my personality that makes me one of a kind, and I believe that.
Honestly, I didn't realize it - all of a sudden, I was 90. The years skipped by quickly. When it happened, I said, 'Where did the time go?'
Everything I do on stage, I made up in saloons. I started doing it in front of people, and that became my performance. I never had writers.
I couldn't sell air conditioners on a 98-degree day. When I demonstrated them in a showroom, I pushed the wrong button and blew the circuit.
To this day, when I say that I went to the American Academy, people are very impressed. The reputation of the school has always been fantastic.
So many young people think the big sex act is the whole movie, but that's not the case. You need to be able to talk and laugh and cry together.
I enjoy mixed audiences, not one particular group. Short, tall, scientists, Jews, gentiles, whatever, as long as they breathe and like to laugh.
I like to think I'm like the guy who goes to the office Christmas party Friday night, insults some people, but still has his job Monday morning.
I don't have regrets. I've never sat here and thought, 'Gee, if only I'd done 'The Man Who Came to Dinner' on Broadway, I would have been happier.'
Once in a while, when I'm alone, I think about my age. I think, 'How many more years do I have on this earth?' But I can't really conceive of dying.
I used to play golf. I wanted to be a better player, but after a while I realized I'd always stink. And that's when I really started to enjoy the game.
I'm always watching films. The Academy pretty much sends me every film that's ever been done. I enjoy watching them, especially with the people I know.
I used to play golf. I wanted to be a better player, but after a while, I realized I'd always stink. And that's when I really started to enjoy the game.
I've been to Philadelphia a lot of times over the years, playing the old Celebrity Room and most of the other clubs around there that don't exist anymore.
When I walk down the street in New York, I swear to God, the building constructor, the guy pounding cement and what not, will yell, 'Hey, you hockey puck!'
I have a wonderful road manager, and he travels with me. And my valet and friend travels with me. My little entourage is great, and they take good care of me.
I stopped smoking. But my personality I still have. I get up in the morning, and not everybody loves me, so if you want to call that a bad habit, there's that.
I take pride in being very unique in what I do. Nobody else can do what I do and I don't mean to say that egotistically, it's just something in my personality.
Being in the Navy, when I came home, it changed your whole life. You're 18, you go away for two and a half years, you come home - boy, you're a different person.
They always use the word 'insult' with me, but I don't hurt anybody. I wouldn't be sitting here if I did. I make fun of everybody and exaggerate all our insecurities.
I'm not a big one for jokes. I can't tell a joke, believe it or not. If you gave me a thousand bucks and said, "Don, get up at a party and tell a joke," I'm the worst.
The young comedians always ask me, 'What's the secret for staying around?' I tell them, 'There is no secret - just stay around. Longevity is the most important thing.'
In the old days, that was my ad-lib for hecklers in the joints I worked. It stuck with me. I hardly say it now, say, to fans, even though people do send me hockey pucks.